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I’m not a racist.” So what if you are? What if most of us are racist? What if you’re more like people you judge than you realize? What if facing that helped us actually become more like the people we wish to be? I’m racist ffs. I have judgements about people of every background -- including literally the exact same mix that I am AND about my own self -- based on race. There are myriad semi-conscious and subconscious ways I feed systems and institutions that are infused with racism either because I don’t yet realize it, don’t know what to do about it, or am too tired or overwhelmed at any given moment to think of another option. I have to address and dismantle these things on a day to day, moment to moment basis, at the same frequency they are fed to me by what I watch, who I interact with, what and who I know is considered valuable by a society that is crumbling even as we are blindly scrambling to build on top of the rubble. Racism is in the air we breathe, it is locked into our DNA, it is recycled via memory and habit at every moment. Are you trying to cut down on frizz? Have you thought about why there are entire lines of hair products just for this dreaded ‘problem’? Do you call White people who aren’t as refined or “classy” as you White trash? Have you thought about why it was important to add White to the term? What is the normal kind of trash that the word White has to be added to so you can mark the distinction? Who that is not White do you call “pretty”? Why? What are their features? How often have you marveled at how well-spoken a White person was? Do you love Black people but not actually have any as friends? Do you have Black friends? How close are those relationships? Can you talk about race with them? Can they talk to you about it? Do you listen? Would they confirm that you listen? I’m not asking these things to shame anyone. Shame is only good as a touchstone: Does x feel icky? Yes? Ok that goes on the list of things I need to work on. Work on it. Do better next time -- because there will be a next time. Keep working. I don’t want you to wallow in shame. Chronic shame is addictive and just breeds more to be ashamed of. I think that may be where we’re at now. Hundreds of years of chronic shame. How many of our White ancestors heard rapes and beatings of enslaved Africans and could not or would not act to stop them? How many prayed in church the next day beside or in front of the perpetrators? How many were married to the perpetrators? How many were the perpetrators themselves? How many were told that the enslaved were a different kind of human, barely human, not human? How many were told Black people couldn’t feel pain? How many were told Black people didn’t have souls? How many of our White ancestors watched as kidnapped humans were placed naked on auction blocks in the center of their towns at a time when it was considered scandalous to glimpse someone’s leg or back unclothed? How many watched those same humans toil in fields -- knowing it was forced labor? How many couldn’t afford that kind of ‘help’ but wished they could? How many deplored the entire business but still wore cotton clothing, smoked tobacco, ate the food that others suffered and died for to get to them because they didn’t know what else to do or had no other tolerable, or survivable, choice? How many practiced generation after generation not seeing these things because to see meant to take responsibility and the responsibility was too daunting, too inconvenient, too terrifying, too unnecessary, or too deadly to take on? When slavery was abolished the system was renamed, rearranged, and still maintained lower-class citizenship and danger for Black people. It didn’t disappear. Do you think it did for Whites? Do you think the scars of slavery were limited to the backs of the enslaved and not their hearts and souls -- or yours? Do you think witnessing horrific abuses (let alone those who directly perpetrated) for generations had no lasting effects on your people? Our people? Do you think we don’t all have PTSD? Do you think that passing down from parent to child the tradition of feeling like a pristinely *good person* while immersed in tyranny ended when the laws changed? Do you think White folks who immigrated (or emigrated) after slavery or lived in parts of the country where it ended earlier didn’t benefit from a playing field left profoundly uneven after hundreds of years of trade in humans and the deceptively underpriced goods they produced? You know the denial you see that leaves you frustrated after Thanksgiving with your family? You know how baffling it is to see a parent eating something that just hurts them later? Or drinking too much? Or ignoring all the work you’ve done in your field of endeavor because it doesn’t measure up to an ideal they imagined for you when you were in diapers? You know how folks pick fights that only get themselves more angry, more hurt, that make them look terrible in front of everyone when they take things too far, when they hang onto an incorrect point rather than concede defeat because then they’d have to feel the embarrassment everyone else feels for them? You know the whispers (or desperate pleas) about abuse in so many of our families that are ignored, hidden, ‘forgotten’ about? You know that person who just can not bring themself to say the words “I’m sorry,” and mean them? You know how folks say they’re fine when they’re not? You know how you say you’re fine when you’re not? This nation was built on denial. We’re in denial about how deep that runs. We’re in denial about how much our relationship to race and our history has driven this. We still act as if we live apart. We still act as if we can somehow be pristine. We can not. No one gets out of this country -- or this life -- unscathed. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. You can look within yourself and see racism there and not necessarily see or be a bad person. In fact, I’d argue that if you’re someone who wants to be good, who then looks within and finds something bad there, that the truthfulness and courage it takes to do that are a foundation for goodness as solid and sturdy as any foundation you could wish to build your character on. To see things that are racist within yourself, or in your actions, means you have a fighting chance of keeping these things from hurting yourself and others. To face something this big and ugly and to overcome aspects of it bit by bit will strengthen every aspect of your being. Who knows what you could accomplish or contribute with this strength. To do this, to practice seeing oneself justly requires a counterbalance of forgiveness. It requires an acceptance of the self as a whole, flawed, but nonetheless valuable, being. It requires kindness, compassion, patience. It requires action in order to correct the flaws, and the resilience to refine the corrections. It requires the ability to tolerate one’s anger and frustration with oneself for not being Good yet. It requires the capacity to receive the anger and frustration others have while having to deal with our shortcomings. It requires building the kind of goodwill in relationships that can sustain those feelings. It requires exactly the things it takes to heal the festering wounds of racism in ourselves and each other. All of it is love. Perhaps earlier in our history we wouldn’t have been as equipped to do this. We have now reached a point collectively where we have access to every resource we could need to support this journey. Through the internet we can ask every question, see nearly every perspective, and access numerous groups and individuals and publications to support the often soul-crushing but ultimately soul-freeing journey. When it gets too hard there are many people like you who can say “I’ve been there. This is what helped.” When we need spiritual support there is no shortage of individuals or entire congregations that will pray for us. There are countless lessons in the holy scriptures of the world that apply. There are answers and peace in meditation. There is solace and illumination in music and other arts. We can completely anonymously engage with any of these resources online. It’s time. Black people are still dying. Even our best institutions need the legacy of slavery to be carefully extricated from their roots. We still wear clothes and eat food brought to us by people who are suffering and even dying to get them to us. When that gets overwhelming remember it’s been that way a very long time and you’re still here. No one got it all the way right before and you will not get it all the way right now. This will not likely be solved in your lifetime and you definitely won’t solve this on your own. The more you work on it the more likely you are to attract others you can lean on or learn from or give support to. You’ll find friends you never knew you’d have. Some of those friends will become the kind of found family that sustains you and that you can sustain and create with. You’ll be surrounded by folks who will face things with you and who will remind you that you’re worthy even when you’re not perfect. You won’t have to rely on those who are hurting to make you feel better. You won’t have to rely on anyone thinking you’re good. You’ll be reminded by your own experience that goodness is not a static state, but that the good things you do will build within you a better and better character. And that character will become a small but sturdy brick in the strong foundation the future of this nation can be built on. Work on it. Do better next time -- because there will be a next time. Keep working.
P.F.H.
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device
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