RESULTS IN..
 

results in from the french armed forces all male nude leap frog competition:

air force- 100
army- 98
navy- 3

old benny hill spoof.

Plummer's truck.

Funny or NOT ???


http://terrisfp.com/flash3/mole.swf

DEFINITION OF BARBECUING

It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ" the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.

6) The woman goes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Turned 52 the other day. My sister says that
i am now playing with a full deck.
i was told that i talk about fishing at nite
while i slept. Solved that problem . Now i
fish at nite.
3o yrs ago i had a girl friend who said i was
afraid of commitment. She was wrong
i am still fishing.

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!

Dogs are from Venus/ Cats are from Mars
 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

good one !!!!!!!!!!!:laugha: later link sr:cool:

High Tide, thats gotta be one of the funniest i've ever heard.:laughs:
The sad thing is i've been there, done that, and still do it.:huh:

FISHHEAD: THAT WAS GREAT!! I CAN'T STOP THE TEARS FROM ROLLIN! ROCK ON MAN!:kewl:

One for the IT guys
 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,
will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked -- and you don't know
a hoot about my business ... now, give me back my dog!"

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

caught a 30 pound striper last week and he was flopping around on the deck like a b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g bronco. I asked him what are you doing trying to get away. He said hell no I am trying to get inot the fish box, I would never live it down if my friends found out I got caught by you. I tell ya I get no respect...

I caught a striper last week on a home made popper. The thing was half way in his stomach. I said hey pretty good lure huh and he said no I was trying to swallow it whole so nobody couold see that I actually bite on this broom stick. I get no respect..





Rodney you were the king.

couldn't resist
 

Subject: New Voting Regulations:



Due to the intense nature of the federal election this November,
>the Federal Election Commission has released new guidelines
>for voting. To enhance your voting experience, and to allow everyone
>the opportunity to vote without having to stand in line for hours on
>end, pleas note:
>
>If you are voting for George W. %$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Tuesday, November 2nd.
>If you are voting for John F. %$%$%$%$%$%$ please vote on Wednesday, November 3rd.
>
>
>F.E.C.
>
>This message has been authenticated by Dan Rather and his unbiased , CBS investigative journalists.

.....How to Clean The Toilet:







1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

2 Blondes...........
One blonde asks another, "Which is further, London or
the Moon?"
The other blonde replies, "HELLOOO, can you see London
from here?
:smash:

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a

beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the

ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes

probably wouldn't have fit."

****************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass

is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it

needs to be.





*****************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil

Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build

targets.

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough

features yet."

***************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it

was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect

said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for

an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his

mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go

to the lab and get some work done."

**************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to

him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog

spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer

took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
:smash:

YANKEE'S SUX
 

Three baseball fans were on their way from a game when they noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They looked and
discovered a nude woman, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over
her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and
placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some
more notes.

The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and
replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert
or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an #^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&."

GO SOX!!!

:rotfl:

good one VB :happy:

SILENT DEBATE
 

Subject: The Silent Debate



Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent
them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi
Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi
Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded
by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God
common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me
beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days
to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the
whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

careful how you ask?
 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.



"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."



The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.



The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.



The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."



"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my as*hole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

George W. Bush visits a third grade class and politely asks the students if they have any questions. Little Billy raises his hand and Mr. Bush nods... Billy stands up and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have three questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... and third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?" Just as Billy finished asking his question, the bell for recess rang and President Bush suggested, "we'll pick this up when we get back." Once everyone is again seated in the classroom, President Bush asks "well, does anybody else have any questions?" This time, little Mary raises her hand and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have five questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden... fourth, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early... and fifth what the hell happened to Billy?" :smash:

this couple was on there 25'th anniversary.
the guy took his wife to the very same hotel they stayed at on there honeymoon 25 years ago.
she's dressed in the very same red slinky outfit she wore 25 years ago on this date.

she says: "you notice anything?"
he says: "yah, you're wearing the same dress from our honeymoon"
she says: "and what were you thinking then?"
he says: "i was thinking i should f*** your brains out and suck your t*** flat"

she says: "and what are you thinking now"

he says: "i'm thinking i did a pretty good job!" :D

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake. "Oooooooh, Henry, you old codger, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So, he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Sh#@t!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

:laughs: :bl: :bl2: :hee: :hihi: :laugha: :jester: Good one Van....I like that one!;)

:D

:D

that is hysterical

Wedding Cake Topper

How Appropriate !!!!!!!

Even has fingernail marks

Red Sox v. Yankees
 

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast_ for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when_ there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

_

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed
Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

_

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

_

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

_

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

_

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know #^&#^&#^&#^& about shark fishing....How's the bait holding up?"

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...]

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

:)

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Windsor man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.


Police suspect a cereal killer.

After drinking all evening with his friends, a man left the bar
with a couple of bottles of whiskey stuck in his back pocket to enjoy
another time.

A he staggered home, shoes in left hand to avoid waking his
wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

The whiskey bottles in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to
find a large full box of Band-Aids. He proceeded to place a patch,
as best he could, on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now empty box of Band-Aids, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with
searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from
across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, honey, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly...

"It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

Happy Thanksgiving
 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift._ The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary._ Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary._ Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot._ The parrot yelled back._ John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder._
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed._ Then suddenly there was total silence._ Not a peep was heard for over a minute._ Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions._ I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude._ As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

60% of women in this country are beaten and I'm still eating mine plain :huh:

eben its battered! :smash: