A blonde woman was driving down the road when she saw another blonde in the middle of a corn field in a row boat rowing for all she was worth,so she slammed on the breaks and got out of her car. She yelled to the blonde in the boat saying" its stupid blondes like you who give the rest of us a bad name!!!!!!!! and if i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ass".........................:)

Blondes
 

How are blondes and turtles alike.........

If they get flipped over on their backs they're scr
ewed.........


(2) A blonde goes into a department store, walks up to a clerk and asks to see about the colored t.v. on the display case. The clerk looks at her and syas " lady we don't serve blondes here." Enraged the woman goes home, dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store. She goes to the same clerk and demands to see the colored t.v. . The clerk looks at her and says"Lady I told you before we don't serve blondes here."

Now the woman is really ticked off and says to the clerk,"Look at me I'm not Blonde!", the clerk assures her that she is blonde and only dyed hewr hair. The blonde says,"How did you know I was a blonde?" The clerk responds,"well, first off that's a microwave oven..........

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks. The first blonde says "wow look at the deer tracks."
the second blonde says "those arent deer tracks there moose tracks"..........they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why dont blondes make cool aid? ..............they cant fit 2 and a half quarts of water in that little packet.
:smash: :smash: :smash:

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Central
Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving
a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have
a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These
are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the
lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment,
and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT
to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by
and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the guy and said,"Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game
warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked....

another blonde joke
 

A blonde approaches a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank, So she yells to her "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
To which the second blonde replies, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"
:smash:

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and
the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here
is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?":laughs: :cool:

Just when you thought you knew everything...

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* The three most valuable brand names! on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

* Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

And, the best for last.....

* Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, " What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, ''Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to
work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, " No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Lesson nine:

An engineer was fishing on the beach. A guy came by in a hot air balloon, obviously having trouble. The fishing engineer shouted up to him "What's the problem?"

The guy shouts back "My compass is broken...I'm lost....do you have any idea where I am?"

The engineer shouts back, "Yes you are at 53 degrees north lattitude and 78 degrees west longitude!"

The man shouts back "You must be an engineer!"

"Why is that?", the fisherman asks.

"Because I ask you a question to help me out, and you give me an answer that doesn't help me at all! If it wasn't for guys like you, I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place."

The fisherman yelled back "And you must be a manager.....you get yourself in trouble, come to me to bail you out, and when I do, you then blame me for your problem!"

Three Blondes Fishing
 

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with
the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish,
you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied
the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law
against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with
that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!":D

here's another
 

> A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
> rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it..
> Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
> said, "Well that's great, just great.....some arsewhol's got my pen."
>
:eek: :eek:

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What do the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What did the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

My 4 yr olds only joke.......
 

Where do cows go on dates?.................To the mooooooovies. Alright, alright its funny when he says it. Then he's got this whole schpeel of Knock-Knock jokes that make absolutely no sense, but make him pi$$ his pants every time he tells them. Man I wish I was 4 again..........

These two fishermen were standing on a bridge bottom fishing for stripers, when one of them gets a solid take. The fisherman sets the hook and imediately he knows its a big fish. As the man is fighting this large bass he notices a funeral procession coming tword the bridge. As the cars get closer he reaches for his knife, cuts the line, puts down his pole, and places his hand on his heart. The other fisherman is amazed and says ''thats the most beautiful and touching thing I have ever witnessed". The first fisherman replies "well, I was married to her for 35 years".

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:


1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.

2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.

8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

12.) Crying is blackmail.

13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just SAY it!

14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.

22.) Check your oil.

23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.

31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing"; we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping out!

Subject: New viruses



Beware of:

THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus ... (Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus ... (Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus ... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus ... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE LEWINSKY virus ... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus ... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus ... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus ... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus ... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus ... (Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus ... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus ... (Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus ... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

and last, but not least ...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus ... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the
proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.

"Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow
like me to sell alcohol to a nun?" was the reply.

The woman leaned over the counter and whispered
conspiratorially, "It's really for the Mother Superior's
constipation."

The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to
her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition
that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.

An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside,
only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench, roaring
drunk.

