Joke for today?

[sportsman]

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist



That's great

[Goose]

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo

What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? Yeah...now he has no ears.

How do you know when a Barbie has her period? All your tic tacks are gone.

How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.

[FishermanTim]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home
to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her
e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

*****************************

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mail's to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[FishermanTim]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow!" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh**ting all over the bed!"

[JohnR]

Terrorists found at:
Viking Marine Servces
The State Department notified me on October 12th that 4 known terrorists were known to be operating at our facility......
They told me that they had taken into custody
the first 3, but were lookng for the fourth.


Bin Loafin', Bin Sleepin', and Bin Drinkin'
had all been taken into custody, but
the fourth, Bin Workin' was no where to be found.


We urdged workers to keep their eyes open for anyone fitting the description of "Bin Workin"
and report to manangement any findings.


To date we are sorry to report, Bin Workin' is no where to be found........

[MakoMike]

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest
item, pays the $500, and takes the gossamer lingerie home. He presents
it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on; I'll do the modeling
naked, return the gown tomorrow, and pocket the $500 refund for
myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.

[Starfish]

Oh my god!

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Got Ya

[Mr. Sandman]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

[Nebe]

..

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will
you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless
man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to
stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red
light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for
a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important
for her to see what a man looks like after he has
given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Nebe]

hahahahaha!!!!

[vanstaal]

[justplugit]

LMAO, good one Karl, i can picture it happening.

[BW from AZ]

I Miss Bill Clinton




It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.


"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.



Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.



Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!



And, he gets a check from the government every month.

[justplugit]

[HESH2]

Family owned hardware business located in new york city required all family start at bottom and work themselves up the ladder to a better position.the owners youngest son was told to go to all the new england states and take orders and show new products.on driving through maine for 3 hours he has to take a sh*t.he has not passed anyplace to stop.he see a pumpkin patch and pull out a knife,cuts the top off the pumpkin and sits and proceeds to do his business.he put the top back on the pumpkin and after driving down the road for a mile he comes to a gas station general store.after he goes all the way to the candian boarder on his way back he stops at the general store and goes inside.chatting with the clerk he tell him about the pumpkin and then he goes on his way.the clerk cranked up the phone and said vi this is cy that was sh*t in the pumpkin pie.

[fishsmith]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken %$%$%$%$ on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.

9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. (me buck and mo were just talking about this)

And finally.....Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[fishaholic18]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next, fatty."

[Nebe]

Bill Gates vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that :

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:


If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[Squid kids Dad]

f18....lol

[fishaholic18]

Originally Posted by Squid kids Dad

f18....lol

[BW from AZ]

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100%
bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest
selling bumper sticker comes from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

[fishaholic18]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/isabella.asp

[Bishop169]

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

[Bishop169]

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

[Bishop169]

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

[BW from AZ]

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of
Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on
the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to
ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask
one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the
free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew
up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the
blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix
pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
city Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the
blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of
the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any blue Mexicans?"

[gone fishin]

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV:


"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.


It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.


And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me."


Why can't people see how ridiculous this is? Only in America ....if you agree, pass it on (in English) . Share it if you see the value of it as a good smile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds

[The Dad Fisherman]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."