< Life as a Pilot >


Her Diary:


Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.


Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.


On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.


Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.


He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


=====================


His Diary:


Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'


The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off
in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'


The devil looks
at him, smiles and says.......


'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
whenyou pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus.

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
couldonly be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.


this is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he
once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The
candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up

with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes,
we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out
of her misery, have fun with the perfect partner against the bus stop,
then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW
to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry, I just backed into your Beemer.

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.

But I'm not."

:laughs:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ...

You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





================================================== ==========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty




================================================== ==========================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees


DATE: & nbsp; October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!





================================================== ==========================


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October ; 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring
at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check'. I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


All Seniors Aren't Senile

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; Those guys always
understand if you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are
interchangeable."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.


The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?"

She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ..... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to share his thoughts, intimate moments with?


(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?






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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?






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The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is! (No offence meant)
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA:shocked:

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my fishing poles so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my poles, that I noticed a hairline crack in my favorite rod where the handle meets the graphite butt section. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop where I bought it?

Blondes again
 

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

My Favorite Christmas Cookie Recipe:



Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me, " he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night, " said the officer.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker, and tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what was that?"

Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, "It was only a bug." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big #^&#^&#^&#^&, didn't it !

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,

decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby

well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any

odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How

much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she

would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she

realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all

those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it

two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it

to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

The Italian says 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling

That Rocks...:rotflmao:

A woman walks into a pharmacy on a hot summer day. She raises champion showdogs and one has developed an ingrown hair in it's ear days before a big show. The vet tells her to get a hair remover and gently apply it to the area. She asks the pharmacist for hair removal cream and as he is handing it over the counter he says "Might want to wear shorts so long pants don't irritate your legs after applying". She tells him it's not for her legs. "Then you probably want to wear long sleeves to keep your arms out of the hot sun". Nope, she replies, not for my arms. "Well then, what the heck is it for?" asks the pharmacist...
The woman replies "it's for my Schnauzer". He hands it across the counter and advises "don't ride a bicycle for two weeks!"

Speaking of Sarah Palin, this guy is driving in Nome in a snow storm, when his front wheels lock and he skids off the road into a snowbank. Dazed, he walks to the nearest building, a bar, and stumbles in, cut and greasy. "My wheels froze up and I went into a ditch" he announces. Bartender says "jeez, you blow a seal?" Guy says "Nah, thats just a little frost on my mustache!"

Maybe I should post this on the grumpy old farts thread
 

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'



An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of y ears. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want any thing while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream wi th strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stare s at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys ar e out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days late r, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .. . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A tourist gets lost on the backroads of Vermont. He pulls up to a farmhouse to get directions, and on his way up the walk he notices a 500 lb pig in a pen in the back. Not real unusual in the north country, except this porker has a wooden leg. The farmer answers the door and gives directions back to Route 89. As he turns to leave, the tourist says "What's the deal with that pig back there?"
"Oh, Flossie?" the farmer replies, "That's one damn fine pig! You know last fall when I was plowin over the winter wheat, the tractor flipped and pinned me under it while the missus was away. Flossie jumped the pen, got her snout under the tractor and forced it up so I could pull myself out. She went inside and dailed 911 with her snout and the EMTs showed up!" "Then this summer we had an electical fire in the middle of the nigh and smoke woulda got us, but Flossie crashed through the pen, broke down the back door and dragged both of us out to safety!"
"Wow. That is amazing", said the tourist - "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Hell", said the farmer, "A great pig like that - you don't eat em all at one time!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#*k your brains out, and suck your t%ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Lovemaking tips for Seniors
 

ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,

she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile,

I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother,

"all good men have hairy chests.
Go back upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom,

Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants

and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry !
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
G o back upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half !"

Her Mama said, "You stay here and stir the pasta....."

Remember the plane that went down in the hudson?? These geese were seen fleeing the scene..

Blonde with a Emergency


Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.


I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe. They are in trench coats. exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars started slowing down...looking at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.


It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper. "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So, I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers."

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.



Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?



The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

airline class

:jester:

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

Jack’s father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.' So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply. He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.

So on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me..."

Jack replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

As she requested, he tried them. "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each
Other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
'Do you know who I am?'


The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.


'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.


'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone..


'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.


'Nope,' said the old man..


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Joke for today hmmmm
 

:think: :cputin: Global warming ! :hs: :wid::lasso::call: where:af:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Do you hear me? You’re cooking TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my God! WHERE are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! For Pete sake USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

$10 HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
 

A TEN-DOLLAR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. - $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3.. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and the magazine. - $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.'
'Cooter '