What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
















Well hung.:rotflmao:

popular.

What's the difference between a lesbian and a whale???












20 lbs and a flannel shirt.

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

Weeks later, in court, the tr#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel: "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.
I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?:liquify:

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' She said, 'Wear sun-block.'"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. And while
they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed “Yes” for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed more enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers”.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs on how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. The chiefs explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that is so full of %$%$%$%$ it can no longer fly!!!

(It made me smile. BW)

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk soon turns to their adventures. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg" he asks.
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, " the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off me leg."
"Wow" replied the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Argh, an enemy cut it off with a cutlass during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A Seagull %$%$%$%$ in my eye"!
"You lost your eye to bird %$%$%$%$?", replied the sailor.
"Yar, it was me first day with the hook!"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca...We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You Gay ?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

Blonde boating
 

Military Sayings
 

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

Christian Pick-up Lines
 

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

Reality
 

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

Girls Who Are Thinkers
 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

anniversary gift
 

> Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
> him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
> The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of
> hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
> gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
Claudia
> put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She
> opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Chuck is not yet well enough
> to have visitors.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length o f the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Never Ask a Gunny!!!

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no F%&%&%&% ears."

What would You do?
 

QUESTION:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.







ANSWER





This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is injured
and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys
to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the box."


HOWEVER,

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says,” I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says,"No, I am from Africa!!

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and asks, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. "

she asks "What the hell is a piñata?!"

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,
and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
...............

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

L ifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
> graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
> Red......................Cherry
> Yellow..............Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange...............Orange
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
> eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
> "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother
> may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror,
> spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king Widow."

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
>After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
>She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
>spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
>been trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
>true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
>pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
>She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
>frog reading cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

I recieved the following email

Subject: July, 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed that an unidentified object with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch
just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a
well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months after that
historic day, George W. Bush, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney, Donald
Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh,
Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quyale were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Skydiver
 

A guy goes sky diving for the first time, learns everything there is to know and takes his first jump.
He bails out of the plane, waits a few moments and pulls his chute cord and it doesn't open!!!
He gets panicky and feverishly keeps pulling the cord.
As he is hurtling towards the ground he suddenly remembers his spare chute, pulls the cord and it doesn't open either!!!
He keeps pulling to no avail, looks down, and to his amazement sees a man flying up!

As they pass he yells to the guy," Do you know anything about skydiving???"

The guy yells back, "Nooo, do you know anything about gas stoves???"

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

It has been awhile - time to resurrect?

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye." :rotflmao::yak6:

LOL, thanks Don, i needed that. :D

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother
is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for
President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

can you tell i have many sick email friends
 

There will be no nativity scene in the United States Congress, this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer.

A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on.

Someone broke a hole in the nudist colonys fence. Police are looking into it.

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.



The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, Considers what he should do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me……."

So the Pope slapped her upside the head.

Walnuts in the cemetery-
 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old walnut tree inside the cemetery fence.

One day two boys, filled up a bucket of nuts and sat by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you" one for me".One for you one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding by on his bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, One for me, One for you One for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped on his bike and rode off.

Just around the corner he met an old man with a cane.
"Come here quick," said the boy, you won't believe what i heard!

"Satan and the Lord are down in the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "beat it kid can't you see i can hardly walk!"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,"one for you One for me. One for you one for me...."

The old man whispered, "Boy you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard,"One for you One for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to Town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of
this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep %$%$%$%$.

To all my friends
 

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did NOTHING AT all. For 2008, could you please send either money, plugs or honey hole locations:btu:.
(copied and changed to fit this board)

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The State of New Mexico
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent

"That would be me," replied the rancher.