The Longest Thread in History
 

There is a competition amongst other people that use the same message board program as we do here at S-B. It started a couple days ago and for Grins & Giggles, I figured we could jump in too. Now there is no prize and I won't get a gold star on my forehead if we join in but I figured - Why Not?


Below are the rules that were put together by the guy who started this competition.

So do we have a chance of winning? Hell no! Some of these sites have more users than we do posts but I think we can be a little respectable http://striped-bass.com/images/plasma_dude.gif

..How many times can the same user post a reply in succession?..:D:D.....

Well??....whats the answer?....;)

ok.....if the RED house is on the Right.....


and the bloo house is on the left.......

where's the white house???......

ANOTHER QUICKIE.......:D

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone."

Sheeeeeeeesh!!!!.......I have a lot of time on my hands right now...


...I was asked to design a menu cover, maybe I should get off here....and start gettin busy.....:p

...First a George Burns quote for ya......;)


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot
pool with a rope."


I laugh at that one everytime .....:D:D

this is the cleanest I could find
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

.....I hope this ones' not too......ummm...naughty for the site John..

..feel free to remove it, if anyone protests....:rolleyes:


"An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Donna,
Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home,
walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated
Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down > again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. ....
Shoulda bought a hat."

That's the idea Bloo :smash: :smash: :smash: :smash:

Hey John.....I gotz a question for ya......

:D....why don't you ever appear to be online....when in fact, you are!!......you playin "Secret Sheriff" or somethin'...??...:D:D:D

Here gos

Man dies and goes to hell. The big guy comes in and tells his #2 man to but this one to work in a field smashing rocks with a 20# hammer and to make it 90 deg. and 90% humidity. That night he stops by to see how sick the guy is but he is smiling and loughing as he smashs the rocks. He gets mad as hell and tells the guy he should be sick as hell of this job but the guy said it was great just like back home in Massachusetts on his wonderfull farm. So he tells the #2 man to make it 110 deg. and 110 % humidity. The next night he stops by to see how sick the guy is and he is singing and has a big smile on his face. He looks at the guy and tells him he should be sick of hell but the guy said this is great just like back home on my beloved farm back in Massachusetts. So he tells his #2 man to make it -20deg. 40 mph winds and a snow and ice storm! Next day he stops by and the guy is now smiling,dancing,and loughing, he looks at the guy and asks him how can he be so happy in hell and the man said back its like this COLD DAY IN HELL MUST MEEN THAT MY PATRIOS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!

Oldie but Goodie: You actually have to think a little - sorry
:smash:

Each question below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words.

For Example: 8 = S on a S S, would be:
8 = Sides on a Stop Sign

1. 8 = S on a S S

2. 3 = B M (S H T R)

3. 4 = Q in a G

4. 24 = H in a D

5. 1 = W on a U

6. 57 = H V

7. 1,000 = W that a P is W

8. 29 = D in F in a L Y

9. 64 = S on a C

10. 40 = D and N of the G F

ICE

#2....3 Bass Men...(Striper Hunting The RacePoint)...:smash:

#3....4 Quahogs in a Grinder??..:happy:

#4....24 Hours in a Day....:)

#5....1 Walleye on a Unicycle....???...:confused:

#6.....57 Heinz Varieties.....:)

#7 ....1,000 Ways that a Pogy is Whammed!!!...:p

#8.....29 Days in February in a Leap Year.....:)

#9....64 Stripers on a CuttyHunk trip!!!!!......:laughs: (my favorite)

#10....40 Days and Nights of the Goin' Flukin' (routine)...:D

....:mad: Where are the rest of the troops???....

c'mon fellas......point click ....point click!!!.....

its easy.....:happy: :happy: :happy:

.....Sheeeeeesh!!!...so much for team effort!!....:rolleyes:


....I think you guys need a new water cooler at the shop!!!..;)

http://striped-bass.com/images/bloo/funpic325.jpg

Im on a 56K that actually runs at 28.8 because of line noise that verizon can't seem to fix!!! All well here goes. Heres some jokes.

this is my wifes not mine!



THREE MEN

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river"; Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a
couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, 'Please God, give me the
strength and the tools to cross this river"; Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and
the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked up stream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.

THE HOTEL BILL
------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They
stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When
they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk althought it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him
$350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to
the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and
wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they
are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows",
complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager
replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the
man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have!"

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. A little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With an embarrassed smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make it. About this time, a large Texan, who was standing behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't know you!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

Subject: Need a laugh?
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM.
Signed,
The Blonde"
She gave the little boy the note, and told him to go straight home and give
the note to his mother.................
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"

new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
> > > > The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a
> > > > rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammerin 95 degree
> > > > heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the
> > > > devil went to see how the man was doing, only to
> > > > find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The
> > > > man explained that the heat and hard labor were very
> > > > similar to those on his beloved farm back in
> > > > Massachusetts
> > > >
> > > > The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120
> > > > degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next
> > > > day, the devil again checked on the new man, and
> > > > found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The
> > > > man explained that it felt like the old days, when he
> > > > had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on
> > > > his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.
> > > >
> > > > At that, the devil told his demon to lower the
> > > > temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40
> > > > mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was
> > > > confident that he would find the man miserable.
> > > > But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,
> > > > twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the
> > > > devil asked him why he was so happy, the man
> > > > answered,
> > > > "Cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the
> > > > Super Bowl!"

Subject: 21st Century Church
>
> The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were
> reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to
replace
> the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled
first."
> The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a
> little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so
I
> supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that
packed
> us to the balcony."
>
> "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
> "Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
> But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!" "I know, I know, my son, but the bishop has
told me that the flashing neon sign "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell",.. HAS TO
GO !!..!

What do women really want?
>
> Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
> monarch of neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have
> killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the
> monarch offered him freedom, as longas he could answer a
> very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
> answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer he would be put to death.
>
> The question: What do women really want?
> Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
> and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since
> it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition
> to have an answer by year's end.
>
> He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
> the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
> jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
> answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch-only
> she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was
> famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to
talk
> to
> the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
> her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of
> the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur
> was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, and only one tooth,
smelled
> like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a
> repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her, and have
> him endure such burden.
>
> Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
> that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
> preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,
> and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
>
> What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
> Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
> that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring
> monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
>
> What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
> between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle, and
> courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and
> generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
>
> The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
> entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
> woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what
> had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
when
> she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed
> self
> half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
>
> Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
> What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day a
> beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of
> his home,
> an old witch? Or would he prefer to have by day a hideous witch, but by
> night a
> beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
>
> What would you do?
>
> What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your
> own choice.
>
>
>
> Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing
> this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he
had
> respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
>
>
>
> What is the moral of this story?
> The moral is: if your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to
get
> ugly!
>
>

> After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness
doesn't
> travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
> curb.
>
> Hey, Mr. Pope.." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not
> seated yourself in this excellent limo?"
> "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at

> the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
>
> "That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd
> never left Calcutta.
>
> "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
>
> Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the
> wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport,
> the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.
>
> "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver,
> but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.
>
> "Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.
>
> The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches,
> but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on
> the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.
>
> The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo
> going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I think the
> guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason."
> "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
> "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
> "Bigger."
> "Governor."
> "Bigger."
> "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
> "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
>
>

"Moral Question"

.This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do....

.
The situation:
You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromise and structures destroyed.
You are a photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are traveling alone,
looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.You can either put down your camera and save him,or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:

Would you use a wide angle lens, or a telephoto?

NOT A JOKE BUT IT MAKES YA THINK..........


