Joke for today?

[redcrbbr]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

[bloocrab]

[bloocrab]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around
by his wife; so he went
to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed
to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the
way home. He had finished the book by the time he
reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[fishsmith]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts". And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
Broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!"
And they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a
Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a
vendor passed by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

[Fishpart]

>HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>===============================
>
>You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
>you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
>should keep the chips and dip coming.
>-- Alan, age 10
>
>No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
>to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
>out later who you're stuck with.
>-- Kirsten, age 10
>
>
>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
>FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
>
>No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
>married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>
>
>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
>You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
>yelling at the same kids.
>-- Derrick, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
>Both don't want any more kids.
>-- Lori, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
>know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
>long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
>On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
>usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
>--
>Martin, age 10
>
>
>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
>
>I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
>newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
>columns. -- Craig, age 9
>
>
>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
>When they're rich.
>-- Pam, age 7
>
>The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
>mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
>
>The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
>marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
>do.
>-- Howard, age 8
>
>
>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
>I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
>never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
>grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
>
>It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
>someone to clean up after them.
>-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>
>
>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
>There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
>-- Kelvin, age 8
>
>
>And the #1 Favorite is........
>
>HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
>Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
>truck. -- Ricky, age 10

[Mr. Sandman]

A 60 year old women tells her husband she would like to have breast implants.

He responds, "Honey, that is silly, you look fine and you don't need implants".

She persists and says she has always wanted larger breasts and that she thought that he would enjoy them too. They are a little expensive..about $10,000 but we could pay for it over time.

He says, dear, again you look fine and I really don't think you need to spend 10K for implants.

She looks at him and asks again, dear, its something I really want to do...

He says, If you want bigger breasts why don't you just rub a little toilet paper on them.

She replies "What? how is rubbing toilet paper on my tits going to make them big?"

He replies, "Look what it did for your ass!"

[Van]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,


"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
>
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
>
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
>
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
>
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
>
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Katie]

He didn't become a champion jockey by hanging around woods and playing with nuts you know.

[redcrbbr]

Subject: DID YOU KNOW.....


Did you know that?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

[Jenn]

Subject: I'M SORRY




To My Dear Friend
the Dog:




I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break;
the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,
The Cat

[Jenn]

Sorry guys....Blame it in Adam!


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make
Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will
cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history

[mikecc]

Here is a Red Neck House Boat

[mrmacey]

>>
> >>HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> >>She thought General Motors was in the Army.
> >>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> >>She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
> >>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she
> >>wrote
> >>"Scorpio."
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> >>She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> >>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> >>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
> >>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on
> >>Phonics".
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She tripped over a cordless phone.
> >>She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
> >>"Concentrate."
> >>She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
> >>WALK."
> >>She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> >>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>She studied for a blood test.
> >>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> >>She sold the car for gas money.
> >>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> >>When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> >>Left,"
> >>she turned around and went home.
> >>
> >>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >>When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
> >>moved.
> >>She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
> >>She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> >>She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
> >>She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> >>Goes
> >>In Front"
> >>
> >>- Author Unknown
> >
>
>
>

[fishsmith]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding
the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward
his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual
Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that
African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry."
she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Mr. Sandman]

Don't you just love boating?

[redcrbbr]

theres a boat in that pic?????????

[Van]

Nice PIC....

Ok for another joke>>.....

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner. He was upstairs, like all men are when there is work to be done, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl, warmed the contents slightly and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't take any notice of you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Jenn]

Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "what the hell was that
for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The
driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The Mountie
runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up
side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do
that for?" The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The
Passenger says, "huh?" The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the
road you're gonna say, "I wish that a$%#@*& would've tried that s#@% with
me!"

[Mr. Kav]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he
will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[Katie]

Oh my gosh... that is hilarious! lol

[Fish_n_Dive]

FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fishweewee]

Passing this one on. Funny moral.

