Joke for today?

[fishaholic18]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.


The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.


The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million

> >replacement Mexicans

[reelecstasy]

One day, in line at the
company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like
crazy. I guess I better see a
doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to
spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at
Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer
will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs
ten dollars... a lot cheaper
than a doctor."



So Joe puts a urine sample
in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten
dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and
waits.



Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout:



"You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."



That evening while thinking
how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer
could be fooled.



He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe
hurried back to Wal-Mart,
eager to check the results.



He deposited ten dollars,
poured in his concoction, and
awaited the results.



The computer then prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart

[The Dad Fisherman]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

[Van]

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!"

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy’s farts say, "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!,” says the dentist, "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . .

"Cant you see…Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

[The Dad Fisherman]

Ughhhh!! That was painfull

[fishaholic18]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats, and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!!!

[fishsmith]

Catholic Boys

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been
with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you,
little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."
And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be
tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a
steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church
mass for three months.Be off with you now." Tommy
walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"