50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, and go back to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks

stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight
up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want
your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of
money you could have one of my finest ladies and a
three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't
horny, I'm homesick."

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,

"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Inspection Teams....Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection
teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!How in the name of the
United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that
men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud!
Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until
it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the
people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass
destruction?I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of
dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the
rafters.They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can
tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can
smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can
smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother
knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an
answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide
detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an
inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men
who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand,
grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap,
"Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"
And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some
secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what
do you call this, mister?"Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some
stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home
in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for
lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn
summer.Inspectors my fanny...
You want the job done? ......... Call my mother.

A man was surf fishing along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around but didn't see anyone so he opened it

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that really is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie thought for a while and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"







2.
Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and
Joke Rating:




An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

Doctor I hurt all over
 

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but
I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it
hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and
if I touch my head here it hurts, and if I
touch my foot here, it hurts."

And the Doctor says, "I know what the problem is
You've broken your finger." :smash:

> > Subject: What is in a name?
> >
> >
> > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around,
> > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
> > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out,and froze.
> > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
> himself
> > a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
> > searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could
> > disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the
> > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
> beam
> > came to rest on a parrot.
> > "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
> > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
> > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
> > "Moses," replied the bird.
> > "Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
> > Moses."
> > "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
> >

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

NEW 2003 VERSION

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. (OR INSERT
STATE/NATION OF CHOICE)

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

6. She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10. He is not HORNY
He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

If you have a friend who is a complainer, tell them that they should look into getting a "Rectal Optomoligy: done.
It's a delicate operation where they sever the nerve that runs frommthe back of your eyes to your a$$hole, thus getting rid of their shi**y outlook on life.

That condition is known as "Optical Rectumitis"

Three Cheers for the Greyhairs!
 

To nobody's surprise there were protestors today in DC, they
attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia.
_
I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the_train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft
voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your
country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words.
__
______ "Life is not measured by the number
___ of breaths we take but by the moments
___ that take our breath away."

Got Cat?
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 5 tons of nerve gas on it

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

BILL GATES
I have just released 'eChicken 2003,' which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of 'eChicken.'

RICHARD RUSSELL
Grab the damn chicken before he gets to the other side of the road -- roast him or poach him, but get rid of the eggs, too much cholesterol.

Speaking of doubles: The following joke -- said to be current in Iraq -- has been making the rounds here:

"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'

"'And the bad news?' they ask.

"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all
up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.
"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay away from your Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you
attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama
in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the
government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledgehammer
and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and
America.

As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the
gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you. What did you think I said?"

Get anyones drivers licence online http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Try it.:D

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.......

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past
mistakes. Reconstruction may be necessary.

Between 51and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are not
patrolled.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN...

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a #^&#^&#^&#^&.

Message From Your Dog
 

My Dear Mom and Dad,

These things have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better.

Love you anyway,
Your Loving Dog

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!

3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Survivor---Tennessee
 

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Tennessee is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Tennessee Style."

The contestants will start in Jackson, travel up to Big Sandy and on to Grinders Switch and Hohenwald. Then they will head over to Pulaski and down to Fayetteville and over to Monteagle. From there they will proceed up to Tracy City, then back around through Rock Island, Smithville, and finally end up in Carthage.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Yankee license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. The Vols suck. Vote YES for an income tax. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it to Carthage alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants

Corporate America - New HR Guidelines
 

Employee Handbook Revision

Effective immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need
a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
In the future,we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40
and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

**********************

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

redcrbbr, loved the cow joke, needed a little lift.

I almost spit out my coffee when I saw this.....(hope the cat is ok)

Click Here

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the

sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle

wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees,

so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white

wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like

that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on

her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't

fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

It must be a female who wrote this, I think it's funny so I'm sharing.
:smokin: :nailem:

> FEMALE PRAYER
> > Before I lay me down to sleep,
> > I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
> > One who's handsome, smart and strong.
> > One who's loves to listen long.
> > One who thinks before he speaks.
> > When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
> > I pray that he is gainfully employed.
> > When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> > I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> > And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen..
> >
> > MALE PRAYER:
> > I pray for a deaf-mute
> > nymphomaniac with huge boobs who
> > owns a liquor store and a boat.. Amen.

The guest room in our home was due for some fresh paint.
My husband, Joe, was preparing the surface and spackling as our three year old granddaughter, Susan, observed.

She, as all three year olds, was full of questions. She asked about the spackling and her Grandpa explained that the spackling was to fill in holes left in the walls by nails.

The next morning, Susan came into my dressing room as I was applying makeup and quite innocently quipped, "Grandma, why are you putting that stuff on your face? Are you trying to fill in all those cracks?"
:smash: :confused: :eek: :laughs: :cool:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a can of Diet Coke in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Diet Coke.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his Diet Coke, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued ... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ......... "I would have gotten out today."

Are you a cowboy?
 

Are you a cowboy?
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

WHY PARENTS GO GREY
 

Subject: WHY PARENTS GO GREY


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, ...she says,
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


"Well, that's great...just great...some a--hole's got my pen." :eek:

Shipwrecked
 

Subject: Shipwrecked...

A Greek sailor, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening,the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Greek.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the sailor took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Greek sailor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the sailor started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her
ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

And now you sir? He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd #^&#^&#^&#^& in my pants!"

He got the job........

I think this was a qute one.

Butch goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard
people have sued the
tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer,and
McDonalds for making them
fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true".

Butch says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too".

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonalds, or the tobacco
companies?"

Butch says, "Neither.

I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've
slept with."

A couple is celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary with their 11 children. As the party is winding down the husband asks his wife, "Dear, after all these years I just can't help but wonder. Johnny our youngest looks nothing like his brothers and sisters. Does he have a different father?" The wife shocked at first, then looks sadly at her husband and says, "Yes. I am afraid he does have a different father" The husband, hurt and rejected demanded, " WHO ?! WHO IS HIS FATHER?!". The wife bows her head and says...


"You are dear."


BOOYA'! :eek:

"Borrowed" from another board:
----------------------------------------

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she gestured to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" :eek:

It is with heavy heart that we must pass on the following news.Please join us in remembering a great icon from the Entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy
and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mars & Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars Venus thing, and, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ,she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."