Blonde joke
 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!

Subject: FW: You know your living in 2004 when.............


You know your living in 2004 when.............

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.



4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.



6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.



7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
get an outside line.



8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.



10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.



11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.



12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.



13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.



14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".



15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more,
except to send you jokes from the net.



16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.



17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

Italian Friends
AM





To all my Italian friends and family, and a few who are not - enjoy!
...and if you're from Brooklyn, New Jursey, or Long Eyeland, you'll really
appreciate this!


Eye-Talian


Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit
two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant,
travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best! .

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."



And you understand "bada bing"

For St. Patricks Day
 

"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

:laugha: Good one!:laugha:

Re: For St. Patricks Day
 

that joke was wicked pissah....lol...sweetness....guinness..hmmm

Why does Piglet smell??


'cause he plays with Pooh! :bl2:

Since Eben got the wrong thread I'll do it for him.

A lady walks into a tackleshop and picks out a rod/reel combo for her husbands birthday.. the shop's owner is blind and asks the lady to drop the setup on the floor so he can listen to the way it sounds... the lady, looking confused, asks why and the owner says he can tell the make and model by the sound. So she carefully drops the combo on the ground and the tackleowner says " ahh a 9 ft ron arra surfpro and a Van stall 200, good choice! That will be seven hundred dollars please" She is surprised by this technique but says o.k and bends over to pick up her purse and lets a huge fart rip... Then the tackleshop owner says "that will be seven hundred twenty dollars please." the lady says "whats the exra 20 dollars for?" and the owner says "for the duck call and stink bait"

40 Things You'll Never Hear Southerners Say
 

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Comeon guys, no one have any new ones?

What do you call deer with no eyes??

I have no eye deer

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

What do you call that same deer when it has no legs?

Still no eye deer?

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them, then jumped onto the pool table, grabbed one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole!!!

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?!"

The guy said "No, what?"

"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table --- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later he was in the bar again, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar again. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! The monkey then found a peanut, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it as well! The bartender was disgusted.

"Did you see what your damn monkey did now? the bartender asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER moved through her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT brittle. "That's GOOD N' PLENTY," MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" Soon she was more than a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had BABY RUTH.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."

Subject: Fwd: Massachusetts




You know you are from Massachusetts if:

Khakis are something you start the car with

You think crosswalks are for wimps

You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something or they are
from out of town and probably lost

You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds

You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at
McDonald's actually speak English

You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the
car in front of you

You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get
through.....and that a red light means 2 more can

A Crown Victoria = Undercover Cop

The transportation system is known as the "T"

Subway is a fast food place

You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house.

There are 24 Dunkin Donuts Shops within 15 minutes of your house.

When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino," you know exactly what
they are talking about, and you believe in it, too

You think of Rhode Island as the "deep South"

Anything past Worcester is "the middle of nowhere"

You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy

If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 or more
different names

Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light
turned green

You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light
turned green

All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience

Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it

Six inches of snow is considered a "dusting"

Three days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave".....and 63 degree
weather is "on the warm side"

$15 to park is a bargain

You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston
accent" on TV or in a movie. If you don't have it, you're never going to
get it right....even if you were born here

At the ice cream shop, you call chocolate sprinkles "Jimmies"

You can go from one side of your hometown to the other in less than 15
minutes and see at least 15 losers you graduated with doing the same exact
same thing they were doing the last time you saw them

chain letter
 

Great Opportunity - Pyramid scheme!!! Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your mates.....


INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't
forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at
the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss
Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And,
best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of
his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the
accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the
international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his
old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he
had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above
me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering
from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.


No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
(that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No
obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises
like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they
can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon
undertake.

Deep in the back woods of Arkansas, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

SENIOR PERSONAL ADDS

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't

Hangover
 

Hangover
Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the
kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless

DOH!!!
 

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires,
"Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his
ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of
handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips
him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell
happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he
was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy,
walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,
"This just isn't gonna be your day, is it 'Sunshine' ."

IRS audit
 

The Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The
auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the
IRS." "IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS"...and about once a year, they send
us a little prick like you."

A woman went into the pet store to look at the birds for sale. There was a sign on one cage that said Parrot, reduced to $50.00. "Why so little", she asked the pet store owner?

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff!"

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were taken back, but then began to laugh about the comment considering where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Ralph, came home from work.

. . .


The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Ralph"

A WEEK AT THE GYM
 

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other #^&#^&#^&#^& too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**! Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

This may be pushing it but...

This penguin is having car trouble so he brings his car into the garage. Mechanic tells him to leave it for a while and he'll check it out. So the penguin walks across the street to get some ice cream and kill some time. He goes in and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream but because he only has flippers and no hands he can't use a spoon. He proceeds to dive into the ice cream face first, getting ice cream all over his face in the process. He finishes the ice cream and walks back across the street to the garage to check on his car. He walks in, the mechanic takes one look at him and says "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin looks at him and says , "no, no. I just had a vanilla ice cream across the street".

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"