Joke for today?

[BW from AZ]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan,
Utah


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.

[jerseycat9]

Steve and three of his buddies had gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years.One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral procession drives by. As it passes by, Steve lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Steve sits down, puts his hat on and casts out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "Wow Steve,that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by. " Steve replied, " It seems the least I could do seeing as how I was married to the woman for over 40 years!"


One for the ladys
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale

[stripersnipr]

Dear Abby,


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull%$%$%$%$ with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that
I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

*****************************************

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

[Backbeach Jake]

Sam Donaldson, I believe told this one to the then POTUS Ronals Regan before a press conference:

Mr. President, according to a recent study, 60% of all males sing in the shower and 40% masterbate..

Very interesting, Sam. Was the suspicious reply.

Sir, do you know what song that study says those men are singing?

No Sam , I don't.

I didn't think so , sir.

[BW from AZ]

Two Southern Maryland rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off fishin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

[mekcotuit]

The Female Merit/Demerit System......

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system
is set up.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But
return with Beer. (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a
college buddy. (-2)

Named Tina. (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what

looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.
(+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[daceman63]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[teaser]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[justplugit]

Bill and his friend Ned walk into a fast food chain for lunch.
Bill orders and sits down, Ned orders and the counter guy says'"Hey Ned how you doing, then yells out , hey everybody Neds here" They all yell Hi Ned.
Ned sits down ,and Bill says, your a popular guy Ned. Ned says i'm the most popular guy in the world, everybody knows me.

Bill says i bet you $1000 you don't know the President of the United States. Ned says, your on and they fly to Washington and knock on the White House door. The President answers the door and says Hey Ned how you doing, haven't seen you in awhile. They go, play 3 rounds of golf and leave.

Bill says that was luck, bet you $2000 you don't know the Queen of England. Your on says Ned, and they fly to the Palace and knock on the door. The Queen answers and says, Ned it's so good to see you. They have tea with the Queen and leave.

Bill says you know alot of people, but double or nothing i bet you don't know the Pope. Ned says , your on, and off they go to the Vatican. Ned says, look Bill, go down in the yard and i will walk out on the balcony with my arm around the Pope. A crowd had gathered to see the Pope, and sure enough, Ned walks out with his arm around the Pope. Bill faints flat out on the ground.

Ned runs down, revives him and says Bill what happened?
Bill says ,well i was fine till the guy standing next to me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "hey who's that guy with Ned?"

,

[UserRemoved1]

< Things Kids Shouldn't Say >


IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!


A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"


The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A
couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"


The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.


The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

[Nebe]

No joke here... just one funny dude..

[The Dad Fisherman]

Originally Posted by Nebe

No joke here... just one funny dude..

It says I need a password to access....But I laughed anyways so it wouldn't be wasted

[Flaptail]

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
















Well hung.

[2na]

popular.

What's the difference between a lesbian and a whale???












20 lbs and a flannel shirt.

[gone fishin]

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

Weeks later, in court, the tr#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel: "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.
I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

[nightfighter]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' She said, 'Wear sun-block.'"

[fishsmith]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. And while
they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[BW from AZ]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed “Yes” for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed more enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers”.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs on how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. The chiefs explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that is so full of %$%$%$%$ it can no longer fly!!!

(It made me smile. BW)

[johnny ducketts]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk soon turns to their adventures. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg" he asks.
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, " the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off me leg."
"Wow" replied the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Argh, an enemy cut it off with a cutlass during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A Seagull %$%$%$%$ in my eye"!
"You lost your eye to bird %$%$%$%$?", replied the sailor.
"Yar, it was me first day with the hook!"

[2na]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca...We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You Gay ?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

[2na]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

[Katie]

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and asks, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. "

she asks "What the hell is a piñata?!"

[UserRemoved1]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,
and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
...............

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[Nebe]

L ifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
> graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
> Red......................Cherry
> Yellow..............Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange...............Orange
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
> eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
> "Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother
> may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror,
> spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f**king Widow."

[eastendlu]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
>After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
>She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
>spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
>been trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
>true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
>pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
>She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
>frog reading cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[BW from AZ]

I recieved the following email

Subject: July, 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses
claimed that an unidentified object with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch
just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a
well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know that in the month
of March 1948, exactly nine months after that
historic day, George W. Bush, #^&#^&#^&#^& Cheney, Donald
Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh,
Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quyale were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

[justplugit]

A guy goes sky diving for the first time, learns everything there is to know and takes his first jump.
He bails out of the plane, waits a few moments and pulls his chute cord and it doesn't open!!!
He gets panicky and feverishly keeps pulling the cord.
As he is hurtling towards the ground he suddenly remembers his spare chute, pulls the cord and it doesn't open either!!!
He keeps pulling to no avail, looks down, and to his amazement sees a man flying up!

As they pass he yells to the guy," Do you know anything about skydiving???"

The guy yells back, "Nooo, do you know anything about gas stoves???"

[Goose]

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

[eastendlu]