Originally Posted by zimmy (Post 939354)

This is from one of those chain email things that has been going around for years. Whether it was actually sent to Dr. Laura Shropshireslasherer and whether the guy from U of V wrote it isn't clear, but the points are great. It's reference to those who use the bible to justify being anti-gay marriage. I am sure you all will appreciate the spirit of it :love:

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Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Apparently, God has changed His mind, and so the Bible was revised and updated with what some call The New Testament. It is very progressive, and from the frame of mind that your questions suggest, you would probably like this revision--it is SO 21st century, filled with love and caring for the poor and such. And . . . can you imagine . . . a whole nation was founded on various principles and beliefs in the combined version of old and new testaments. It even, eventually, abolished slavery.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

There are other countries that have not heard of, nor subscribe to, this revision and you could probably sell her in those places. The price could be tricky. If you do not follow their version, the price may be your head.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offense.

With most women, you can usually tell when they are in this unclean period, as they are often more cranky than usual and not so attractive as such. I take it you're a bit of a clod that you have not caught on to this state of affairs even though you have asked several (most women). Perhaps they are mostly taking offense to your stupidity?

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my
neighbours.....They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?

Your neighbors are, unlike you, probably being polite. Rather than suggesting that you're rather odd in having an outdoor alter on your property and burning animals on it, they merely mention the odor. Of course, if they knew you were contemplating smiting them, they might actually tell you how crazy you are and would endeavor to have you put in more secure surroundings. For your good as well as theirs. I take it that your city has not evolved into modern ways such as codes against burning on open alters in residential areas?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

Again, you might refer to the amended portion called The New Testament. Technically, police will only respond after the killing has occurred rather than doing the killing themselves. Of course, if they do respond to someone who is being threatened by the likes of you, they might, inadvertantly kill you. But that's not what your looking for. And, for such reasons, many feel the need to arm themselves. So you might be careful about the smiting thing . . . you might encounter someone with a 30 round clip, and . . well . . . the smiting may become unpleasant for you.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

Of course there are, as witnessed by the degree to which you have descended.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?

Your vision is so myopic that you might not safely cross the street, much less try to wiggle your way into contact with other people . . . or God.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

Probably from the laughter evinced by your sincere ignorance.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

You do seem to be stuck on Leviticus. Try to peruse some of the other books including the updated version. The Bible HAS been considered to evoke beautiful literary content as well as its religious merit. But if you must wallow in Leviticus, as pig-headed people might do, I suggest you stay away from contact sports, since well muscled athletes with usual sports mentality tend to punish behaviour that deviates too far from the norm.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary
that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to
stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a
private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian