Joke for today?

[fishbones]

Farah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven. As soon as she gets there, God requests a meeting with her. He says "Welcome to heaven, Farah. I've always admired that you brought so much joy to so many people, and because of this, I would like to grant you one wish."





Farah says to God "I want all children to be safe".

[The Dad Fisherman]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Well, what's your name little guy?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

[eastendlu]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men.. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and
then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning, regardless of what time it is.."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister'sexpecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care..'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left
or right, I am amphibious.

[Zeal]

Not really a joke but it gives a good laugh. There is a 73 year old father who lives with his son who is in his mid to late 20s and he just writes down quotes his dad says. Since this is a family friendly site I'll give just the few runner ups of my favorites:

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

"It's just a june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you."

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown toenail. Stop bitching."

[PRBuzz]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[The Dad Fisherman]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known. After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[InTheHole]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

[Notfishinenuf]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books at a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I noticed you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little to be of any use?

"Good question." noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious
way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?

"AH, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question." We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete #^&#^&#^&#^&."







A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'


The proctologist fainted.

[PRBuzz]

THE PRESIDENTIAL QUALIFICATIONS:
In a Purdue University government class, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section..????"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States .
Now we know why.....
And don't forget, "They walk among us!"

I wonder if she was blonde? If yes then I should have posted this under "blonde joke".

Sorry, this is real story not even a joke but I laughed anyway...

[justplugit]

TRYING TO BE NICE

A guy is coming home from work and thinks about his wife and how the only time
he gives her anything is on her Birthday and Christmas.

He's feeling a little generous and decides he will surprise her with a few
gifts.

He stops and gets her candy, then onto the florist to pick up a dozen roses.

As he pulls in front of his house he sees his baseball cap in the backseat and puts
it on sideways to add a little humor.

He knocks on the front door with the candy in his hand and holding the flowers
on his chest.

His wife answers the door takes one look and bursts out
crying and sobbing.

He says, "whats the matter?"

She says "this has been the worst day of my life, the kids have been horrible,
the cellar flooded, my supper burned, and now you come home drunk. "

[The Dad Fisherman]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a #^&#^&#^&#^&ing wall."

[nightfighter]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.



That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Guppy]

This is soooo funny

The Ultimate Wake Up PRANK Compilation - YouTube

back to work

[FishermanTim]

Some were funny, but many were just assinine pranks.
Maybe they should talk to some of the people aftr they ran face first into a wall, or fell on their knees on mouse traps.
A good prank doesn't require dental surgery, a trip to the emergency room, or legal advice regarding property damage lawsuits.

What moron thinks that blowing out someone's eardrums is the perfect way to start the day??? Try having someone do it to you and see how fun it really is.

Let's be real, most of these aren't practical jokes, but rather auditions to be just one more "Jackass" wanna-be!

[mikey99]

What's the fat depressing singer's favorite laptop?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Dell

[The Dad Fisherman]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[WESTPORTMAFIA]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Lmao!
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

[RIJIMMY]

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!

[FishNH]

Originally Posted by RIJIMMY

A man and a woman are childhood sweethearts and finally get married. A couple weeks after the wedding she comes out into the garage and sees him in the boat arranging his tackle. She has a disturbed look on her face so he asks her "whats wrong"? She tells him that since they were married now she thought he would probably sell his boat and fishing gear. He now gets a disturbed look on his face. "Whats wrong" she asks? He says "for a second there you sounded like my ex-wife". She gets all upset and tells him "I did'nt know you had an ex-wife"! He says "I did'nt"!

love it

[Jimbo]

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tellsthe old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was thecleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does"

[The Dad Fisherman]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[detbuch]

[Pete F.]

Originally Posted by The Dad Fisherman

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

That hits too close to home.

[Raider Ronnie]

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

[RIJIMMY]

Originally Posted by Raider Ronnie

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar.....
The bartender asks,

"What will it be, Mr. President?"

HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fishpart]

Joke is on us!!!!!!

[The Dad Fisherman]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
... While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[fishsmith]

Herschel, the Magnificent Jew - Holy Cannoli's posterous
Posted from my iPhone/Mobile device

[Jimbo]

The Sensuous Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…


"Well, go look in the garage..."

[justplugit]

Four elderly ladies are going for a ride.
Elsie is driving and goes through a red light.
Clara sitting in the back seat wants to say something about it but doesn't.
Elsie continues to drive through 3 more red lights and Clara feels the need to warn her.
She says, "Elsie do you know you drove through 4 red lights???
Elsie says, " Am I driving ????? "