Maybe a little dated but it IS Funny

DOUG MIRABELLI'S DAY

9:00 shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed

9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands farts 5 more times

9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge

9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night

9:15 grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone

9:17 takes a dump

9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower

9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee

9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight"

9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave

9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow

9:57 pulls onto Rt-1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people

10:15 pulls into Fenway park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in

10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' life if there is one scratch on his truck

10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni

10:27 takes a sh*t, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by

10:30 gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo

10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him

10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield

10:45 takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.

10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game"

10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling

10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: 375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S

11:17 writes back response to fan's Letter "Hey P*ssy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p*ssies like your boyfriend Nomar"

11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on

11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure

11:47 takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8

11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike

11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker

12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives

12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker

12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs behind Schilling

12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight"

12:45 Takes a sh*t, uses Nomar's 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his a**

1:05 game starts , Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling

1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.

1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will be back at Trenton (minor league) by 7 tonight

1:55 Dougies 4 fenway frank arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card

2:15 finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone

2:30 dozes off

3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield

3:33 announces himself ready to pinch hit

4:30 sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away

5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p*ssies

5:30 Dougie takes Batting Practice again, refuses to bunt

5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches

6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Fancona a p*ssy for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling

6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup

6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight

6:30 dinner arrives, 2 steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat

6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic wedgie

7:00 tells Wakefield the show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt

7:10 scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching

7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep

7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep

7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out

7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it

8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie

8:16 fans boo Dougie

8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout

8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, he did not want to run the bases anymore

9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p*ssies

9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p*ssy and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home

9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him

9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee

10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse

10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him

10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1

10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3

12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool

12:10 leaves tighty whitey's on his neighbor’s windshield

12:15 walks into house naked and screams "who saw my bomb I hit tonight???"

12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood

12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn

12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie

1:15 Dougie passes out on couch