Joke for today?

[The Dad Fisherman]

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[InTheHole]

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my fishing poles so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my poles, that I noticed a hairline crack in my favorite rod where the handle meets the graphite butt section. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop where I bought it?

[Van]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[The Dad Fisherman]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me, " he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night, " said the officer.

[redcrbbr]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker, and tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what was that?"

Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, "It was only a bug." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big #^&#^&#^&#^&, didn't it !

[The Dad Fisherman]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[Bocephus]

The Italian says 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, 'That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling

[The Dad Fisherman]

That Rocks...

[Mad Hatter]

A woman walks into a pharmacy on a hot summer day. She raises champion showdogs and one has developed an ingrown hair in it's ear days before a big show. The vet tells her to get a hair remover and gently apply it to the area. She asks the pharmacist for hair removal cream and as he is handing it over the counter he says "Might want to wear shorts so long pants don't irritate your legs after applying". She tells him it's not for her legs. "Then you probably want to wear long sleeves to keep your arms out of the hot sun". Nope, she replies, not for my arms. "Well then, what the heck is it for?" asks the pharmacist...
The woman replies "it's for my Schnauzer". He hands it across the counter and advises "don't ride a bicycle for two weeks!"

[Mad Hatter]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, this guy is driving in Nome in a snow storm, when his front wheels lock and he skids off the road into a snowbank. Dazed, he walks to the nearest building, a bar, and stumbles in, cut and greasy. "My wheels froze up and I went into a ditch" he announces. Bartender says "jeez, you blow a seal?" Guy says "Nah, thats just a little frost on my mustache!"

[Bishop169]

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'



An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of y ears. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want any thing while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream wi th strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stare s at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys ar e out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days late r, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .. . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Mad Hatter]

A tourist gets lost on the backroads of Vermont. He pulls up to a farmhouse to get directions, and on his way up the walk he notices a 500 lb pig in a pen in the back. Not real unusual in the north country, except this porker has a wooden leg. The farmer answers the door and gives directions back to Route 89. As he turns to leave, the tourist says "What's the deal with that pig back there?"
"Oh, Flossie?" the farmer replies, "That's one damn fine pig! You know last fall when I was plowin over the winter wheat, the tractor flipped and pinned me under it while the missus was away. Flossie jumped the pen, got her snout under the tractor and forced it up so I could pull myself out. She went inside and dailed 911 with her snout and the EMTs showed up!" "Then this summer we had an electical fire in the middle of the nigh and smoke woulda got us, but Flossie crashed through the pen, broke down the back door and dragged both of us out to safety!"
"Wow. That is amazing", said the tourist - "but what about the wooden leg?"
"Hell", said the farmer, "A great pig like that - you don't eat em all at one time!"

[ProfessorM]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#*k your brains out, and suck your t%ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[The Dad Fisherman]

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz

[The Dad Fisherman]

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"

Jack’s father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.' So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.

"Hmmm," Jack said in reply. He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.

So on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me..."

Jack replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"

As she requested, he tried them. "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.

Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[The Dad Fisherman]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each
Other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
'Do you know who I am?'


The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.


'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.


'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone..


'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.


'Nope,' said the old man..


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[Raven]

Global warming ! where

[The Dad Fisherman]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Do you hear me? You’re cooking TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my God! WHERE are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! For Pete sake USE THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[FishermanTim]

A TEN-DOLLAR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. - $2.00
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Magazine - $3.00
3.. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and the magazine. - $5.00
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls--don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.'
'Cooter '

[FishermanTim]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, & that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

[FishermanTim]

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

[FishermanTim]

A grizzled old surfcaster and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that surfcasters are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the old geezer would like to play a fun game.
The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the surfcaster's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The old fisherman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the surfcaster's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the sleepy fisherman and hands him $500. The old man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the fisherman up and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The grizzled old surfcaster reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[redcrbbr]

The Lone Ranger
was ambushed and captured
by
an enemy Indian War Party.





The Indian
Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU
are the great Lone Ranger" ..





"In
honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU
will be executed in three days."


"Before
I kill you, I grant you three
requests"

"What
is your FIRST request
???'

The Lone Ranger
responds,

"I'd
like to speak to my horse."



The
Chief nods and Silver is brought

before
the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops
away.

Later that evening, Silver
returns with

a
beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As
the Indian Chief watches,

the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and
spends the night.


The
next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's
impressed..
"You
have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I
will still kill you
in two days."

"What
is your SECOND request
???"


The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to
his horse.

Silver
is brought to

him,

and
he again whispers in the horse's
ear.

As before,
Silver takes off and disappears

over
the horizon.

Later that evening, to
the Chief's surprise,

Silver again
returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette,
more attractive

than
the blonde.



She
enters the Lone Rangers tent

and
spends the night.


The
following morning the Indian Chief

is
again impressed.

"You
are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But
I will still kill
you tomorrow."



"What
is your LAST request ???"



The
Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to
my horse, ....
alone."

The Chief
is curious, but he
agrees,

and
Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's
tent.




Once they're
alone,

the
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks
him square in the eye and says,



Listen
Very Carefully !!!!

FOR...
THE... LAST... TIME...


I
SAID ...





"BRING POSSE"

[eastendlu]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[eastendlu]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

[The Dad Fisherman]

The FBI, ARMY and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The judge decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and whoever catches it first wins.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The Army goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[Raven]

[Mad Hatter]

So I call home and my brother picks up the phone. We're making small talk when I ask about the cat. "How's Boots?" "Oh", he replies, "Boots is dead".
"WHAT?", I scream. "Yeah, mom took down the screens to vacuum them and Boots got out on the roof and fell and died"...."How can you be so insensitive?!" I yelled. "Well, what do you want me to say?" he replies. "You could soften it up a little and say something like the window was open and Boots got curious about a squirrel and went out on the roof too far for us to coax her back in. She ended up in the oak tree and I grabbed the ladder but she was a little too high, so we called the fire department and a hook and ladder truck arrived but as they were extending the ladder Boots slipped and fell to the ground. Despite heroic measures they couldn't revive her." "I guess you're right", said my brother, "Next time I'll try to be a little more sensitive". I changed the subject - "So how's Mom?" My brother says "Well, she climbed out on the roof...."

[gone fishin]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you're
there, and you have to answer what's wrong in front of others, and sometimes
it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what's wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it:
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'
'There's something wrong with my #^&#^&#^&#^&, 'he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you. 'the old man
said.
The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,' Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear. 'he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it. 'he replied..
The waiting room erupted into laughter.

[fishbones]

New Ice Cream


In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road . "

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.