Red, the cow joke is precious !

Thank you ! :laughs:

My neighbor is looking for a good home for their dog because his wife said the dog makes her nervous when it stares at her WHEN SHE IS NAKED.

She wants it out of the house. If you or anyone you know might be in the market, let me know.

It's seriously an AWESOME dog... a lab mix..check out the photo

Now how in the Hell did you do that ? ! :laughs: :laughs: :laughs:

Fisherman
 

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Not sure if you guys have heard this one but here it goes.....

There's this European girl who's hard on her luck here in New england and is at the bar thinking of how she's going to get back to the motherland. A man buys her a drink and askes her why she is so sad. She says to him.."I'm broke and cant get home to europe". The guy says "I tell you what, I work on a cruise ship. I can sneak you on board and hide you in a life boat. All I ask in return is a little sex every day and just make sure you never leave the life boat. We're leaving tomorrow morning"
She says "Great I'll meet you there!"
Well, she meets him at the boat and they set sail. Every day he sneaks under the life boat's cover, has sex with her and leaves her some food.
After about 2 weeks, the captian catches the guy leaving the life boat and peeks inside to see this girl laying there under a blanket.
He says "what are you doing here?!" The lady says Oh, your first mate told me That this ship is sailing for europe and If I f*ucked him every day he'd keep me hidden..

The captian starts laughing his A*ss off and says "Lady, you sure are f*ucked, this is the Block Island Ferry!!!!!".

Need fishing licenses
 

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

The Ghost Car
 

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a big snow storm._ The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car and runs to the nearby town of Gate City, VA._ Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of corn whiskey and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later, two country boys in checkered flannel shirts walked in the same bar._ One says to the other, "Look Bubba, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it."

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu<#ers are my kind of people."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman to his left says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.":D

Coworkers Sven and Kurt are both laid off from their jobs at the factory and visit the unemployment office. Kurt is the first in line to meet with the clerk.

"Tell me your occupation, please," the clerk asks.

"Panty stitcher," says Kurt. "I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

Panty stitcher is listed under unskilled labor. The clerk gives Kurt $300 a week in unemployment.

Sven sits down with the same clerk and says he works as a diesel fitter.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled labor, Sven gets a weekly
check for $600.

When Kurt finds out Sven is getting double the amount of money that he is, he returns to the unemployment office and demands to know why he is getting less money for a similar job.

"It's not the same," the clerk says. "Diesel fitters are skilled
laborers and panty stitchers are not."

"What do you mean, skilled labor!" Kurt yells. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven then pulls them over his head and says, 'Ya, diesel fitter.'"

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in minage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of f--king nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping!!!

We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other
than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So, this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to
walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended
for this antiterrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house
to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's
okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all
American women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack
at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity.

God bless America!

Very funny Fishpart.

Four wealth brothers are discussing what they got their old loving mother for X-mas. The first says....I got a great big house, the second says...I got her a Caddilac 7000ZX, the third brother got a 150,000 home theater and the fourth brother got her this very talented parrot, he paid 12 preists, $150,000 each to teach the parrot to resite the bible, it took 12 years but this parrot could resite any verse.

The old lady loved all her gifts and sent thank you notes to all her sons. The first said...."thank you for the house but I'm old and can't get around I only use one room." The second said "Thank you for the car but no longer drive I don't leave the house." The third said...."Thanks you for the theather but I can't hardly see or hear well anymore its very difficult for me." And the last said....." Thank you dearest son, I never eaten a chicken that taste as good as the one you sent!

two fish swim into a concrete wall, the first fish turns to the second fish and says "dam"

A Missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

>A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men
>when along came a guy named Vinny from Brooklyn.
>
>"I'm not going to hire any wise-ass New Yorker", the
>foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
>Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and
>he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
>into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the
>foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the
>number 9."
>
>"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says, "Dat's easy," and he
>proceeds to draw 3 trees.
>
>"What's this?" the boss asks.
>
>The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
>Tree
>'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"
>
>"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second
>question. Use the same rules, but this time use the
>number 99."
>
>Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up
>the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each
>tree, "Dare ya go, Buddy."
>
>The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
>do
>you get that to represent 99?"
>
>Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's
>dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".
>
>The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to
>hire
>the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last
>question.
>Same rules but this time use 100."
>
>Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the
>picture once again, makes a little mark at the base
>of
>each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
>
>The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says,
>"You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
>
>New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks
>at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes
>along
>and takes a #^&#^&#^&#^& on each a dem trees, so now ya got
>dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty
>tree an' a turd which makes one hundred. .......
>Bada
>boom, bada bing. . When do I freakin' start?"
>

