Joke for today?

[fishsmith]

Dr. Dave

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality whispering........



."Dave, you're a veterinarian... "

[reelecstasy]

Originally posted by TheSpecialist
Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?

Thats proprietary info
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sarts tester, and I only answer to me
.
.
.
.
shhhh, I am working right now

[Iwannakeeper]

I am sure many of these have been posted...but since the theme has re-occured.

What do you call a smart blonde? Golden Retreiver.

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist


keep em commin'

[TheSpecialist]

NEXT STEP...........

SST here.

[reelecstasy]

CATC.......if ya need me, lemme know, direct access to a tester, bonus

[sportsman]

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist



That's great

[Goose]

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo

What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? Yeah...now he has no ears.

How do you know when a Barbie has her period? All your tic tacks are gone.

How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.

[justplugit]

Good one Karl Reminded me of an oldie but goody.
Paddy had a great time at the local pub one night and bein there was no designated driver decided to chance the drive home. Comin out of the bar he made a wrong turn and drove the wrong way on a one way street.
About half way down the street he gets stopped by the local cop who as he approaches says"Paddy,didn't ya see the arrows? Paddy says, "arrows??, hell i didn't even see the indians".

[FishermanTim]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home
to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her
e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

*****************************

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mail's to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[FishermanTim]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow!" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh**ting all over the bed!"

[JohnR]

Terrorists found at:
Viking Marine Servces
The State Department notified me on October 12th that 4 known terrorists were known to be operating at our facility......
They told me that they had taken into custody
the first 3, but were lookng for the fourth.


Bin Loafin', Bin Sleepin', and Bin Drinkin'
had all been taken into custody, but
the fourth, Bin Workin' was no where to be found.


We urdged workers to keep their eyes open for anyone fitting the description of "Bin Workin"
and report to manangement any findings.


To date we are sorry to report, Bin Workin' is no where to be found........

[MakoMike]

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest
item, pays the $500, and takes the gossamer lingerie home. He presents
it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on; I'll do the modeling
naked, return the gown tomorrow, and pocket the $500 refund for
myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.

[Starfish]

Oh my god!

[fishaholic18]

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

[reelecstasy]

[fishermom]

> A Married Irishman
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
> almost had an affair with another woman."
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I
> stopped."
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not
> to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50
> in the poor box."
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
> to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
> You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according
> to you, that's the same as putting it in.
>
>

[spinncognito]

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Nebe]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the Tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.................... )

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??

[Starfish]

Originally Posted by Eben

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

I resent that comment.
Wicked funny though!

[fishsmith]

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he
saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He
would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing
them.One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he
would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the
road" replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down
the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back
into the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard
a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors
but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he
turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee
fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door"


GO SOX!!!

[kayaman]

not exactly a joke, but................................





If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[The Dad Fisherman]

Why Math is Taught in School (Written by a very wise man)


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

[Nebe]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said,

"You can write with your other hand."

[fishaholic18]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[reelecstasy]

[fishaholic18]

R.I.P. Johnny

[reelecstasy]

%$During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.%$ What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[Flaptail]

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.

.
.
..Well Hung.

[Nebe]

Hey Flap-

have you heard of the new shoes for lesbians???

They're called Dykies........... problem is they were all recalled because the tounges were too short

[In The Surf]

Walking The Dog

A little girl asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk around the block. Mom replies no because because the dog is in heat. What's that mean asks the little girl, mom replies go ask your father I think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says dad can I take Belle for a walk around the block, I asked mom but she said Belle was in heat and to come ask you. He says bring Belle over here, he then soaks a rag in gasoline and rubs it on the dogs backside. He then says she's all set now, make sure to keep her on the leash and only go once around the block. The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised dad asks, where's Belle? The little girl replies, Belle ran out of gas about half way around the block and that another dog was pushing her home!