The Longest Thread in History

[MotoXcowboy]

Q. Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

A. To find a tight seal

[reelecstasy]

Originally Posted by MotoXcowboy

Q. Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

A. To find a tight seal

[AnthonyN]

Subject: Need a laugh?
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM.
Signed,
The Blonde"
She gave the little boy the note, and told him to go straight home and give
the note to his mother.................
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"

[AnthonyN]

new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
> > > > The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a
> > > > rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammerin 95 degree
> > > > heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the
> > > > devil went to see how the man was doing, only to
> > > > find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The
> > > > man explained that the heat and hard labor were very
> > > > similar to those on his beloved farm back in
> > > > Massachusetts
> > > >
> > > > The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120
> > > > degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next
> > > > day, the devil again checked on the new man, and
> > > > found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The
> > > > man explained that it felt like the old days, when he
> > > > had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on
> > > > his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.
> > > >
> > > > At that, the devil told his demon to lower the
> > > > temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40
> > > > mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was
> > > > confident that he would find the man miserable.
> > > > But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,
> > > > twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the
> > > > devil asked him why he was so happy, the man
> > > > answered,
> > > > "Cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the
> > > > Super Bowl!"

[AnthonyN]

Subject: 21st Century Church
>
> The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were
> reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to
replace
> the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled
first."
> The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a
> little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so
I
> supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that
packed
> us to the balcony."
>
> "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
> "Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
> But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!" "I know, I know, my son, but the bishop has
told me that the flashing neon sign "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell",.. HAS TO
GO !!..!

[AnthonyN]

What do women really want?
>
> Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
> monarch of neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have
> killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the
> monarch offered him freedom, as longas he could answer a
> very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
> answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer he would be put to death.
>
> The question: What do women really want?
> Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
> and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since
> it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition
> to have an answer by year's end.
>
> He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
> the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
> jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
> answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch-only
> she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was
> famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to
talk
> to
> the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
> her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of
> the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur
> was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, and only one tooth,
smelled
> like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a
> repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her, and have
> him endure such burden.
>
> Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
> that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
> preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,
> and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
>
> What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
> Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
> that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring
> monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
>
> What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
> between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle, and
> courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and
> generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
>
> The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
> entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
> woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what
> had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
when
> she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed
> self
> half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
>
> Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
> What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day a
> beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of
> his home,
> an old witch? Or would he prefer to have by day a hideous witch, but by
> night a
> beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
>
> What would you do?
>
> What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your
> own choice.
>
>
>
> Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing
> this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he
had
> respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
>
>
>
> What is the moral of this story?
> The moral is: if your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to
get
> ugly!
>
>

[AnthonyN]

> After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness
doesn't
> travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
> curb.
>
> Hey, Mr. Pope.." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not
> seated yourself in this excellent limo?"
> "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at

> the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
>
> "That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd
> never left Calcutta.
>
> "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
>
> Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the
> wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport,
> the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.
>
> "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver,
> but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.
>
> "Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.
>
> The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches,
> but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on
> the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.
>
> The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo
> going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I think the
> guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason."
> "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
> "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
> "Bigger."
> "Governor."
> "Bigger."
> "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
> "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
>
>

[AnthonyN]

"Moral Question"

.This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do....

.
The situation:
You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromise and structures destroyed.
You are a photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are traveling alone,
looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.You can either put down your camera and save him,or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:

Would you use a wide angle lens, or a telephoto?

[AnthonyN]

NOT A JOKE BUT IT MAKES YA THINK..........


