Joke for today?

[redcrbbr]

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

[fishaholic18]

Where’s My Car?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out, "I'll be damned, My girlfriend's gone, too!"

[fishermom]

You fishermen might want to pass this along....

As we grow old...our priorities change. So.....the other day I came home
and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you
can do anything you want."



So, I tied her up and went fishing

[Van]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"
=====================

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
=======================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=======================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.

"What does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".
===========================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my new wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly........... where is Larry's bar?"
===========================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
======================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
=========================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
==========================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

[Moose Nuckle]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting
all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest
frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a
circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a
voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut
yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far
end of the ice. Then she started another hole and
once again the voice said,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is
that you, Lord?''

The voice answered,

''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

[Nebe]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba".

[tynan19]

Thanks Eben.

[Van]

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she
wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable!

I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman!

Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with
black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple
across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the
arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers.....

"Here. Iron this."

[Moose Nuckle]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bar tender says, hey we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says, that's kind stupid who would want a drink called Larry.

[Nebe]

Good one karl

[TheRattBoy]

Karl

[tynan19]

That was great

[Nebe]

I heard this one at work today

*disclaimer- This joke does not reflect my views on women





Why do brides wear white at their wedding???

So the dishwasher matches the stove

[Starfish]

Nice one Eben... It was pretty funny even though it was sexist!

[justplugit]

Good one Karl Reminded me of an oldie but goody.
Paddy had a great time at the local pub one night and bein there was no designated driver decided to chance the drive home. Comin out of the bar he made a wrong turn and drove the wrong way on a one way street.
About half way down the street he gets stopped by the local cop who as he approaches says"Paddy,didn't ya see the arrows? Paddy says, "arrows??, hell i didn't even see the indians".

[The Dad Fisherman]

A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank:

Japanese guy: "Yestoday I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one
hunat eighty, why it change?"

Teller (shrugs): "fluctuations."

Japanese guy: "fluc you white guys too!"

[Goose]

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.

[Iwannakeeper]

outstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Starfish]

Clammer is the joke of the day!

[Iwannakeeper]

Originally posted by Starfish
Clammer is the joke of the day!

thats not very nice

[Starfish]

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
thats not very nice

Star _____ isn't very nice either...



You're right, I adjusted them both a little.--Fishpart

[Iwannakeeper]

not nice - that is not what I remember from the fitness room....

she never appeared to be 'not nice' in my opinion

-IWK

[reelecstasy]

A blonde is in the middle of a hay field sitting in a row boat rowing like crazy, obviously not going anywhere....A blonde is driving by in her car and stops, and starts yelling to the girl.. " It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, If I could swim I would come out there and beat your azz..."

[Starfish]

ReelE I really like that blonde joke...never heard that one before...

[TheSpecialist]

Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?

[fishsmith]

Dr. Dave

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality whispering........



."Dave, you're a veterinarian... "

[reelecstasy]

Originally posted by TheSpecialist
Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?

Thats proprietary info
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sarts tester, and I only answer to me
.
.
.
.
shhhh, I am working right now

[Iwannakeeper]

I am sure many of these have been posted...but since the theme has re-occured.

What do you call a smart blonde? Golden Retreiver.

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus standing on a corner and someone drops a $20.......who picks it up? The dumb blonde the other 2 don't exist


keep em commin'

[TheSpecialist]

NEXT STEP...........

SST here.

[reelecstasy]

CATC.......if ya need me, lemme know, direct access to a tester, bonus