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U.S. Threatens North Korea With Ann Coulter Launch
U.S. Threatens North Korea With Ann Coulter Launch
Rabid pundit deployment could destroy entire Korean peninsula, UN warns
By Andy Borowitz
June 27, 2006 - In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il's plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the U.S. today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea.
President George W. Bush announced the plan to weaponize Coulter in a nationally televised address.
"If North Korea intends to test the most deadly weapon in its arsenal, we will have no alternative but to use the most deadly weapon in ours," Bush said. "And that weapon is Ann Coulter."
Mr. Bush did not indicate how and when Coulter could be fired toward Pyongyang, but most military experts believe that she has already been loaded onto a nuclear submarine and could be launched at any moment.
At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon.
Fears abound that if Coulter were fired toward Pyongyang, she would spew noxious fumes that could lay waste to the entire Korean peninsula and might even destroy Japan and parts of China.
A spokesperson for Coulter today acknowledged that her client had the power to destroy large areas of Asia, but said that she was "stoked" about the mission.
"If destroying Asia will help Ann sell more books, she's up for it," the spokesperson said.
Elsewhere, a new study shows that while a person using a cell phone during a thunderstorm could be struck by lightning, a person using a cell phone during a movie should be struck by lightning.
© 2006 Newsweek, Inc.
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