God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

:D :laughs:

Two New South Welshmen rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

:smash: :smash: :smash:

Never Lie! (From another board)
 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything." :eek:

FUNNY CLASSIFIEDS:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKERSPANIEL ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --$850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
-----------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
--------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything

Spaghetti
 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without.

A Married Couple
 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Speed Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
Speed up to 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the bridge wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.____ "The airbag."

1) Go to www.google.com
2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google
search" button
4) read what appears to be a normal error message carefully....

A dedicated Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a Union house/"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't"

"Well, if I pay you $100, what do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings,the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His

search continued until, finally, he reached a brothel were the Madam said, "Why, yes sir, this is a Union house."

The man asked, "If I pay you $100, what do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the Madam replied.

"That's more like it!" the man said. He handed the Madam the $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would sir," said the Madam. Then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Here's another cool link
 

Google Error
 

Similarly, try this one out and read the error message closely.
The good folks at Google are being funny...try this soon.

> 1) Go to Google.com
>
> 2) Type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction"
>
> 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button
>
> 4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully

Mind over Matter = I don't have a mind, so it doesn't matter

A fisherman walks into the Squire in Chatham, pulls up a stool, and sets a leather case about a foot square on the bar. He opens the case and out jumps a tiny man in a tuxedo, less than a foot tall. The fisherman reaches into the case and pulls out a perfect grand piano, just the right size for the little guy in the tux.

The fisherman orders a drink for himself and asks for a short one for his tiny friend. As the barkeep fixes the drinks, the little guy in the tux sits down and starts playing. Pretty soon, everyone in the place in listening. The little guy is whipping through all the classics—Cole Porter, Gershwin, Sinatra’s standards, early Beatles. Everyone is enthralled. People start buying the fisherman and his little friends drinks and the cheery music continues into the night.

Finally the bartender musters the courage to ask the question on everyone’s mind. He leans over and asks the guy how he came to have this amazing little friend.

The fisherman says, “It’s the same old story. I was a GI in Desert Storm. As my unit was making its way out of Kuwait, I came across a brass lamp in the sand. I gave it the obligatory rub, and sure enough, a genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. He thanked me for freeing him from a thousand years of captivity and offered to grant me the usual one wish. And what he thought I said I wanted was a ten-inch pianist.”

You don't know Jack Schitt :D :D :D

Two Women at the Pearly Gates
 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates
and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
everycloset and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack and died!"

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer. We'd both still be alive."

Every Saturday morning John goes fishing. He gets up early and eager,makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to
the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage he sees the rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,

"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies.................

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that #^&#^&#^&#^&?"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!"................. "mailbox are empty and"........

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL..."

:smash: :smash: :confused: :rolleyes: :eek:

:D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;) :p :p :p

Did you know that you can re-arrange the letters of the word MOTHER INLAW to read: WOMAN HITLER ?
:cool:

A blonde driving on a country road noticed another blonde attempting to row a boat in the middle of a hay field. She pulled her car over , jumped out and started screaming at the woman trying to row "It's stupid blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim I'd go out right now and kick your A$$.

Another Blonde Joke.

A blonde comes to the edge of a river. On the other side of the river is another blonde who yells to her " How do I get to the other side?"

To which the first blonde answers "You dumb blonde, you are on the other side !"

Bounce - Who Knew?
 

Bounce -- Who knew? And all this time I've just been putting Bounce in the dryer. Don't know if a word of it's true.
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
2. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
3. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
4. Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
5. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
6. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
7. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
8. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
9. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
10. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
11. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
12. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
13. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
14. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
15. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
16. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

17. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

A group of blondes comes into a bar to celebrate and the entire group is high fiving and cheering. They order champagne and the bartender asks what they are celebrating and the leader says we finished a puzzle that said 2-4 years, and we did it in two days!

MEN OF THE YEAR
 

If only !!!!!

#2
 

#2

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

This woman walks into a Wal-Mart and tells the clerk that she wants a refund for the toaster that she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought in on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t refund her money because, like the clerk had told her, she had bought on special.

Once again, she throws her hands in the air and begins yelling, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:



:) means a smile and



:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by



:-) and



:-( respectively.



Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass



(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass



..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
..o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

you have just been mooned

:laugha:

The Brothel
 

The Brothel
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch"
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"

What more could you ask for ????
 

???????????????

To be the beer can?

Where you been fishing??

I know there was a use for that billybud lure I got!

Rules to give to your Boss!
 

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're b-s-ing me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it

NO Nursing Home for me!
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.
The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Guy is riding in the back of a cab, he asks the cabbie 'you got room for three six packs and a pizza up front ?' Cabbie answers 'sure'. So the guy leans forward and :yak: all over the front seat :)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.


The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh,"
replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw,"
says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"


"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.


"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies.

The Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
(i.e., speaker phone) and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
> > truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
> > >
> > >
> > >The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > Americans.
> > >The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> > Americans.
> > >The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than
> > Americans.
> > >The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> > attacks than Americans.
> > >The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausage and fat and suffer
> > fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> > >
> > >CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
> > what kills you.

Lottery Ticket
 

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did
you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did
you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the
winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets
undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?"
she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"