Joke for today?

[STEVE IN MASS]

Mom.....
Damn....you posted that 3 seconds before I did...........

[kayaman]

not exactly a joke, but................................





If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[The Dad Fisherman]

Why Math is Taught in School (Written by a very wise man)


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

[Nebe]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said,

"You can write with your other hand."

[fishaholic18]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[reelecstasy]

[fishaholic18]

R.I.P. Johnny

[Bass Babe]

I got a new car radio yesterday, and it is terrific !!

If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll,

If I say "Rap" it plays Rap Music,

If I say "Love" it plays Love Music.

Three kids ran out in front of the car,

And I said F*&%ing Kids,

And it played Michael Jackson.

[fishsmith]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC

[Nebe]

[Iwannakeeper]

A old lady went to the doctors for an extreme flatulence problem. She is seen by the doctor and she explains "Doctor, I do not know what is wrong. I seem to pass wind nearly constantly. I have pass gas 5 times since you came in the room."

She continues, "the good news is it has no smell and no sound, so I assume no one else can tell, but it is very concerning none the less."

The doctor gives her a thorough examination and tells her to take a prescription for 1 week then return to see him.

A week passes and she is back with the Doctor. She exclaims "Doc, what did you give me. I still pass wind constantly, and it still makes no sound, but the smell is horrible. I nearly gag when I smell it."

The doctor replies 'That good dear, now that we have you sinusus cleared up, lets see what we can do about your hearing."

[fishsmith]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to
fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
piece

of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR

stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Jimbo]

> > > Subject: Sharon at the White House
> > >
> > > Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
> > state dinner. Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and
>have a
> > > truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served
>was matzoh ball soup.
> > > George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells
>an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
> > > The aide says that Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least
>taste
>it.
> > > Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in
>honor
> > of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
> > > retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then
> > > swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really
>likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
> > > "That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do Jews eat any other part
>of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

[missing link]

I was putting my boat in at the ramp and I noitced an old guy crying his eyes out at the dock , I launched the boat and tied up hopped out and asked his if he was ok -- he said it's my 75th birthday and I have a 22yr old girlfriend and a couple of VIAGRA, I said to him what wrong with that you should be clicking your heels - he said I forget where I live.
LINK SR

[justplugit]

An elderly Italiian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette

sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his little remaining strenght

he lifted himself off the bed. Leaning against the wall he painfully made his

way,to the stairs and with even with greater effort he gripped the stair rail

with both hands and crawled downstairs. With labored breath he leaned against the door

against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Where if were not for deaths agony he would

have thought himself already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper

on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette

sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from

his wife of 60 years seeing to it he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great last bit of strength he ended crumpled on nis knees on

the floor near the table. His parched lips parted the wonderous taste of the

cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged

and crippled hand trembled on it's way to the cookie on the edge of the table

when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....

"don't touch
she said,
there for the
funeral".

[Swimmer]

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

She holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

[Van]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more
years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband
cries out:

"Watch that wall!"

[Squibby17]

Two guys are sitting in a bar in Dublin pounding shots of whiskey. After a while they begin to talk and shoot the %$%$%$%$ like old friends.

Guy1 "I grew up just down the road in Dublin on Carnegy way"

Guy2 "oh ya did lad thats funny I grew up on that same street"

Guy1 "oh really I went to West minster class of 1943"

Guy2 "ohh wouldn't You know I went to Westminster class of 1943"

So this goes on and on and they continue to knock back the shots.
Finally the phone rings and the bar tender picks up

Bar tender: "Hello?"

Voice: "ah how ya doing patrick, anything going on down at the pub tonight?"

Bar tender "ah not too much, The Flanagan twins are in again.. there all banged up"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! Why are you rushing to the front?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her A$$ in it."

[fishaholic18]

[Jimbo]

>
>Seniority!!
>
>A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took
>it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
>was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
>
>"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student
>said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew
>up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
>spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and
>hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."
>
>Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the
>"wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we
>were young...so we invented them.. you arrogant little sh-thead!!
>Now.... what are you doing for the next generation??"
>

[sportsman]

The Boss was in a quandary.

He had to fire somebody.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like %$%$%$%$ today."