After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed the couple was from Alabama.
This doctor told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned
> physicians couldn't be wrong the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .. . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
> and resumed counting on his other hand....
>
> Also works in Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Kentucky.
>

Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble


10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......Hiding something
Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine...............Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

LOL.. the visual on that one is great.....


Man walks into a bar and orders two shots, drinks one and pours
the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is
odd but says nothing. The man orders two more shots, drinks one and pours the other one on his right hand. The bartender thinks this is really strange but says nothing. The man orders a third round. Before he can go through his ritual the bartender says "Hey Buddy, you can do what you want with the booze if you pay for it but you gotta tell me why you keep doing that.". And the man says "It's obvious, I'm trying to get my date drunk.".

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation
took place:
>FIRST GUY: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend."
SECOND GUY: "That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I
will build her a new deck for the pool."
THIRD GUY: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
FOURTH GUY: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater!" :laughs:

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom,

"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom,

"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
> >
> > They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,

> > "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."

Rules of Man
 

1. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay."

21. "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

22. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

I got a good joke for ya. Took my wife and kids out on the boat for the first time yesterday, so it was chaos to begin with. Left the dock at 2:00pm and proceeded to have a great afternoon. Returned to the dock at 7:00pm. Brought some stuff from the boat to the car and my car was running. Either this marina had a valet that starts your car when you return or I left the car running for 5 hours(unlocked). Only in Charlestown can you get away that and not have your car "borrowed". I continue to amaze myself with the stupid stuff I do. :smash:

WOW, R U LUCKY !!:D
But you do deserve a ......:smash:

Nice Job Scotch! :smash: (done worse though)

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and NY Yankee fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army. While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death! With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping."

The Cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.

The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by
himself),and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back." But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.

The Red Sox fan was the last up (he had finished off the crate - given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes'"

"Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied." In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave," said the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? what is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Yankee fan to my back."

:laughs:

A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him:
"Here friend, take a drink outa my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his
shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gad!
That's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me
while I take a swig."

Texas Dreamer
 

The Boots

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Nobody has ever paid me for my services before. I'm flattered. "

"The woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."

Very good stuff :D

A pregnant woman from Brooklyn gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma,
asleep for nearly six months.

When she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A
boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Bronx came in and
named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!".................

(Are you ready? This is a beauty) ...

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL"


:laughs: :laughs: ;)

THE TEACHER COMEBACK OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A blind man, enters a bar, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a guy from Cape Cod walk into a bar. The Texan grabs a
bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle
into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying
Tequila all over everything.

The other patrons at the bar shout "Hey why'd you waste that?!" The Texan
says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle
of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and sips it, then
throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol.

The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste
of a bottle of wine. The New Yorker says, "New York State wine country, we got lots of great
wine there."

The the guy from Cape Cod borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of Harpoon and
downs the whole bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, shoots the
New Yorker and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are
screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!"

The guy from Cape Cod replies, "Well where I come from, we've got lots of
New Yorkers, but I'll be fined unless I recycle this bottle."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, "My elbow hurts
like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "there's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes 10
seconds and costs $10."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the store. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in about 2 weeks.

That night while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results. The computer ejects a
printout:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work
 

Lets bump up the class of jokes up a notch or two, I don't need my 13 yr old brother asking me too much here when he reads this :D

*********

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

...WHAT?.... I didn't make that up......I just copied and pasted :smash: :smash:

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here's to achieving 103% !!

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future:

What makes life 100% ??

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

equals

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then;

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

But;

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However;

B U L L #### = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got . . .
-------------------------------
After you've read this you will find it interesting to note that
A S S K I S S E R = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 5 18 = adds up to 120%.

There's always somebody in the group that is giving 120% isn't there?

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell, 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltake sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that..."

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Kenneth Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Bernardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' San Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowmen place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.
"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for
each change as a sales event."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, " Mary, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses."

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

rules
 

this may be posted already???



The Rules.... This time by Men.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

A few years ago, a friend of mine bought a house in Concord, MA. This house
was old, pre-Revolutionary, maybe 250 years old.
Soon after he bought it, he was rummaging around in the cellar, which was
very primitive, and he unearthed an antique bottle with a cork in it. As he
was admiring it, the bottle slipped out of his hands and shattered on the
flagstones! And this huge genie took shape and said, "You have one wish."
(One wish, mind you.)
My friend was understandably nervous. "Well," he said, "I have this longing
to visit a certain place-this isn't my wish yet. I'm first trying to figure
out the rules-and that place is Hawaii. The stickler is that I get terribly
seasick and I can't bear the thought of flying, so I can't just let you
transport me to Hawaii-I'd never be able to get home!
"So this is what I want, if it's possible: Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can just drive over and drive back."
"Allah be praised!" says the genie. "Do you realize what an undertaking that
would be?! Some of the pylons would have to be more than two miles deep! We'd
have to allow for trans-Pacific shipping and be able to withstand mid-ocean
storms, not to mention all the permits! Isn't there anything else I could do
for you?"
"Let me see," says my friend. "Could you give me the wisdom to understand
women?"
The genie sighed. "What do you want? Two-lane or four-lane?"

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to
be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin'
through this Big Book to see if the guy
is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes
through the books several times, furrows
his brow, and says to the guy, "You know,
I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed
that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Yeah, there was this one time when I
was drivin' down the highway and I saw
a giant group of Hell's Angels Biker Gang
types assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down
my car to see what was going on, and sure
enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em
torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get
out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang, a huge guy with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the Hell's Angels Biker Gang
formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face
and smash him over the head with the tire
iron. Then I turn around and yell to the
rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach
you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When
did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep, I reckon" said the second Texan.
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe again with great relief.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said,

"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"