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From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas
Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the hearth. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
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