WHAT REALLY COUNTS.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was
> > >> a
> > >> cowboy's life, a
> > >> >>life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't
> > >> realize was that it
> > >> >>was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift,
> > >> my
> > >> cab became a
> > >> moving
> > >> >>confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in
> > >> total anonymity,
> > >> >>and told me about their lives. I encountered people
> > >> whose
> > >> lives amazed
> > >> me,
> > >> >>ennobled me, made me laugh and weep. But none touched
> > >> me
> > >> more than a
> > >> >>woman I picked up late one August night.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I was responding to a call from a small brick
> > >> fourplex
> > >> in a quiet part
> > >> >> of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some
> > >> partiers, or
> > >> >>someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a
> > >> worker heading to an
> > >> early
> > >> >> shift at some factory for the industrial part of
> > >> town.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark
> > >> except for a single
> > >> >>light in a ground floor window. Under these
> > >> circumstances,
> > >> many drivers
> > >> would
> > >> >> just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive
> > >> away.
> > >> But I had seen
> > >> >>too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as
> > >> their only means of
> > >> >> transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger,
> > >> I
> > >> always went to
> > >> >>the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my
> > >> assistance, I
> > >> >>reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and
> > >> knocked.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I
> > >> could hear
> > >> >> something being dragged across the floor. After a
> > >> long
> > >> pause, the door
> > >> >>opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She
> > >> was
> > >> wearing a print
> > >> dress
> > >> >> and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like
> > >> somebody out of a 1940s
> > >> >> movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The
> > >> apartment looked as
> > >> >>if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture
> > >> was covered with
> > >> >>sheets.
> > >> >>There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or
> > >> utensils on the
> > >> counters.
> > >> >> In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos
> > >> and
> > >> glassware.
> > >> >>>> "would you carry my bag out to the car?"
> > >> she
> > >> said. I took the
> > >> suitcase
> > >> >> to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She
> > >> took
> > >> my arm and we
> > >> >> walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me
> > >> for my kindness.
> > >> >> "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my
> > >> passengers the way
> > >> >>I would want my mother treated".
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> When we got in the cab, she gave me and address, then
> > >> asked, "Could you
> > >> >> drive through downtown?"
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry.
> > >> I'm
> > >> on my way to a
> > >> >>hospice".
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were
> > >> glistening.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The
> > >> doctor says I
> > >> >> don't have very long."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
> > >> "What
> > >> route would you
> > >> >> like me to take?" I asked.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> For the next two hours, we drove through the city.
> > >> She
> > >> showed me the
> > >> >> building where she had once worked as an elevator
> > >> operator. We drove
> > >> >>through the neighborhood where she and her husband had
> > >> lived when they
> > >> were
> > >> >> newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a
> > >> furniture
> > >> warehouse that
> > >> >> had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing
> > >> as a
> > >> girl. Sometimes
> > >> >> she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular
> > >> building
> > >> or corner and
> > >> >>would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon,
> > >> she
> > >> suddenly said,
> > >> >>"I'm tired. Let's go now."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> We drove in silence to the address she had given me.
> > >> It
> > >> was a low
> > >> >> building, like a small convalescent home, with a
> > >> driveway that passed
> > >> >>under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as
> > >> soon
> > >> as we pulled
> > >> up.
> > >> >>They were solicitous and intent, watching her every
> > >> move.
> > >> They must have
> > >> been
> > >> >> expecting her.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the
> > >> door. The woman
> > >> >> was already seated in a wheelchair.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into
> > >> her
> > >> purse.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "Nothing," I said.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "You have to make a living," she answered.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "There are other passengers," I responded.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.
> > >> She held onto me
> > >> >> tightly.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she
> > >> said. "Thank you."
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning
> > >> light. Behind me,
> > >> >> a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a
> > >> life.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I
> > >> drove aimlessly,
> > >> >> lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could
> > >> hardly talk. What if
> > >> >>that woman
> > >> >> had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient
> > >> to
> > >> end his shift?
> > >> >> What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked
> > >> once, then driven
> > >> >>away?
> > >> >>
> > >> >> On a quick review, I don't think that I have done
> > >> anything more
> > >> >> important in my life. We're conditioned to think
> > >> that
> > >> our lives revolve
> > >> >>around great moments. But great moments often catch us
> > >> unaware-beautifully
> > >>
> > >> >>wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
> > >> >>
> > >> >>
> > >> >> PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR
> > >> WHAT
> > >> YOU SAID, ...BUT
> > >> >>THEY
> > >> >>WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

[AnthonyN]

Subject: The Hormone Hostage

This should apply to every husband. The Hormone Hostage knows that there
are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

[AnthonyN]

double post!

