Ok I'll say it again....


So.... A baby seal walks into a club...and....


I know its really bad.... but:D

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
:smash:

John, a wealthy and single professional, decides he has had enough of the "ratrace".

He finds a farmhouse in Montana miles from the nearest town and settles in. He is relaxed and content. He does not see another human being for 4 months.

One day a man comes walking up his driveway. The man introduces himself as Don explains that he owns the farm over the 'yonder' hill.

Don invites John to his house that evening for a party.
John replies "That would be great, I haven't been out of the house in months".

Don tells him there will be drunkeness at this party.

John replies " That's great, I could use a few drinks".

Don tells him that drunkeness at one of his parties often lead to brawling.

John replies "I am an ex- USMC officer... I think I can handle my own"

Don then tells him that with all the excitement from the brawling mixed with all that alcohol it could lead to some wild and rough sex.

John replies "Hey... I've been here alone for awhile, if you know what I mean"

As Don is leaving John asks "Oh, by the way, what should I wear?"

Don replies "It doesn't matter, It will be just the two of us".

A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's six year old daughter naturally
took an interest in the activity going on next door
and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew - gems
in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little
girl took it home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a construction crew building a
house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless bas-tards at Home Depot
ever bring us the f-ing' drywall," replied the little girl.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things..

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah,not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

LMAO :D

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were
hunting in the wilderness of Maine.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious
snowstorm was upon them. They came across an
isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had
heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable,
so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest
and shelter.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the
cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple
place; two rooms with a minimum of furniture and
household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the
cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied,
and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was
its location; it was suspended in midair by wires
attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious
that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity,
has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under
it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is
practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By
elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute
heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian,
"I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling
has religious meaning. Fire "lifted up" has been a
religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without
resolving the issue. When the trapper finally
returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung
his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not
Much stove pipe."

Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And
You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband said, let me tell you how this all came about

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals, which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater, which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Subject: Fw: Andy Rooney Speaks
Andy Rooney Speaks

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what
to do with them.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
>

http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/f...p-soapbox2.swf

Not bad...

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number
of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now comes
the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their
black outfits with their initials in large white letters across
their backs:
"FATASS." I feel safer already.

Two guys were sittin' at the bar, enjoying a couple Blooberries ;).

One guy says, "I had a wonderful dream last night. It was just me and my fishin' rod on a beautiful lake. Just wonderful!"

The other guy says, "Really? Well I had a dream that I was in bed with two beautiful women!"

The first guys says, "What??? You were in bed with two beautiful women and you didn't call me???"

The other guys says, "Well... when I called, your wife said you were out fishing!"

DOH'!

(Hope that wasn't too off-color!)

Hangover Ratings

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak
fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wrought upon your bowels.



Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.



Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about
five sh**s you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone
who enters the bathroom.



Five Star Hangover (*****)


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose-like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

Brrrrrr.
 

Ouch.

OK,,,I KNOW THESE ARE BAD BUT.....
 

I had to delete a couple they were REALLY bad,,


Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all | >yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"; nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging thing may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater,,,,again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas
Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the hearth. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

> A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV,
> and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
> She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
> When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's about to
> start."
> This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
> When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
> "That 's it!" (She blows her top!) ----
> "You sorry bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even
> say hello to me and then expect me to run around bringing you beers, like
> your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron, all
> day long?"
> The husband sighed. "It's started!...."

CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
---------------------------
You'll need the following:

1 C water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs
lemon juice
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.

MY 2 CENTS
 

NOW THATS A MAN!!!

:D

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the register. A Wal-Mart associate
is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?''



He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter
I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound that it makes.''



She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line.
It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.''



She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just
by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.''

He walks behind the counter to the register.
Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but
then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—
being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.


He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.''

She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?''

He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.''

SALESMAN
 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!!!" said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money!'!! and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the polished young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove "all" traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will "personally" eat the remainder."

"Well now", she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite fella, because the electricity was cut off this morning because, like I told you, I don't have any money."

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says,
"Are you Polish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian?

Or if I had asked for German
bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher
hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?


Or if I had asked for a taco
would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation,
the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Just wondering...
 

> Subject: Just wondering...
>

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangling things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>>
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!
>>
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>>
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>>
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>>
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
>>
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
>>
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>>
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
>>
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up
sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst
to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry
for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was
always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and
that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to
get
in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
 

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER


" I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

Ernest Hemingway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B. C.!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
BEER Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869

TRY THIS GAME DON'T PEAK AHEAD

MIND GAME







2% or 98%

This is strange...can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a
time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done
each of them . really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you
might miss something).

































Think of a number from 1 to 10














































Multiply that number by 9
















































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together












































Now subtract 5















































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number
you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)













































Think of a country that starts with that letter










































Remember the last letter of the name of that country


















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
















































Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
















































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter
















































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the
population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98%
of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise.
Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others.
Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or
unusual

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

:bshake:

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around
by his wife; so he went
to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed
to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the
way home. He had finished the book by the time he
reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director," said his wife.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts". And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
Broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!"
And they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a
Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a
vendor passed by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

>HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>===============================
>
>You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
>you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
>should keep the chips and dip coming.
>-- Alan, age 10
>
>No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
>to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
>out later who you're stuck with.
>-- Kirsten, age 10
>
>
>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
>FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
>
>No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
>married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>
>
>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
>You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
>yelling at the same kids.
>-- Derrick, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
>Both don't want any more kids.
>-- Lori, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
>know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
>long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
>On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
>usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
>--
>Martin, age 10
>
>
>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
>I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
>newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
>columns. -- Craig, age 9
>
>
>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
>When they're rich.
>-- Pam, age 7
>
>The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
>mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
>
>The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
>marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
>do.
>-- Howard, age 8
>
>
>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
>I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
>never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
>grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
>
>It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
>someone to clean up after them.
>-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>
>
>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
>There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
>-- Kelvin, age 8
>
>
>And the #1 Favorite is........
>
>HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
>Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
>truck. -- Ricky, age 10

A 60 year old women tells her husband she would like to have breast implants.

He responds, "Honey, that is silly, you look fine and you don't need implants".

She persists and says she has always wanted larger breasts and that she thought that he would enjoy them too. They are a little expensive..about $10,000 but we could pay for it over time.

He says, dear, again you look fine and I really don't think you need to spend 10K for implants.

She looks at him and asks again, dear, its something I really want to do...

He says, If you want bigger breasts why don't you just rub a little toilet paper on them.

She replies "What? how is rubbing toilet paper on my tits going to make them big?"

He replies, "Look what it did for your ass!"

THE DIVORCE
 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,


"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
>
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
>
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
>
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
>
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
>
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

He didn't become a champion jockey by hanging around woods and playing with nuts you know.
:laughs: :laughs:

Subject: DID YOU KNOW.....


Did you know that?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Subject: I'M SORRY




To My Dear Friend
the Dog:




I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break;
the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,
The Cat