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As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill
> them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
> because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
> overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and
> went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things
> at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
> You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
> during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
different
> models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could
do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
>
> I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price
scale.
> To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
> to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
> pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies
> and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
> home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
> dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
> bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of
> the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
> the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into
the
> dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no
> one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny,
> hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me
> and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>
> I told him she was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise.
> Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died,
> who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a>
> noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
>
> Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
> fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
>
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
> mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
> wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
> car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
> decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
> to perfect health!
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