[AnthonyN]

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

[AnthonyN]

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[AnthonyN]

Drunk Asks a Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

[Slipknot]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode
on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they
passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
right,
so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both
would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid
to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the
donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how
awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
as well kiss your ass good-bye.

[Slipknot]

GBOUTDOORS, I like that one about my Patriots.

[Slipknot]

Holy cow, I just noticed I have 1005 posts. I gotta stop flapping the keys.

[AnthonyN]

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[AnthonyN]

Ok thats enough for today I will continue to spam tommorow.

[JohnR]

OK - jokes, that'll burn some ones & zeros...

OK - second oldest joke in the world - 90% of the world has heard it:

What's the last thing to go thru a nugs mind when he hits yer windshield???

[JohnR]

His A$$...

[Tattoo]

There once was a man from Nantucket.......

[redcrbbr]

You should have SEX on days that begin with T:

Thanksgiving,

Tuesday,

Thursday,

Today,

Tomorrow,

Thaturday?

Thunday?

Every Th#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g day!




Sex is:

like Nokia (connecting people)

like Nike (Just do it)

like Pepsi (ask for more)

like Coca Cola (Enjoy)

like me (too good to be true)

[redcrbbr]

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer? None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.
--------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
--------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
--------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
--------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
--------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
--------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
--------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day
he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Mike P]

Someone wanna go clue in bassmaster that we're trying to get a "longest thread in history" going?

[Mike P]

The Dog's Funeral
> >
> > Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
>for
> > company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
>priest and
> > asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
>the poor
> > creature?"
> >
> > Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
>for an
> > animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
>and
> > there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
>for the
> > creature."
> >
> > Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
>enough
> > to donate for the service?"
> >
> > Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
>didn't ya'
> > tell me the dog was Catholic?"
> >

[redcrbbr]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He
could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's
warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a
lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I
substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing to the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

[Mike P]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

16. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their
final exam.

20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

29. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

30. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

31. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that
one enjoys it?

[Mike P]

You know you’re a Rhode Islander when:

1. You really believed that being the home to “The World’s Largest Shore Dinner Hall” gave the state international prestige.

2. Your father was considered to have a “travelling job” if you lived in Pawtucket and he worked in a factory in East Providence.

3. You spent hours debating whether WPRO or WICE was the better station. If you liked WICE, your favorite expression was “PRO rots”.

4. A gourmet seafood dinner was a bowl of steamers, a “stuffie” and “bake stuff shrimp” at Mama Spumonis.

5. You never understood the odd looks you got when you ordered a meatball grinder and a coffee cabinet at the airport in Atlanta.

6. “Please?” is a question, not a polite request.

7. You know deep in your heart that the PC Friars would’ve whipped the butt of that Walton Gang from UCLA in the NCAAs, if only Marvin didn’t tear his knee up in the semis against Memphis State.

8. The seminal historical event in your life was the Blizzard of ’78.

9. You walk into a black tie affair filled with Hollywood celebs and all living ex-Presidents, and the first words you say to your spouse or date are, “Look, there’s Salty Brine!!”

10. You know there’s a place called Chepachet in your state, but you’ve never been there and only marginally know that it’s “up north somewhere”. See also, Little Compton. Except you know that’s somewhere south.

11. There’s only one beach in the Ocean State worth talking about, and that’s Scahbro. Only tourists from Connecticut and western Mass go to Misquamicut.

12. You’ve drunk 3 Awful-Awfuls just to get the 4th one for free.

13. You know deep inside that if Salty was ever on a private jet with the Pope and the President, and it crashed, the next day’s headline in the Journal would read, “SALTY BRINE, TWO OTHERS PERISH IN PLANE CRASH”

14. You remember leaving a Reds’ hockey game at the old Auditorium with your eyes smarting from the cloud of smoke that obscured the ice from the cheap seats by the start of the third period.

