Sorry guys....Blame it in Adam!


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make
Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will
cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history

;)

Here is a Red Neck House Boat

hi
 

>>
> >>HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> >>She thought General Motors was in the Army.
> >>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> >>She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
> >>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she
> >>wrote
> >>"Scorpio."
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> >>She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> >>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> >>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
> >>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
> >>Phonics".
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She tripped over a cordless phone.
> >>She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
> >>"Concentrate."
> >>She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
> >>WALK."
> >>She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> >>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She studied for a blood test.
> >>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> >>She sold the car for gas money.
> >>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> >>When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> >>Left,"
> >>she turned around and went home.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
> >>moved.
> >>She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
> >>She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> >>She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
> >>She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> >>Goes
> >>In Front"
> >>
> >>- Author Unknown
> >
>
>
>

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding
the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward
his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual
Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that
African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry."
she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

optical illusion
 

Don't you just love boating?

theres a boat in that pic?????????

Nice PIC....

Ok for another joke>>.....

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner. He was upstairs, like all men are when there is work to be done, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl, warmed the contents slightly and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't take any notice of you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "what the hell was that
for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The
driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The Mountie
runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up
side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do
that for?" The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The
Passenger says, "huh?" The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the
road you're gonna say, "I wish that a$%#@*& would've tried that s#@% with
me!"

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he
will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Oh my gosh... that is hilarious! lol :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!
:laughs: :laughs: :jump: :laugha: :hihi: :jester: :claps: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

Here's One...
 

Passing this one on. Funny moral.

-WW

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Subject: THE FRENCH



Subject: French jokes doing the rounds today...
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
> > Nobody knows, they have never tried it.
> >
> > The French have just ordered a new national flag.
> > It's a white cross on a white background.
> >
> > Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées?
> > So the Germans could march in the shade.
> >
> > Where do you find 60million French jokes?
> > In France.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
> > squad?
> > A Wonderbra has decent support, and a cup.
> >
> > What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
> > You can make soldiers out of toast.
> >
> > Define confusion.
> > Father's Day in Paris.
> >
> > What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
> > Philippe Flop
> >
> > What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
> > To say 'I surrender' in German.
> >
> > Why was Jesus not born in France?
> > Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
> >
> > A British, American and French soldier were offered a wish each by a
> > genie
> > after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert.
> > The British soldier said: 'I want to be in the Bahamas with a Page 3
> > girl.'
> > The American said: 'I want to be in Hawaii with a hula dancer and a
> > crate of beer.'
> > After they were whisked off, the French soldier thought for a moment and
> > said: 'I wish the Brit and American were here to help me decide.'
> >
> > Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
> > landlord
> > said: 'How did that happen?'
> > The parrot said: 'It all started as a little pimple on my bottom.'
> >
> > Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris?
> > Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.
> >
> > Why do the French eat snails?
> > It gives them speedier reactions.
> >
> > When East and West Germany got back together there were talks to
> > relocate
> > the capital city . . .
> > . . . back to Paris.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
> > The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
> >
> > In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
> > Commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle, in the line of
> > fire, to
> > retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
> > The officer said: 'I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your
> > life
> > to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.'
> > 'Warehouses?' said the soldier. 'Sacré bleu! I thought you said
> > whorehouses.'
> >

What never to say to a Police officer
 

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..

3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

DISCLAIMER....yes I am...so I can!:D ;)

Subject: Ethnic Profiling >

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
> > "I'd like some Polish sausage."
> >
> > The clerk looks at him and says,
> > "Are you Polish?"
> >
> > The guy, clearly offended, says,
> > "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> > something. If I had asked for Italian
> > sausage would you ask me if I was
> > Italian?
> > Or if I had asked for German
> > bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> > German?
> > Or if I asked for a kosher
> > hot dog, would you ask me if I was
> > Jewish?
> >
> > Or if I had asked for a taco,
> > would you ask if I was Mexican?
> > Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
> >
> > The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
> >
> > With deep, self-righteous indignation,
> > the guy says, "Well, all right then,
> > why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
> > because I asked for Polish sausage?"
> >
> > The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot

REDNECK MEASURING TAPE
 

REDNECK FISH TAPE

The Clinton Era



After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a
phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Blonde in a Blizzard
 

What to do in a blizzard?

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blond got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her
situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while
a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as
they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot.

Quote of the Year
 

Subject: Nominated For Quote Of The Year

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by TexasCongressman #^&#^&#^&#^& Armey when asked: "If you had been in PresidentClinton's place, would you have resigned?"Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

Subject: Fw: I love my computer



This is great!

> > > Subject: I love my computer
> > >
> > >
> > > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way
> > > computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> > >
> > > At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> > > computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
> > > with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
> > > driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> > >
> > > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release
> > > stating:
> > >
> > > "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving
> > > cars with the following characteristics:
> > >
> > > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> > >
> > > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> > > buy a new car.
> > >
> > > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > > windows,
> > > shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could
> > > continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> > >
> > > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> > > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have
> > > to
> > > reinstall the engine.
> > >
> > > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> > > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run
> > > on only
> > > five percent of the roads.
> > >
> > > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all
> > > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> > > warning light.
> > >
> > > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> > >
> > > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out
> > > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle,
> > >
> > > turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> > >
> > > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
> > > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
> in
> > >
> > > the same manner as the old car.
> > >
> > > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >

Smiles From the Bible
 

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. (I like
it!)

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

BLONDE ALERT
 

This is how a blonde prints e-mail.....

Only Your Bartender Knows.......
 

Only Your Bartender Knows.......



