One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be.

The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

:laughs:

A carload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?

The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car.

Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!"

A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, "I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!"

A snowmobiler is cruising along the frozen lake and notices a guy on the shore casting and retreiving across the ice.
He pulls over to him and asks "What are you doing".

"Ice fishing the man replies"

To which the snowmobiler says,
"You'll never catch anything like that, Hop on back and we'll troll awhile"

Subject: Something to think about.....LOL
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

This is funny and sad at the same time...
......
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?




It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

To which the snowmobiler says,

yahoo! I guess I dont have to but a boat after all!!!!!!!;) ;)

John...whew! I sure am glad you elaborated on which "company" that was...I was starting to get scared !!! LOL :eek:

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today,this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic !

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Originally posted by John R

Michael Jackson has always been white.



LMAO!!!!!!

Subj: MODERN MEDICINE
>
>
> "The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered:

> "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"...

AND.......

Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the Market...
>
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
>
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
> melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
>
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
>
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling
>
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
>
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
>
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
>
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
> potency and duration of spending spree.
>
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
>
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
>
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
>
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
>
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
>
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Two men are driving home from a long night of fishing ;) when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" the cop answers, "You're in New England son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." the driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." he passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" the cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that a$$hole would've tried that $hit with me!"

(Hope that language was ok for here! Didn't mean to offend anyone or break any rules!)

After eating an entire bull elk, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He roared and he roared, until a deer hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story - When your full of bull, keep your mouth shut!