[The Dad Fisherman]

Found some more great Paul Lynde Quotes......

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!

Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?
Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?
Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to
six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman?
Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!

Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning!

Peter Marshall: Mama Cass Ellott has an official royal title. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Tubby!

Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness--I can never say that--lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!

Peter Marshall: According to Mythology, if a Sphinx asked a man a question, and the man answered it incorrectly, what woud happen?
Paul Lynde: Circle gets the square.

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, "Things aren't always as bad as they seem if you..." do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.

Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains
firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul...champagne glasses were designed to resemble Marie Antoinette's bosom?
Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot glass!

Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?
Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.

Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a sinner?
Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a company that will rent you a nude bartender for your party?
Paul Lynde: (sings) Set 'em up, Joe...

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, when putting on your makeup, if you use a dark foundation directly below your jawbone, and blend it from ear to ear, it will help hide something. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, can you tell I'm wearing pearls?

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can't have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?
Paul Lynde: It's a pity that she couldn't make it in show business.

Peter Marshall: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Paul Lynde: Conversation.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Everyone knows the first verse: (singing)
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor
What shall we do with the drunken sailor, so early in the morning?
But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde:
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor
Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor, so early in the morning
(audience laughs, then...) How disgusting....that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall: In what #^&#^&#^&#^&ens classic, Paul, will you find the phrase "You may find us rough, sir, but you'll find us ready"?
Paul Lynde: Oh, "Little Women."

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the song that is played when the President of the United States walks into a room?
Paul Lynde: "Send in the Clowns."

Peter Marshall : Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time i saw it was when i didn't buy their cookies.

Peter Marshall: Who was known as "Old Blood and Guts"?
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.