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ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect
you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took
my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket
for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from
my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine inAfghanistan .. She had just bought me
that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had
picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you
agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...
isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed
since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That
prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us
again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas
station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153
gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was
parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and
keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's
office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my
possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of
these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
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