-WW

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[redcrbbr]

Subject: THE FRENCH



Subject: French jokes doing the rounds today...
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
> > Nobody knows, they have never tried it.
> >
> > The French have just ordered a new national flag.
> > It's a white cross on a white background.
> >
> > Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées?
> > So the Germans could march in the shade.
> >
> > Where do you find 60million French jokes?
> > In France.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
> > squad?
> > A Wonderbra has decent support, and a cup.
> >
> > What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
> > You can make soldiers out of toast.
> >
> > Define confusion.
> > Father's Day in Paris.
> >
> > What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
> > Philippe Flop
> >
> > What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
> > To say 'I surrender' in German.
> >
> > Why was Jesus not born in France?
> > Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
> >
> > A British, American and French soldier were offered a wish each by a
> > genie
> > after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert.
> > The British soldier said: 'I want to be in the Bahamas with a Page 3
> > girl.'
> > The American said: 'I want to be in Hawaii with a hula dancer and a
> > crate of beer.'
> > After they were whisked off, the French soldier thought for a moment and
> > said: 'I wish the Brit and American were here to help me decide.'
> >
> > Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
> > landlord
> > said: 'How did that happen?'
> > The parrot said: 'It all started as a little pimple on my bottom.'
> >
> > Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris?
> > Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.
> >
> > Why do the French eat snails?
> > It gives them speedier reactions.
> >
> > When East and West Germany got back together there were talks to
> > relocate
> > the capital city . . .
> > . . . back to Paris.
> >
> > What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
> > The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
> >
> > In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
> > Commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle, in the line of
> > fire, to
> > retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
> > The officer said: 'I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your
> > life
> > to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.'
> > 'Warehouses?' said the soldier. 'Sacré bleu! I thought you said
> > whorehouses.'
> >

[Katie]

What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..

3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

[Jenn]

DISCLAIMER....yes I am...so I can!

Subject: Ethnic Profiling >

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
> > "I'd like some Polish sausage."
> >
> > The clerk looks at him and says,
> > "Are you Polish?"
> >
> > The guy, clearly offended, says,
> > "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> > something. If I had asked for Italian
> > sausage would you ask me if I was
> > Italian?
> > Or if I had asked for German
> > bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> > German?
> > Or if I asked for a kosher
> > hot dog, would you ask me if I was
> > Jewish?
> >
> > Or if I had asked for a taco,
> > would you ask if I was Mexican?
> > Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
> >
> > The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
> >
> > With deep, self-righteous indignation,
> > the guy says, "Well, all right then,
> > why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
> > because I asked for Polish sausage?"
> >
> > The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot

[Van]

REDNECK FISH TAPE

[Fishpart]

The Clinton Era



After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a
phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[Van]

What to do in a blizzard?

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blond got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her
situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while
a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as
they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot.

[Jimbo]

Subject: Nominated For Quote Of The Year

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by TexasCongressman #^&#^&#^&#^& Armey when asked: "If you had been in PresidentClinton's place, would you have resigned?"Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

[redcrbbr]

Subject: Fw: I love my computer



This is great!

> > > Subject: I love my computer
> > >
> > >
> > > For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way
> > > computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> > >
> > > At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> > > computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
> > > with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
> > > driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
> > >
> > > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release
> > > stating:
> > >
> > > "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving
> > > cars with the following characteristics:
> > >
> > > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> > >
> > > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
> > > buy a new car.
> > >
> > > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
> > > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
> > > windows,
> > > shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could
> > > continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
> > >
> > > 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> > > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
> have
> > > to
> > > reinstall the engine.
> > >
> > > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> > > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run
> > > on only
> > > five percent of the roads.
> > >
> > > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all
> > > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
> > > warning light.
> > >
> > > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> > >
> > > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out
> > > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle,
> > >
> > > turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
> > >
> > > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
> > > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
> in
> > >
> > > the same manner as the old car.
> > >
> > > 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >