Joke for today?

[fishaholic18]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed , said, "You're bull%$%$%$%$tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

[gone fishin]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got> into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about t hat eye patch?' 'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew> over. I looked up, and one of them %$%$%$%$ in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird %$%$%$%$.' 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[2na]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fn' dishes!'