One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the #^&#^&#^&#^&ens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

So I call home and my brother picks up the phone. We're making small talk when I ask about the cat. "How's Boots?" "Oh", he replies, "Boots is dead".
"WHAT?", I scream. "Yeah, mom took down the screens to vacuum them and Boots got out on the roof and fell and died"...."How can you be so insensitive?!" I yelled. "Well, what do you want me to say?" he replies. "You could soften it up a little and say something like the window was open and Boots got curious about a squirrel and went out on the roof too far for us to coax her back in. She ended up in the oak tree and I grabbed the ladder but she was a little too high, so we called the fire department and a hook and ladder truck arrived but as they were extending the ladder Boots slipped and fell to the ground. Despite heroic measures they couldn't revive her." "I guess you're right", said my brother, "Next time I'll try to be a little more sensitive". I changed the subject - "So how's Mom?" My brother says "Well, she climbed out on the roof...."

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you're
there, and you have to answer what's wrong in front of others, and sometimes
it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what's wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it:
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'
'There's something wrong with my #^&#^&#^&#^&, 'he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you. 'the old man
said.
The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,' Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear. 'he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it. 'he replied..
The waiting room erupted into laughter.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London
> One took a
> window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
> seat. Just before takeoff,
> a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff,
> the Marine kicked
> his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
> the Arab in the
> window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a
> Coke.'
> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm
> in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
> you.'
>
> As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
> Marine's shoe and spat in
> it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
> said, 'That
> looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
>
> Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he
> was gone, the other
> Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe a nd spat in
> it. When the Marine
> returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..
>
> As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
> his shoes and
> knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and
> asked his Arab
> neighbors...
>
>
>
>
> 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this
> go on? This fighting
> between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
> spitting in shoes and
> pissing in Cokes?'
>
> THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

Redneck word for the day
 

Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"

I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

New Ice Cream


In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road . "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.

The Lone Ranger
was ambushed and captured
by
an enemy Indian War Party.





The Indian
Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU
are the great Lone Ranger" ..





"In
honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU
will be executed in three days."


"Before
I kill you, I grant you three
requests"

"What
is your FIRST request
???'

The Lone Ranger
responds,

"I'd
like to speak to my horse."



The
Chief nods and Silver is brought

before
the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver
returns with

a
beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As
the Indian Chief watches,

the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and
spends the night.


The
next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's
impressed..
"You
have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I
will still kill you
in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request
???"


The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to
his horse.

Silver
is brought to

him,

and
he again whispers in the horse's
ear.

As before,
Silver takes off and disappears

over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise,

Silver again
returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette,
more attractive

than
the blonde.



She
enters the Lone Rangers tent

and
spends the night.


The
following morning the Indian Chief

is
again impressed.

"You
are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But
I will still kill
you tomorrow."



"What
is your LAST request ???"



The
Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to
my horse, ....
alone."

The Chief
is curious, but he
agrees,

and
Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's
tent.




Once they're
alone,

the
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks
him square in the eye and says,



Listen
Very Carefully !!!!

FOR...
THE... LAST... TIME...


I
SAID ...





"BRING POSSE"

Drinking With A West Virginia Hillbilly Girl:





A Mexican, an Arab, and a West Virginia Hillbilly girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The West Virginia Hillbilly girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.




Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In West Virginia we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Amercia!

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened.The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. You can spend it all or spend some and keep the rest.'

It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

After living in the country all his life, an old redneck decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!

Don't forget to mark your calenders .

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America !

A man walks into a bar,
He sits down and places the bag on the counter..
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag..

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool,
Which he places in front of the piano

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one Wish... Just one wish.... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed By another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No sh*t!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9-inch
"Pianist" ??????

Farah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven. As soon as she gets there, God requests a meeting with her. He says "Welcome to heaven, Farah. I've always admired that you brought so much joy to so many people, and because of this, I would like to grant you one wish."





Farah says to God "I want all children to be safe".

true story
 

I was airing up at the Race Point air station a few years ago. I'm leaning over with the pressure hose in-hand and a guy staggers over to me and asks, "Are you airing up or airing down?"

I wanted to say, "I'm airing down..this hose sucks the air out of your tires." What I should have said was, "Here's your sign."

:)

:buds:

Talking Dog
 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?

This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that!

Got from (an Italian) relative:

Italian Loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer He told the loan officer
that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Italian
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Italian produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a
$250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer
said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga, where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, the Italians.... Bada Bing!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Well, what's your name little guy?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men.. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and
then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning, regardless of what time it is.."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister'sexpecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care..'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left
or right, I am amphibious.

Not really a joke but it gives a good laugh. There is a 73 year old father who lives with his son who is in his mid to late 20s and he just writes down quotes his dad says. Since this is a family friendly site I'll give just the few runner ups of my favorites:

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

"It's just a :cens: june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you."

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown toenail. Stop bitching."

Top 20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
 

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"



(sorry if already posted, but some of us do need help with our short term memory)

funny funny funny

http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=0...ab99a14e36ef80

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known. After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

here is a couple of good ones
 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious
way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete #^&#^&#^&#^&."







A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'


The proctologist fainted.

THE PRESIDENTIAL QUALIFICATIONS:
In a Purdue University government class, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section..????"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States .
Now we know why.....
And don't forget, "They walk among us!"

I wonder if she was blonde? If yes then I should have posted this under "blonde joke".

Sorry, this is real story not even a joke but I laughed anyway...:biglaugh:

TRYING TO BE NICE

A guy is coming home from work and thinks about his wife and how the only time
he gives her anything is on her Birthday and Christmas.

He's feeling a little generous and decides he will surprise her with a few
gifts.

He stops and gets her candy, then onto the florist to pick up a dozen roses.

As he pulls in front of his house he sees his baseball cap in the backseat and puts
it on sideways to add a little humor.

He knocks on the front door with the candy in his hand and holding the flowers
on his chest.

His wife answers the door takes one look and bursts out
crying and sobbing.

He says, "whats the matter?"

She says "this has been the worst day of my life, the kids have been horrible,
the cellar flooded, my supper burned, and now you come home drunk. "

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a #^&#^&#^&#^&ing wall."