:rotfl:

good one VB :happy:

SILENT DEBATE
 

Subject: The Silent Debate



Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent
them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke
no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi
Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi
Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded
by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God
common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me
beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days
to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the
whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

careful how you ask?
 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.



"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."



The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.



The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.



The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."



"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my as*hole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

George W. Bush visits a third grade class and politely asks the students if they have any questions. Little Billy raises his hand and Mr. Bush nods... Billy stands up and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have three questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... and third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?" Just as Billy finished asking his question, the bell for recess rang and President Bush suggested, "we'll pick this up when we get back." Once everyone is again seated in the classroom, President Bush asks "well, does anybody else have any questions?" This time, little Mary raises her hand and says, "President %$%$%$%$%$ thanks... I have five questions: first, why did we go into Iraq without U.N. sanctions... second, why were so many black people in Florida not allowed to vote in the last election... third, whatever happened to Osama bin Laden... fourth, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early... and fifth what the hell happened to Billy?" :smash:

this couple was on there 25'th anniversary.
the guy took his wife to the very same hotel they stayed at on there honeymoon 25 years ago.
she's dressed in the very same red slinky outfit she wore 25 years ago on this date.

she says: "you notice anything?"
he says: "yah, you're wearing the same dress from our honeymoon"
she says: "and what were you thinking then?"
he says: "i was thinking i should f*** your brains out and suck your t*** flat"

she says: "and what are you thinking now"

he says: "i'm thinking i did a pretty good job!" :D

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake. "Oooooooh, Henry, you old codger, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So, he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are b#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Sh#@t!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

:laughs: :bl: :bl2: :hee: :hihi: :laugha: :jester: Good one Van....I like that one!;)

:D

:D

that is hysterical

Wedding Cake Topper

How Appropriate !!!!!!!

Even has fingernail marks

Red Sox v. Yankees
 

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast_ for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when_ there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

_

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed
Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

_

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

_

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

_

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

_

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know #^&#^&#^&#^& about shark fishing....How's the bait holding up?"

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...]

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

:)

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Windsor man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.


Police suspect a cereal killer.

After drinking all evening with his friends, a man left the bar
with a couple of bottles of whiskey stuck in his back pocket to enjoy
another time.

A he staggered home, shoes in left hand to avoid waking his
wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump.

The whiskey bottles in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to
find a large full box of Band-Aids. He proceeded to place a patch,
as best he could, on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now empty box of Band-Aids, he managed to shuffle
and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with
searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from
across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, honey, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly...

"It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

Happy Thanksgiving
 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift._ The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary._ Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary._ Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot._ The parrot yelled back._ John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder._
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed._ Then suddenly there was total silence._ Not a peep was heard for over a minute._ Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions._ I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude._ As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

60% of women in this country are beaten and I'm still eating mine plain :huh:

eben its battered! :smash:

I think Eben's ready for bed :hs:

-spence

The Cardiologist's Funeral
 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted

oh chit :smash: I saw a bumperstiker that said that phrase on it and I almost drove off the road :laughs:

saw this one on the other place:)





Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

"Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.:smash:

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

:rotfl:

thats a classic!

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought...

:D

Very...nice!

-spence

:laughs: :laughs: :wall: :eek5: :conf: :rotf3: :rotf2: :rotfl: :rotf2:

Redneck measuring tape.

:laughs: