Joke for today?
 

OK - so it's a bad joke, but I don't write 'em...

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

> -TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

...........Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?










.........- To look for "Pooh".

thanks for the chuckle, needed it this morning :p

bloo, that is too friggin funny! just had to say that.

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter
morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
of snow today. You must park...", then the electric
power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

DEAR EMPLOYEE LETTER

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (#^&#^&#^&#^&). We take pride in the amount of #^&#^&#^&#^& our employees receive. We have given our employees more #^&#^&#^&#^& than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough #^&#^&#^&#^& on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the #^&#^&#^&#^& you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY
>
>
>
>
>
>This is good...
>
>
>
>
> > Think of a letter between A and W.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> > Keep going . . . Don't stop . .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of a man's/woman's name that begins
> > with the last letter in the animals name.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Almost there........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now count out the letters in that name on the
> > fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Take the hand you counted with and hold it
> > out in front of you at face level.
> >
> > Look at your palm very closely and notice the
> > lines in your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Do the lines take the form of the first letter in
> > the persons name?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Of course not.......
> >
> > Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,
> > and quit playing e-mail games!

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.#^& Every night Howard
goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening Annabel, aged 87 wanders into the garden.#^& They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.#^& After a
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks "Do
you want to know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims "Why you old buzzard, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head."

"I know" Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for
awhile."

"Well I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.#^& Afterwards they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their meeting place.#^& Alarmed,
Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK.#^& She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident who was holding his manhood.

Furious, Annabel yelled "You two-timing creep! What does she have
that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..."

;)......Funny.........:)

What movie was that from?


Fishsmith - that one is on the borderline ;) - remember "Family Friendly" site ;)

liked that one john...smack yourself in the head....lol



Children's Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If It's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.

You got it John, Don't hesitate to delete it if you want. The only waves I want to make are with my boat.

Signs of the 00's


1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with certain friends is that they do
not have email addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get
an outside line.
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years -- and worked for three
different companies.
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lost all of your best
jokes.
14. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
16. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'
annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19. You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff members your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving.
25. Your relatives and family members describe your job as "works with
computers."
26. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on
your desktop.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE:
27. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends
you send jokes to" email group.
29. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

a quick riddle???..



Mr. Robinson and his son were driving down the road one day when they were in a terrible car wreck. Mr. Robinson died on impact and they rushed his son Mark to the Emergency Room. When they arrived the doctor came in and said, "I cannot operate on him. He is my son!" How is this possible?

ok......heres the answer........






















the doctor was his mother!!!!!!.....:D:D:D

Mom.....
Damn....you posted that 3 seconds before I did...........

Steve, what about some weird facts....


1: The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left.


2: "a man a plan a canal panama"

spelled backwards is still

"a man a plan a canal panama"



3: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.


4: A snail can sleep for three years.


5: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.


6: Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

7: If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

8: No word in the English language rhymes with "month".

9: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

10: "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

11: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

12: The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

13: All polar bears are left handed.

14: TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Ummm....bored Bloo? I think you and I are about the only people doing this right now....;)............LOL

Where's that 70 degree Tuesday?............

what???.......did I hear you right??.....you want more weird facts??....


ok.....:D


Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!


In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs


Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!


Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words - none of them with the letter E!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!


The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!


The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!


....that last one is really hard to believe...I'll have to try it next time...:D

the West Wall should be lighting up about now.....Steve

....if I didn't have a dang stag and shower in an hour....I'd be there already


:af: :af: :af:

Don't Fret...it's pretty cold out....winds turning SW mid day tomorrow....Monday 60's, Tuesday 70+?

Speaking of praying mantis, we caught 2 in our backyard garden last year. so my wife puts them in a fish tank to see what happens. Turns out they were male and female. They end up mating 2 days later and right after there done the female starts chasing the male all around the cage. This guy is running for his life(literally). After about 40 laps around the cage she catches him. After she wrestles him down SHE STARTS TO EAT HIM. She ate every last piece of that poor sap. There happened to be a bunch of my wifes freinds there that day and they were all high five'n and hootin and hollerin'. I wanted to take that little @#$%@ outside for some justice! But after some research it turns out they need the nutrients from the males body for reproduction! I am scarred for life.

Scotch - looks like the remale Prayin' Mantis practices Catch & eat too....

To Pun Is Fun


1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

time
 

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to Californiabecause it's cool
2002: Moving to Californiabecause it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Down with the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Good one Red....

Subject: Sign


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,"I'm Stupid", That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving? " "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Jesus's Ethnicity ~


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.


Amen
:cool: :D

Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (long version)


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.......

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the
state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your grandma falls over in the back of your pickup while your making a turn
because the folding chair wasn't secured to the truck bed.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
came in."
You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor
to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your
car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You picked your false teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your family tree does not branch.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge- clearance
restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time call..."
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four-letter words have two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You own a three-pound belt buckle.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet
paper.

> A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
> quarter.
> Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
> realizes
> the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
> help.
> A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
> suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
> sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
> puts
> her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places
> it
> on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way
> unhurried,
> across the market.
> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
> and
> starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
> few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which
> the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
> hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
> bar without
> saying a word.
> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects
> the
> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
> never
> seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a
> doctor?"
>
> "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
>

My brother-in-law married a divorce attorney. He's now HALF the man he used to be.

Adam and Eve

After spending time with Eve,
Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.





Adam began to ask questions about her.


Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord,
and I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

Proof that Vodka is good for your brain:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface#^&including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

I'm no golfer but I thought this was good....


One day this guy was out playing a round of golf with his wife.
He was not having a very good day. On the third hole he tees
off, the ball slices way to the right, bounces off a tree and
lands in the rough behind a barn.

As he is standing there scratching his head, trying to think of
what to do, his wife says "I have an idea! Why not open the
doors on both sides of the barn; that way you can hit the ball
straight through the barn and you'll be back on the fairway
without having to take a penalty stroke."

Sounds like a good idea.

So he opens the barn doors, lines up and swings at the ball.
The ball flies up, richochets off the rafters of the barn, hits
his wife in the head and kills her.

Ten years later he is out playing golf again, this time with his
new wife, and he does the same thing; bounces the ball off a
tree and into the rough behind the same barn.

His new wife says "Why don't you open the barn doors and hit the
ball right through?"

"Nah," said the golfer, "last time I tried that something
terrible happened."

"What was that?" said the wife.

"I shot a double bogey."

se how you like this one
 

>A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem
>and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam
>the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis
>were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he
>could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that
>might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.
>
>The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's
>trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The
>thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was
>just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would
>be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to
>go for it.
>
>A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use
>his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic
>evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
>restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a
>stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being
>extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and
>immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the
>table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was
>stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said:
>
>"That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
>
>With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure
>if I can fit another roll up my ass."
>

Subject: Date rape drug for men




Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by
females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost
anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered helpless against this approach. After several"beers" men
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
ever town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

From the Maine Department Of Tourism

Maine seems to be on everyone's vacation wish list. Hence the slogan on
Maine license plates, "Vacationland." This list of rules will be handed to
each person entering the state. Vehicles with New Jersey, New York and
Connecticut plates will receive two copies:

1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work
before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your
butt kicked...by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time!

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar
and a long spoon.

9. If you bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really
want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and they are cows. That's what they smell like. Get
used to it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 & the Maine Turnpike go two
ways....get in the Southbound Lane!

15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season.
They are religious holidays. You can go get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish.

18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red
chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains, NY.


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