Joke for today?

[missing link]

fishaholic18,,

[NaCl H2O]

Saw this one in the Sun..

A MAN walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill".

The man asks, "What is it?" And doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[FishermanTim]

mixed with chapstick to help you keep a stiff upper lip.

mixed with Visine, making it easy to stare straight ahead.

mixed with a earwax remover, for those who are hard of hearing.

mixed with Purina dog chow, for hunters dogs (pointers)

[fishaholic18]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

[Nebe]

Fishaholic your killin me:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

[BigMike]

What do you call it when you're fishing for bass and you catch one on accident?

[BigMike]

A fluke

[fishaholic18]

Originally posted by Eben
Fishaholic your killin me:


Whats worse than finding clams on your guitar and lobsters on your piano??

finding crabs on your organ

[Nebe]

This one is tasteless:

What's Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder's favorite color??


Courderoy

[BigMike]

booooooo

[missing link]

have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
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.neither has he

[Iwannakeeper]

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"



Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."



The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband"



"Your husband's name is Crisco?"



The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out in public."



"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"



"Lard a$$."

[Iwannakeeper]

Wish I could be this good a sales person The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like #^&#^&#^&#^&!'

Then I would say, "It is #^&#^&#^&#^&. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?"

[fishaholic18]

.: BIG DAY SATURDAY


MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY!!!

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

[fishaholic18]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[Jimbo]

When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her out
to some place expensive.


So I took her to the gas station

[Jimbo]

Not many people know that Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the West he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

[NaCl H2O]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" She shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breath?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no, again.
The hillbilly walks over to her, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives one of her butt cheeks a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His parner says "Ya know, I"d heerd o' that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

[Nebe]

A guy who has lived his entire life in the city decides to drop everything and move up to the mountians of the north country to write a book. he buys a cabin and doesn't see a soul for may... june.... july... august... sept... oct... then thanksgiving rolls around and he's really depressed. About a week into december he gets a knock on the door. he opens it to find a really old hillbilly with a beard down to his knees and looks like he hasn't bathed in about a year. The Hllbilly says "Hi, I'm your neighbor.. i live down the road about about 20 miles from here. I'm having a little chrismas party and I'd like to envite ya." The city guy says, 'Great i'd love to come... what should I expect at this party?" The hillbilly replys...."well, we usually start off with a little drinking, followed up with some heavy drinking... then some drugs. Then there will usually be some fighting, oh there will be lots of fighting... and then sex. Lots of sex". The city guy says- "great! this reminds me of my city days, what should I wear???" the hillbilly guy says-" oh i dont care, its just going to be the 2 of us!"

[fishaholic18]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore. A
helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark .
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with
men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a
harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the
man on board.
Then using autographed Nomar Garciaparra baseball bats, the three
Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I
heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans,
but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
"Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God
and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding
up?"

[Hooked4ever]

[NaCl H2O]

Originally posted by fishaholic18
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just offshore

great joke!

[Jimbo]

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election
that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential
candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough
votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.,
but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to
settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of
the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be
Sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their
catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day,
Kerry returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish.
Soon, George W. returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad day or something
and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and George W.
comes in again with none. That evening, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney gets together
secretly with George W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing.
Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says
to George W., "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin?'"
"He sure is, #^&#^&#^&#^&, he's cutting holes in the ice."

[Van]

TRIP TO HOOTERS:

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every
once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent..
She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

Why not?" the nun asked?

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private
parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and
she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the w! hole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf on the statue islifted up, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?

[Nebe]

Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay

[RIROCKHOUND]

Rolling on the floor laughing!!!!!

[Iwannakeeper]

Originally posted by Eben
Whats the hardest thing about making the switch from surfcasting for striped bass to fly fishing for striped bass????

telling your wife your gay

That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL

[fishaholic18]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry .... there'll be Hell to pay later.

[Nebe]

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
That is absolutely hysterical.........I almost fell out of my chair.

Never had the desire for fly fishing for stripers....now I know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


LOL

Thats an Eben Original... made it up on teh fly as Crafty angler, Throwing Timber and I went Togging the other morning.

[Jimbo]

Don't see how #2 could be true...

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals tha! t can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South CarolinaState anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16