"Sister," he said angrily, "you know I only sold you that
whiskey because it was to ease Mother Superior's constipation."

"It ish," slurred the nun. "When she sees me, she'll
sh*t."

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle
of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened
to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately
starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With
all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have
you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

hahaha... great joke...



>THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
>
>
>
> >From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport,
>
>comes a True story from TEXAS.
>
>
>
>Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
>
>Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
>
>Intoxicated that he could barely walk.
>
>
>
>The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer
quietly observing.
>
>
>
>After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
>
>vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
>
>
>
>He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
>
>
>
>Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
>
>(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off,
>
>tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
>
>
>
>He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
>
>reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patrons left in their vehicles.
>
>
>
>At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
>
>the street.
>
>
>
>The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
>
>now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
>
>promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
>
>
>
>To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all.
>
>
>
>Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
>
>Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
>
>
>"I doubt it," said the man, " Tonight I'm the designated decoy....".
>
>
>

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed the couple was from Alabama.
This doctor told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned
> physicians couldn't be wrong the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .. . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
> and resumed counting on his other hand....
>
> Also works in Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Kentucky.
>

Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble


10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......Hiding something
Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine...............Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

LOL.. the visual on that one is great.....


Man walks into a bar and orders two shots, drinks one and pours
the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is
odd but says nothing. The man orders two more shots, drinks one and pours the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is really strange but says nothing. The man orders a third round. Before he can go through his ritual the bartender says "Hey Buddy, you can do what you want with the booze if you pay for it but you gotta tell me why you keep doing that.". And the man says "It's obvious, I'm trying to get my date drunk.".

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation
took place:
>FIRST GUY: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."
SECOND GUY: "That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I
will build her a new deck for the pool."
THIRD GUY: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
FOURTH GUY: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater!" :laughs:

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom,

"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom,

"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
> > They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,

> > "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."

Rules of Man
 

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay."

21. "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

22. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

I got a good joke for ya. Took my wife and kids out on the boat for the first time yesterday, so it was chaos to begin with. Left the dock at 2:00pm and proceeded to have a great afternoon. Returned to the dock at 7:00pm. Brought some stuff from the boat to the car and my car was running. Either this marina had a valet that starts your car when you return or I left the car running for 5 hours(unlocked). Only in Charlestown can you get away that and not have your car "borrowed". I continue to amaze myself with the stupid stuff I do. :smash:

WOW, R U LUCKY !!:D
But you do deserve a ......:smash:

Nice Job Scotch! :smash: (done worse though)

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and NY Yankee fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death! With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping."

The Cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by
himself),and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back." But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate - given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes'"

"Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied." In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave," said the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? what is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Yankee fan to my back."

:laughs:

A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him:
"Here friend, take a drink outa my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his
shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gad!
That's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me
while I take a swig."

Texas Dreamer
 

The Boots

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Nobody has ever paid me for my services before. I'm flattered. "

"The woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."

Very good stuff :D

A pregnant woman from Brooklyn gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma,
asleep for nearly six months.

When she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A
boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Bronx came in and
named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!".................

(Are you ready? This is a beauty) ...

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL"


:laughs: :laughs: ;)

THE TEACHER COMEBACK OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A blind man, enters a bar, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a guy from Cape Cod walk into a bar. The Texan grabs a
bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle
into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying
Tequila all over everything.

The other patrons at the bar shout "Hey why'd you waste that?!" The Texan
says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle
of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and sips it, then
throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol.

The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste
of a bottle of wine. The New Yorker says, "New York State wine country, we got lots of great
wine there."

The the guy from Cape Cod borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of Harpoon and
downs the whole bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, shoots the
New Yorker and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are
screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!"

The guy from Cape Cod replies, "Well where I come from, we've got lots of
New Yorkers, but I'll be fined unless I recycle this bottle."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, "My elbow hurts
like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "there's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes 10
seconds and costs $10."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the store. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in about 2 weeks.

That night while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results. The computer ejects a
printout:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work
 

Lets bump up the class of jokes up a notch or two, I don't need my 13 yr old brother asking me too much here when he reads this :D

*********

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?