15. Christmas meant going to the old Sears on North Main Street just to see the electric train display.

16. Your Easter clothes always came from Shartenberg’s or The Outlet. Boys sometimes got their suits at Saltzman’s.

17. You lost your cherry in the back seat of dad’s 75 Monte Carlo at the Rustic Drive-In.

18. Thanksgiving high school football games. East Providence vs. LaSalle, Cranston East vs. Cranston West, Pilgrim vs. Vets, St Ray’s vs. Tolman, Cumberland vs. Lincoln, etc. How your team did affected the taste of the turkey.

19. When a tourist asked you where a water fountain was, you directed them to Kennedy Plaza or Slater Park.

20. You remember the FEI Club and Busty Russell. As well as the El Morocco.

21. You still are shocked when you learn that Baskin-Robbins doesn’t sell coffee ice cream.

22. You know how to play Hi-Lo-Jack.

23. Your choice of what 6 PM news broadcast to watch turns on who the weather forecaster is.

24. You know the historical significance of Joe Garrahy’s flannel shirt.

25. You think that New Yorkers actually eat orange hot dogs with ground hamburger on top.

26. “Hi Neighbor, Have a ‘Gansett”.

27. No matter how good the game you were playing as a kid was, you had to be home by 5 to watch Salty Brine’s Shack.

28. Your parents booked a hotel room after a wedding in South Kingstown so they didn’t have to drive “all that way” back to Providence—or even Warwick.

29. Your idea of a mixed marriage is when you wed someone from a different parish.

30. You actually wonder why no one from the Pawtucket Times has ever been considered for a Pulitzer Prize.

31. You’ve heard Salty say “No school, Foster-Glouster” at least 1,000 times in your life.

32. The only trucks and heavy equipment you ever saw doing a highway project were from Campanella and Cardi.

33. You know someone whose distant cousin once actually voted Republican. And that was for Chaffee.

34. You’re convinced that the greatest political orator in recorded human history was John O. Pastore.

35. You know that no big-time sports announcer ever called a game as well as George Patrick Duffy or Chris Clark.

36. You bought your suits from Monticello’s as an adult because that was where Ernie D shopped.

37. Your mother still has pictures of JFK and Pope John XXIII on the mantle.

38. You’d actually consider flying in from Alaska to attend your 8th grade class reunion.

39. You’re considered to be a cosmopolitan man of the world because you know how to get to Fenway Park by car.

40. You fail to see the humor in Don Bosquet’s cartoons.

41. You vote for a convicted felon for your mayor because you really believe that “he never stopped caring about Providence”.

42. You know that the greatest event of the 20th century wasn’t landing on the moon, it was the opening of Foxwoods.

43. You buy 5 loaves of bread and 3 gallons of milk, and top off the tank with $2.75 worth of gas the second one little snowflake falls from the sky.

44. You never realized that no one west of New London, or north of Foxboro, had any idea of who Salty Brine is.

45. Your feelings about Bucky Dent depend on whether you live north or south of Providence, and also on whether your last name ends in a vowel.

46. “You can have all those smarty-pants on the Weather Channel, give me Art Lake anytime”.

47. A big part of your life vanished the day they sold Crescent Park.

48. If you live in certain areas of Providence, or in Lincoln, North Providence or Johnston, you remove your hat whenever Sinatra singing “My Way” comes on the radio.

49. You get that smug satisfaction that having a 3 day weekend in August gives you, especially when you know that no one anywhere else celebrates that holiday.

50. When you finally move into that dream house in South County, your mom in Cranston still calls and asks if you and the entire brood want to come up and stay there, “just in case”, anytime they forecast more than a dusting of snow.

[redcrbbr]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she again asks if he would like something "How about a bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins, or maybe a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "Nope, it's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."