The Meanings Behind What People Drink

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

Ahhh what the hell, here is another:

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq - by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq

__________________________________________________ _____

The Saddam and George show

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met

Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for President Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...
1: You wake up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and you stop and check your e-mail on the way through.
2: You get a tattoo that reads: This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or better.
3: You name a child explorer, mozilla, or outlook express.
4: You turn off your computer and get this empty lonely feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one's life support system.
5: You spend 7 hours driving around trying to find a 12 volt adapter for your laptop so going shopping will be more productive.
6: You stay in college for an additional year or two for the free internet access.
7: You laugh at people with 28.8 modems and wonder how evolution actually occurred.
8: You start using smileycons in your responses at the other tech site (which shall remain nameless).
9: You find yourself typing com after every period when using your word processor.
10: You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading or streaming audio.
11: You start introducing yourself as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net.
12: Your friends all have @ in their names.
13: Your family pet has it's own web page.
14: Your excuse for not calling your relatives is: they don't have a modem.
15: You check your e-mail, it says you have no new messages, so you check it again.
16: Your phone bill is the lowest in the neighborhood because you cant get off the computer long enough to make long distance calls.
17: When filling out applications you write your address as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net, and your qualifications as your system's components.
18: You get to know your tech support agent better than your own wife.
19: You dream in 16-bit color.
20: You spend most of your honeymoon formatting your hard drive and reinstalling Windows.
21: You take your laptop to the Ball Game.
22: You refer to Microsoft using an uncomplimentary name.
23: You buy your toothpaste and toilet paper on-line.
24: You wonder if they'll ever bring back the Commodore 64.

Hey Fishsmith ??
 

What happened? I just edited the pic anyway:

http://www.striped-bass.com/images/saddam_mis.jpg

I didn't notice the F***, until I looked again. And with the recent nightmares you've been dealing with, I don't want to add more fuel to the fires you're putting out.
Good job editing it, thanks.

Fishing Joke
 

Two guys are fishing in a boat and one guycatches one of those fishes that grant wishes and he says " I wish this whole lake was full of beer" The fish grants his wish and says friend says "Great now we have to piss in the boat"

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

IDIOT ALERT
 

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00
a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller
time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he
would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He
also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had
just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there
anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these
people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."


Now don't you feel better?

LUNCH AT HP

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...



MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Blonde Suicide
 

> A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
> night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
>
> "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor
> asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
> replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
> suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde
> said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just
> paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting
> myself in the chest."
>
> "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth,
> and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
> I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the
> gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.
> So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.

"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

> CORPORATE LESSON 1: A man is getting into the shower just as
his
> wife is
> finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
> seconds of
> arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife
> gives
> up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When
> she
> opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to
drop
> that
> towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
> drops her
> towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds,
Bob
> hands her
> 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good
> fortune, the
> woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
> shower, "Who
> was that?"
>
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor", she replies.
>
> "Great", the husband says, "Did he say anything about the 800
> dollars he
> owes me?"
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information
pertaining to
> credit
> and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a
position to
> prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>
================================================== ===============
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 2: A priest was driving along and saw a nun on
the
> side
> of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted.
> She
> got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a
> lovely
> leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
> controlling
> the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
Psalm
> 129?"
> The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
> himself to
> remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from
her
> leg.
> Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
> again.
>
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>
> Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is
> weak."
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
> glance and
> went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to
> retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth
and
> seek.
> Further up, you will find glory."
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
> might miss
> a great opportunity!
>
>
================================================== ================
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 3: Usually the staff of the company plays
> football. The
> middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top
> management
> usually has a preference for Golf.
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
> reduce in
> size.

Take some target practice on Bin Laden. This is pretty fun. It's called Bend Over Bin Laden.

http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

gas prices
 

You think a gallon of gas is expensive? This may help put things into perspective!
> >
> > a.. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29..................$10.32 per gallon
> > b.. Lipton Iced Tea 16 oz $1.19....................$9.52 per gallon
> > c.. Gatorade 20 0z $1.59..................$10.17 per gallon
> > d.. Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25...................$10.00 per gallon
> > e.. Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15...................$33.60 per gallon
> > f.. Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35.................$178.13 per gallon
> > g.. Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.................$123.20 per gallon
> > h.. White Out 7 oz $1.39...................$25.42 per gallon
> > i.. Scope 1.5 oz$0.99...................$84.48 per gallon
> >
> >and this is the REAL KICKER:
> >
> > a.. Evian Water 9 oz for $1.49................$21.19 per gallon
> >$21.19 FOR WATER!...and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name "Evian" is "Naive" turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.
> >
> >So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, White Out or (God forbid) PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
> >
> >Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump!

Guy walks into a pizza stor, and orders a medium pizza for lunch. the guy at the counter asks the guy if he wants it cut into 4 or 8 slices. the guy answeres








4 i cant eat 8!!!!!!

THE "BAD AMERICAN"!!!



YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and
my family, not some mid-level governmental
functionary, be he Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way,
damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer,
it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble
or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to
do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college,
you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or
her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers,
and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time
arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all
those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off
during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years In the desert after getting
chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you! So, shut the Hell up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where
the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he
gets his money, and why he is always part of the
problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN
on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your
sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass
over if you're breaking the law, regardless of
what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot
works, I don't want you deciding who should be
running the most powerful nation in the world for
the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections
trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their
cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child,
it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a
BAD American.

What does Iraq have in common with the Irish








Both will be BOMBED on St. Patricks day!:rocketem: :cheers:

Special Announcement
 

All Wal-Mart and K-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing on or before
March 15th.
After that, they will all become Targets.
Thank you; that is all................

Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and
shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of
Four."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the
Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she
took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the
woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around
and
you didn't wave once."