WHAT REALLY COUNTS.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was
> > >> a
> > >> cowboy's life, a
> > >> >>life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't
> > >> realize was that it
> > >> >>was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift,
> > >> my
> > >> cab became a
> > >> moving
> > >> >>confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in
> > >> total anonymity,
> > >> >>and told me about their lives. I encountered people
> > >> whose
> > >> lives amazed
> > >> me,
> > >> >>ennobled me, made me laugh and weep. But none touched
> > >> me
> > >> more than a
> > >> >>woman I picked up late one August night.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I was responding to a call from a small brick
> > >> fourplex
> > >> in a quiet part
> > >> >> of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some
> > >> partiers, or
> > >> >>someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a
> > >> worker heading to an
> > >> early
> > >> >> shift at some factory for the industrial part of
> > >> town.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark
> > >> except for a single
> > >> >>light in a ground floor window. Under these
> > >> circumstances,
> > >> many drivers
> > >> would
> > >> >> just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive
> > >> away.
> > >> But I had seen
> > >> >>too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as
> > >> their only means of
> > >> >> transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger,
> > >> I
> > >> always went to
> > >> >>the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my
> > >> assistance, I
> > >> >>reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and
> > >> knocked.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I
> > >> could hear
> > >> >> something being dragged across the floor. After a
> > >> long
> > >> pause, the door
> > >> >>opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She
> > >> was
> > >> wearing a print
> > >> dress
> > >> >> and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like
> > >> somebody out of a 1940s
> > >> >> movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The
> > >> apartment looked as
> > >> >>if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture
> > >> was covered with
> > >> >>sheets.
> > >> >>There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or
> > >> utensils on the
> > >> counters.
> > >> >> In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos
> > >> and
> > >> glassware.
> > >> >>>> "would you carry my bag out to the car?"
> > >> she
> > >> said. I took the
> > >> suitcase
> > >> >> to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She
> > >> took
> > >> my arm and we
> > >> >> walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me
> > >> for my kindness.
> > >> >> "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my
> > >> passengers the way
> > >> >>I would want my mother treated".
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> When we got in the cab, she gave me and address, then
> > >> asked, "Could you
> > >> >> drive through downtown?"
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry.
> > >> I'm
> > >> on my way to a
> > >> >>hospice".
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were
> > >> glistening.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The
> > >> doctor says I
> > >> >> don't have very long."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
> > >> "What
> > >> route would you
> > >> >> like me to take?" I asked.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> For the next two hours, we drove through the city.
> > >> She
> > >> showed me the
> > >> >> building where she had once worked as an elevator
> > >> operator. We drove
> > >> >>through the neighborhood where she and her husband had
> > >> lived when they
> > >> were
> > >> >> newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a
> > >> furniture
> > >> warehouse that
> > >> >> had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing
> > >> as a
> > >> girl. Sometimes
> > >> >> she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular
> > >> building
> > >> or corner and
> > >> >>would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon,
> > >> she
> > >> suddenly said,
> > >> >>"I'm tired. Let's go now."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> We drove in silence to the address she had given me.
> > >> It
> > >> was a low
> > >> >> building, like a small convalescent home, with a
> > >> driveway that passed
> > >> >>under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as
> > >> soon
> > >> as we pulled
> > >> up.
> > >> >>They were solicitous and intent, watching her every
> > >> move.
> > >> They must have
> > >> been
> > >> >> expecting her.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the
> > >> door. The woman
> > >> >> was already seated in a wheelchair.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into
> > >> her
> > >> purse.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Nothing," I said.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "You have to make a living," she answered.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "There are other passengers," I responded.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.
> > >> She held onto me
> > >> >> tightly.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she
> > >> said. "Thank you."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning
> > >> light. Behind me,
> > >> >> a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a
> > >> life.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I
> > >> drove aimlessly,
> > >> >> lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could
> > >> hardly talk. What if
> > >> >>that woman
> > >> >> had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient
> > >> to
> > >> end his shift?
> > >> >> What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked
> > >> once, then driven
> > >> >>away?
> > >> >>
> > >> >> On a quick review, I don't think that I have done
> > >> anything more
> > >> >> important in my life. We're conditioned to think
> > >> that
> > >> our lives revolve
> > >> >>around great moments. But great moments often catch us
> > >> unaware-beautifully
> > >>
> > >> >>wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>
> > >> >> PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR
> > >> WHAT
> > >> YOU SAID, ...BUT
> > >> >>THEY
> > >> >>WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

Subject: The Hormone Hostage

This should apply to every husband. The Hormone Hostage knows that there
are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

double post!

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Drunk Asks a Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode
on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they
passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
right,
so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both
would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid
to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the
donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how
awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
as well kiss your ass good-bye.

GBOUTDOORS, I like that one about my Patriots.

Holy cow, I just noticed I have 1005 posts. I gotta stop flapping the keys.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Ok thats enough for today I will continue to spam tommorow.

OK - jokes, that'll burn some ones & zeros...

OK - second oldest joke in the world - 90% of the world has heard it:

What's the last thing to go thru a nugs mind when he hits yer windshield???

His A$$...

There once was a man from Nantucket.......