Originally Posted by Jim in CT
Raptor, you don't know me, I offer this in the hopes that it may help.
I fell in love with a girl when I was 20 and at UCONN. She was truly my best friend and the love of my life. We had a spectacular relationship, we couldn't believe how happy we were together. And if you asked every single one of our friends "which couple do you know, that has the best relationship", every single person would have said me and her.
A year after I graduated, she was still in school. I had made vague plans with my older brothers to spend a day in NYC in the diamond district to buy an engagement ring for her graduation present. Before I did, she was killed in a car accident.
Like you, I was certain that my world had come to an end, that life could never be as bright as it once was, that there was almost no fathomable reason to go on. I could not have been more devastated. I lost 45 pounds in about 5 weeks. I had chronic nosebleeds from my blood pressure, which was measured once at 210/160, I was on blood pressure medication for almost 2 years. Food tasted like dirt. Music had no sound. All I could feel, the only thing I was capable of feeling, was loss. Nothing else, just loss. My days were horrible and my nights were worse, it was an unescapable nightmare.
Fortunately for me, I had a 6 month-old golden retriever that we planned on raising together. A few months after the crash, I took him for a hike at a local state park. There is a nice view of the lake from the top of a hill. We sat there (I swear that dog would sit there because he loved taking in the view). I gave him a biscuit. He licked my face. Down below at the lake, some little kids squealed with delight as they caught a fish with their Dad. It was a crystal blue sky, with a slight, refreshing breeze. I took a few deep breaths, and I swear I could feel her telling me that she wanted me to go on with my life. I looked around - at my happy loving dog, at the beautiful scenery, at the people enjoying the lake, and I decided that while there was a chance I would never be in a relationship again, I could still find beauty and meaning in this life.
Many years later, I doubt that 2 consecutive hours have gone by that I don't think about it. But time has worked its magic. I learned first-hand that the human heart and spirit really have an amazing capacity to heal. For me, it helped to have people I trusted, to talk to, because I had some really dark days. That's all part of grief, I think.
I believe that my former girlfriend is in a spectacular place right now. I believe she is happy and healthy, surrounded by her loved ones that passed first. I am certain that she is glad I put my life back together again. And I am certain that I will see her again some day.
Hang in there. Grief can be brutal and agonizing, it can push you right to the very limits of the human capacity to tolerate pain. It can push you right to the limit. But the amazing thing is, we can come back from the edge of that abyss.
I will be praying that eventually, your anguish will diminish, as mine did. Please hang in there, just keep breathing, talk to people you trust. And eventually, look around like I did, and try to find convincing evidence that despite tragedies that hit many of us, life does go on, and it can still have beauty and meaning.
May God Bless you.
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