Mike P
10-12-2013, 09:17 PM
Spent about an hour and a half with my accountant today, and he had the following joke (somewhat embellished by me):
Three friends, Joe, Dave, and Donnie, decide to meet at a bar after work to have a couple. Leaving the bar, crossing the street to the parking lot, a drunk driver comes out of nowhere, smashes into them, and all 3 die instantly. They arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time, and the gates swing open. Walk a bit inside, and there's St. Peter, sitting behind a desk.
"Welcome to heaven. The fact that the gates were open means you made it. But heaven is a big place, and to make it easier for you to get around, we provide you with transportation, yours to use for all eternity. It will run forever and never break down or need anything. The Big Guy puts a lot of stock on loyalty and honesty, so what size you get, and what accessories it has, depends on the answer to a simple question. But, you know that the Boss knows all about anything you did all your life, and I have a copy of your files here on my desk. So if you lie, that automatically means you get something less."
"Joe, you're first. Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
"Absolutely not, St. Peter. My wife and I were high school sweethearts, we were married for over 40 years, and she was the best wife a man could ever want. She satisfied my every need, and not only have I never cheated on her, I never thought about it, and in fact I rarely looked at another woman. I can't imagine how torn up she is now, with me not even having the chance to say good-bye."
"Thank you Joe. We know that. You were a loyal, honest and faithful husband. I'll have one of the angels bring a fully loaded Cadillac around to your home up here right away."
"Oh, my, a Cadillac, St. Peter? Are you sure I deserve that? I thought I was a good enough man, but I was no Mother Teresa."
"Mother Teresa has a Bentley, Joe." Then, he smiled, and with a twinkle in his eye and a little wink, he says, "Trust me, Joe, you deserve a Cadillac at the very least."
When Dave is up, he has to say, knowing the consequences of lying, "Well, I never actually cheated, but you know, over the years, I worked with a lot of good looking women, and I knew a lot of them were interested, and there was this one time when one of them got a little hot and heavy with kissing, and running her hands over me, but I stopped it and said it wouldn't be right. But man, I have to admit that a lot of times, I'd sit and my desk and day dream about being in the sack with them."
"OK Dave, it's good that you stopped, and good that you told me the truth, but there has to be a price for sinning in thought. But I think we can get you into a nice midsize. I'll have an angel get you a Toyota Camry."
Donnie knows he's screwed. "OK, St. Peter, you know all about it, so there's no sense lying. Yes, there was this one time at the office Christmas party, when we both had too much to drink, and me and my secretary---good lord she was only 20, but, well, you know what she looked like--wound up in my office, and we locked the door and went at it like dogs in heat right on my desk."
"Donnie, I understand. You know that I was just a poor fisherman, and I did a lot of stupid things on earth. But we have our guidelines, and I just work for the lord and master of the universe. You'll have to settle for a compact. Still beats walking. You'll get a Ford Focus."
The men go their separate ways, and spend a few months renewing old acquaintances with lost friends and loved ones. Then, Joe runs into Dave, and after saying hello, Dave notices that Joe looks a little sad, and wondering how anyone could be sad in heaven, he has to ask, "Joe, we're in paradise, and you look like you just lost your best friend. What's wrong?"
"Well, Dave, I guess my wife died yesterday, and I ran into her up here this morning."
"Joe, that's fantastic. I mean, I'm sorry to hear that she died, but I heard what you said to St. Peter. You must be thrilled to have the one true love of your life to share eternity with."
"Dave, you don't understand. When I met her, she was wearing roller skates."
Three friends, Joe, Dave, and Donnie, decide to meet at a bar after work to have a couple. Leaving the bar, crossing the street to the parking lot, a drunk driver comes out of nowhere, smashes into them, and all 3 die instantly. They arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time, and the gates swing open. Walk a bit inside, and there's St. Peter, sitting behind a desk.
"Welcome to heaven. The fact that the gates were open means you made it. But heaven is a big place, and to make it easier for you to get around, we provide you with transportation, yours to use for all eternity. It will run forever and never break down or need anything. The Big Guy puts a lot of stock on loyalty and honesty, so what size you get, and what accessories it has, depends on the answer to a simple question. But, you know that the Boss knows all about anything you did all your life, and I have a copy of your files here on my desk. So if you lie, that automatically means you get something less."
"Joe, you're first. Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
"Absolutely not, St. Peter. My wife and I were high school sweethearts, we were married for over 40 years, and she was the best wife a man could ever want. She satisfied my every need, and not only have I never cheated on her, I never thought about it, and in fact I rarely looked at another woman. I can't imagine how torn up she is now, with me not even having the chance to say good-bye."
"Thank you Joe. We know that. You were a loyal, honest and faithful husband. I'll have one of the angels bring a fully loaded Cadillac around to your home up here right away."
"Oh, my, a Cadillac, St. Peter? Are you sure I deserve that? I thought I was a good enough man, but I was no Mother Teresa."
"Mother Teresa has a Bentley, Joe." Then, he smiled, and with a twinkle in his eye and a little wink, he says, "Trust me, Joe, you deserve a Cadillac at the very least."
When Dave is up, he has to say, knowing the consequences of lying, "Well, I never actually cheated, but you know, over the years, I worked with a lot of good looking women, and I knew a lot of them were interested, and there was this one time when one of them got a little hot and heavy with kissing, and running her hands over me, but I stopped it and said it wouldn't be right. But man, I have to admit that a lot of times, I'd sit and my desk and day dream about being in the sack with them."
"OK Dave, it's good that you stopped, and good that you told me the truth, but there has to be a price for sinning in thought. But I think we can get you into a nice midsize. I'll have an angel get you a Toyota Camry."
Donnie knows he's screwed. "OK, St. Peter, you know all about it, so there's no sense lying. Yes, there was this one time at the office Christmas party, when we both had too much to drink, and me and my secretary---good lord she was only 20, but, well, you know what she looked like--wound up in my office, and we locked the door and went at it like dogs in heat right on my desk."
"Donnie, I understand. You know that I was just a poor fisherman, and I did a lot of stupid things on earth. But we have our guidelines, and I just work for the lord and master of the universe. You'll have to settle for a compact. Still beats walking. You'll get a Ford Focus."
The men go their separate ways, and spend a few months renewing old acquaintances with lost friends and loved ones. Then, Joe runs into Dave, and after saying hello, Dave notices that Joe looks a little sad, and wondering how anyone could be sad in heaven, he has to ask, "Joe, we're in paradise, and you look like you just lost your best friend. What's wrong?"
"Well, Dave, I guess my wife died yesterday, and I ran into her up here this morning."
"Joe, that's fantastic. I mean, I'm sorry to hear that she died, but I heard what you said to St. Peter. You must be thrilled to have the one true love of your life to share eternity with."
"Dave, you don't understand. When I met her, she was wearing roller skates."