> > "Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate
> >my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
> >On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
> >truth was just too darned humiliating.
> >I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I
would
> >feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up
a
> >doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
> > The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to
> >adopt a cute little kitty.
> >Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was
> >taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
me
> >from the kitchen.
> >"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
> >"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
> >pitter-patter and steam.
> >"Reset it yourself!"
> >"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
> >in?"
> > There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
> >second."
> >So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged
> >nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
> >extremely cowardly.
> >Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
> >the button.
> >It is the last action I remember performing...
> >It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
> >No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.
> >It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
> >spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
> >stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
> >was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged
> >them with her needle-like claws.
> >I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
> >rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging
> >from my masculine region.
> >Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
> >in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
> >experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet
> >bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
> >The impact knocked me out cold.
> >When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
> >many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
> >floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
> >Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
> >snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to
> >suppress their hysterical laughter.... .and not succeeding.
> >Somehow I lived through it all.
> >A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues
> >tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept
silent,
> >claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
> >"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
> >If they only knew!
> > >

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast

enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,

rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want

bigger boobies."



She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!

She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she

murmured, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."



A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"



"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"



He responded, "Hickory #^&#^&#^&#^&ory dock . .

Two cows in England are talking
The first cow says "THis mad cow disease is pretty scare huh?
Cow 2 "Not for me"
Cow 1 "Why not"
Cow 2: cause I'm not a cow stupid, I'm a helocopter....
'hound

The Southern preacher rose with an angry red
face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. "This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this".
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Whats a 747 and a bleached blonde have in common !

They both have black boxes!!

Why God created children
 

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students ... here is something to contemplate.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wishing He’d stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THIS STORY:

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our home, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR PARENTS:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

:D

15 things to do at wal-mart
 

Things to do at Wal-Mart


15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your significant other is taking their
sweet time:


Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when They
aren't looking.


Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.


Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares,...and see what happens.


Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

Go into the gun department and ask to look at a rifle and then ask the clerk where the anti-depressents are.


Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.


When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?


Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick Your nose.



Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme From
'Mission Impossible'.


In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using Different size
funnels.


Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK
ME!"


When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the position and
scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"


And last but not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then Yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."


:happy: Something my husband would do :happy:

ive done a couple of them . like putting things in others carriages ( not condoms ) . moving other people carriages to other aisles when they are not paying attention . settin alrm clocks to off at the same time a few minutes after Ive left . I used to put things in my jacket when I know Im being watched then discard it when security isnt looking . then when I leave and the store detective comes up and wants to see me back in the store I have no merchandise on me . I have even had to show them where I stashed it to prove I didnt leave the store with anything . they dont think thats funny at all . "I should arrest you" . "why I didnt remove anything from the store" !
next time Im allowed to go to a store Ill have to try that .
I really like the last one " theres no toilet paper in here" .

What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jack-sin?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
get outa my sun:D

lol Goose !

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......

"Make 'em all ugly again".
:D

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the Yukon wilderness, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.... Having a New Years Party Friday night..... Thought you might like to come by. About 5:00....."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

Sam says, "Well I get along pretty good with most people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns back from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to this party idea even more. "I've been all alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us."

:laughs: Thats a good one.... reminds me of the night I met fishweewee:D

Think about this:

A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is = 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health &Human Services)

Then think about this:

A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

God's Country

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Bronco's bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hot line to GOD.

John asked the coach if he could use it and the coach said: "Sure,
but it will cost you $100."
Madden scratched his head and then said: "What the heck, I need somehelp picking the games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.

Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota when henoticed the same kind of phone near the Viking bench. He asked Coach Tice, what the phone was for and Tice said: "It's a hot line to GOD and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100."

Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Once again Madden was perfect.

The next weekend Madden was in Foxboro at Gillette Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Patriot's bench. He asked Coach Belichek if it was a hot line to GOD. Bill said, "Yes it is; do you want to use it? It will cost you 35 cents."

Madden looked at Coach Belichek and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Minnesota to use the same phone! Why in Foxboro do they only charge 35 cents?"

Belichek looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Foxboro, it's a local call."

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with
a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Redcrbbr, this is great. My 14 year old informed me recently that her friend set her up on a blind date with a 17 year old kid. I said, you will never go on a date unless I meet the kid first, besides the fact that you're too young to go on a date with an older kid right now unless it's in my livingroom watching Bambi on DVD. This joke should hit home!

That absolutely Rocked......My Daughters only 7 but I can't wait to make my her dates Wet Their Pants!!:af: :af:

Life Explained
 

:laughs:

Some Redneck Fun
 

1

2)

Who Is Tired of the Snow?
 

Thought some of you might appreciate this one: