Joke for today?

[Van]

The Boots

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "Nobody has ever paid me for my services before. I'm flattered. "

"The woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."

[JohnR]

Very good stuff

MOST PEOPLE get annoyed when salesmen call during dinner. Not at my house. We love it. A call from somebody hawking burial plots or new long-distance service may interrupt the meal, but it also gives us a chance to play Scare the Solicitor, my family's favorite parlor game. The object is to say something so disturbing, so bizarre, to a telemarketer that he'll never call again, maybe even give up phone sales for good. It's harder than it sounds.

"Hi, Mr. Carlson, this is Brandon Mink, from Merrill Lynch." "Hi." (Voice sounds kind of familiar. Do I know this guy?)

"Mr. Carlson, if you have a second, I'd like to talk to you about some important investment opportunities."

"Well, to tell you the truth, Brandon, I can't. I'm kind of busy. I'm having my other leg amputated in the morning. Got to pack for the hospital."

(Pause. Nervous chuckle.) "You're kidding, right?"

"Unfortunately not." (Did he just ask me if I was kidding?) "Had the other one taken off last year. Terrible experience. Just when I was getting used to one prosthesis, they're getting me another. I'm not looking forward to it."

"Wow. Sorry. Well, listen, would you have time to talk when you get out?"

"Actually, Brandon, I'm going out of town after I leave the hospital. Headed up to Minnesota for a couple of months. Going to get some experimental therapy, see if I'll ever walk again. I won't be back till March."

"Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I Could call you then. Will you be at this number?"

Sound callous? Not by the standards of the people who call my house. (Though, to be fair, Brandon from Merrill Lynch did write a follow-up note a few days later. "If your spirits stay high," he wrote in ballpoint at the bottom of the investment pitch, "you'll never be low.")

Just the other night, Sherri from Rollins Protective Services dialed up to see if I wanted to buy some fantastically expensive alarm system. So I told her I was blind.

"Legally blind?" she asked. "Oh, totally blind," I said. "I was young, a chemistry set blew up in my face."

From across the room my wife grimaced, as if to say I was going too far. Which I was, but then so was Sherri.

"Well, we have a model for the visually impaired," Sherri offered hopefully. "It doesn't have Braille, but the buttons are raised. Alarms are especially important for the handicapped." She didn't miss a beat. "If your house caught fire, the alarm would wake you up and the fire department would come and lead you outside."

She almost had me. "I'm not sure," I said, "I have this terrible drinking problem. I don't think I'd wake up even if the alarm went off." "Well," she countered, "the firemen would just carry you out."

Clearly nothing was going to deter this woman. Finally, in a desperate move, I slammed the handset against the wall, made a yelping sound and muttered something about hitting my head on a kitchen cabinet. Got to go, I said.

But she ignored me. "Could I at least come over and show it to you?" she pleaded. "Show it to me?" I harrumphed with what was rapidly becoming real indignation. "I'm blind."

Over the years, I've tried just about every disease and physical deformity I could think of on phone solicitors, the whole gamut from kidney dialysis and advanced melanoma to more esoteric maladies like lupus and Hansen's Disease. When Greenpeace canvassers would show up at our door begging for money, I'd stare at them in bovine incomprehension without saying a word. Taking their clipboard, I'd write, "I am a deaf-mute" in big, scrawly letters and keep staring. Usually, they'd get uncomfortable and leave quickly (though one patient volunteer spent 10 minutes trying to explain acid rain to me in hand gestures).

But all of these were just short-term solutions. What I really needed was something to scare them off for good, some way to get blacklisted by phone salesmen. By the time Citibank called last summer hoping to hook me on a new credit bargain, I thought I had it all figured out.

"Would you like to take advantage of our new Credit Value Plus Voucher Savings Plan today?" the woman asked.

"Of course, I'd love to," I said. "But I don't know if I should. My future's kind of up in the air at this point. I'd better wait to find out what happens with my appeal."

"Your appeal?"

"Yeah, I'm out on bond right now. Maybe you read about it--I killed three people in a drug-related murder spree a couple of years ago. I'm out now trying to beat the charges. And it's expensive. You wouldn't believe what lawyers cost. So I really don't think I should take advantage of the offer till I win my case."

"l know you're innocent," she said perkily.

"I'm not. I definitely did it. But I'll probably get off anyway. This is America."

"Good luck!" she said.

[NaCl H2O]

A pregnant woman from Brooklyn gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma,
asleep for nearly six months.

When she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A
boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Bronx came in and
named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[bloocrab]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass
when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house
again went to the mail box and again
opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly
is!".................

(Are you ready? This is a beauty) ...

My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL"

[bloocrab]

THE TEACHER COMEBACK OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[JohnR]

A blind man, enters a bar, finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[NaCl H2O]

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a guy from Cape Cod walk into a bar. The Texan grabs a
bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle
into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying
Tequila all over everything.

The other patrons at the bar shout "Hey why'd you waste that?!" The Texan
says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle
of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and sips it, then
throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol.

The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste
of a bottle of wine. The New Yorker says, "New York State wine country, we got lots of great
wine there."

The the guy from Cape Cod borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of Harpoon and
downs the whole bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, shoots the
New Yorker and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are
screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!"

The guy from Cape Cod replies, "Well where I come from, we've got lots of
New Yorkers, but I'll be fined unless I recycle this bottle."

[Van]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, "My elbow hurts
like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "there's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes 10
seconds and costs $10."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the store. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in about 2 weeks.

That night while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in the concoction, and awaits the results. The computer ejects a
printout:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[JohnR]

Lets bump up the class of jokes up a notch or two, I don't need my 13 yr old brother asking me too much here when he reads this

*********

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[bloocrab]

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

[bloocrab]

The other day I was in my local auto part store when a lady comes in
and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" Joe the counterman ask.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that
it's
a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" I ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
Joe gave her a note pad and asks if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710.
Joe from behind the counter, was looking at it upside down as she
writes
710...
and he just fall down behind the counter laughing so hysterically.
One of the other guy says, "I think you want an oil cap."
She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I
just
need
one,
and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde, and if you read "710" upside down it reads OIL

[bloocrab]

...WHAT?.... I didn't make that up......I just copied and pasted

[Van]

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here's to achieving 103% !!

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future:

What makes life 100% ??

IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

equals

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then;

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

But;

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However;

B U L L #### = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got . . .
-------------------------------
After you've read this you will find it interesting to note that
A S S K I S S E R = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 5 18 = adds up to 120%.

There's always somebody in the group that is giving 120% isn't there?

[JohnR]

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell, 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltake sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that..."

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Kenneth Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Bernardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' San Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowmen place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.
"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for
each change as a sales event."

[NaCl H2O]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, " Mary, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses."

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[redcrbbr]

this may be posted already???



The Rules.... This time by Men.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[Fishpart]

A few years ago, a friend of mine bought a house in Concord, MA. This house
was old, pre-Revolutionary, maybe 250 years old.
Soon after he bought it, he was rummaging around in the cellar, which was
very primitive, and he unearthed an antique bottle with a cork in it. As he
was admiring it, the bottle slipped out of his hands and shattered on the
flagstones! And this huge genie took shape and said, "You have one wish."
(One wish, mind you.)
My friend was understandably nervous. "Well," he said, "I have this longing
to visit a certain place-this isn't my wish yet. I'm first trying to figure
out the rules-and that place is Hawaii. The stickler is that I get terribly
seasick and I can't bear the thought of flying, so I can't just let you
transport me to Hawaii-I'd never be able to get home!
"So this is what I want, if it's possible: Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can just drive over and drive back."
"Allah be praised!" says the genie. "Do you realize what an undertaking that
would be?! Some of the pylons would have to be more than two miles deep! We'd
have to allow for trans-Pacific shipping and be able to withstand mid-ocean
storms, not to mention all the permits! Isn't there anything else I could do
for you?"
"Let me see," says my friend. "Could you give me the wisdom to understand
women?"
The genie sighed. "What do you want? Two-lane or four-lane?"

[NaCl H2O]

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to
be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin'
through this Big Book to see if the guy
is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes
through the books several times, furrows
his brow, and says to the guy, "You know,
I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed
that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Yeah, there was this one time when I
was drivin' down the highway and I saw
a giant group of Hell's Angels Biker Gang
types assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down
my car to see what was going on, and sure
enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em
torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get
out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang, a huge guy with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running
from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the Hell's Angels Biker Gang
formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face
and smash him over the head with the tire
iron. Then I turn around and yell to the
rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach
you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When
did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

[Van]

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep, I reckon" said the second Texan.
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe again with great relief.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said,

"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

[fishsmith]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 57th birthday.
She spends $10,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm
actually 57," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the
counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 57!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting
for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me feel your boobs. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity
got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 57."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[bloocrab]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his magazine
when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou
written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called."

[Van]

This is not a joke, but a great idea. I'm sure we all know someone who deserves this. Enjoy...


Subject: Classic Anger Management

>
> This is diabolical! ( and yet, strangely satisfying.... )
>
>
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
> day and you just need to
> take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
> you know, take it out
> on someone you don't know.
> I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
> call I had forgotten to
> make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
> answered saying, "Hello?"
>
> I politely said, "This is Bob, could I please speak
> with Robin?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
>
> rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and
> called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
>
> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
> 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a-hole!" and hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down, with the word 'a-hole'
> next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a-hole
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
> Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
> to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
>
> He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
> quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole
>
> So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to
> pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
>
> waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had
> been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later, right after calling the
> first a-hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a-hole too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
>
> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?"
>
> "Yes it is."
>
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
> house and the car's parked right out front."
>
> "What's your name?" I asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
> "I'm home every evening after five."
>
> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>
> "Yes?"
>
> "Don, you're an a-hole
>
> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
> dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
>
> So, I came up with an idea: I called a-hole #1.
>
> "Hello"
>
> "You're an a-hole! (but I didn't hang up.)
>
> "Are you still there?" he asked.
>
> "Yeah," I said.
>
> "Stop calling me," he screamed.
>
> "Make me," I said.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen."
>
> "Yeah, where do you live?"
>
> a-hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow
> house with my black Beemer out front."
>
> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
> had better start saying your prayers."
>
> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole
>
> Then I called a-hole # 2:
>
> "Hello?" he said.
>
> "Hello a-hole, I said.
>
> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
> "You'll what?" I said.
>
> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>
> I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm
> coming over right now."
>
> Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police
> saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
>
> Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war
> going down on West 34th Street.
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
> St. There, I saw two a-holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
>
> Now, I feel better.
>

[JohnR]

That was pretty friekin' hilarious

[Van]

I would love to do that so some people I unfortunately know..

[Van]

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans well

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money


3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[redcrbbr]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast
and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken
the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would
like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins
or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
"really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie?
Maybe you'ld like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says,
"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Katie]

Don't Have a joke but red thats a good one....lol

[fishweewee]

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to seventy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she has a frog in her throat.

[redcrbbr]

ALLIGATOR WARNING
Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[Flaptail]

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.

.
.
..Well Hung.