Joke for today?

[InTheHole]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
> There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
> "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
> The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

[eastendlu]

> A ONE Question Test
>
>
> This test only has one question, but it's a
> very
> important one. By giving
> an honest answer, you will discover where you
> stand morally. The test features
> an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
> which you will have to make
> a decision. Remember your answer needs to be
> honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>
>
>
> THE SITUATION:
> You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all
> around you caused by a
> hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a
> flood
> of biblical proportions.
> You are photo-journalist working for a major
> newspaper, caught in the
> middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
> nearly hopeless. You're trying to
> shoot career-making photos. There are houses
> and
> people swirling around you, some disappearing
> under the water.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE TEST
> Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is
> fighting for her life, trying
> not to be taken down with the debris. You move
> closer and she looks familiar.
> You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At
> the
> same time you notice that
> the raging waters are about to take her under
> forever. You have two
> options:
> You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you
> can shoot a dramatic
> Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
> death of one of the world's
> most powerful women.
>
> ----------------------------------------------
> THE QUESTION:
> Here's the question, and please give an honest
> answer......
>
>
>
> "Would you select high contrast color film, or
> would you go with the classic simplicity of
> black
> and white?"

[justplugit]

Oh my gosh, Lu, computer fell right off my lap.

[eastendlu]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks him for his order.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amou nt of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[eastendlu]

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING )


____________ _________ _________ ________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE becau se
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[eastendlu]

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were
both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own #@*** blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End

[fishbones]

New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[fishaholic18]

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful".
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free hair cut.

And that, folks, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

[eastendlu]

Subject: WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[fishaholic18]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed , said, "You're bull%$%$%$%$tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

[gone fishin]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got> into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about t hat eye patch?' 'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew> over. I looked up, and one of them %$%$%$%$ in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird %$%$%$%$.' 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[2na]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fn' dishes!'

[eastendlu]

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."