I dunno, Flap - sounds like you've finally come to the point in age where you're not sure what you want...or why...
It happens, at a certain point your life starts to shift gears...and you won't figure it out 'til you come out the other side - where ever that may be for you.
Old age is the only totally unexpected thing that will ever happen to a man - make the most of it and start living like you mean it
The point of the whole trip, as we used to say in the '60's, is to get back to where you started and truly understand it for the first time.