Joke for today?

[RIROCKHOUND]

Two cows in England are talking
The first cow says "THis mad cow disease is pretty scare huh?
Cow 2 "Not for me"
Cow 1 "Why not"
Cow 2: cause I'm not a cow stupid, I'm a helocopter....
'hound

[Van]

The Southern preacher rose with an angry red
face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. "This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this".
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[Moose Nuckle]

Whats a 747 and a bleached blonde have in common !

They both have black boxes!!

[MrsSFrances]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students ... here is something to contemplate.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wishing He’d stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THIS STORY:

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our home, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR PARENTS:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

[MrsSFrances]

Things to do at Wal-Mart


15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your significant other is taking their
sweet time:


Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when They
aren't looking.


Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.


Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares,...and see what happens.


Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

Go into the gun department and ask to look at a rifle and then ask the clerk where the anti-depressents are.


Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.


When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?


Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick Your nose.



Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme From
'Mission Impossible'.


In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using Different size
funnels.


Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK
ME!"


When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the position and
scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"


And last but not least: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then Yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."


Something my husband would do

[chris L]

ive done a couple of them . like putting things in others carriages ( not condoms ) . moving other people carriages to other aisles when they are not paying attention . settin alrm clocks to off at the same time a few minutes after Ive left . I used to put things in my jacket when I know Im being watched then discard it when security isnt looking . then when I leave and the store detective comes up and wants to see me back in the store I have no merchandise on me . I have even had to show them where I stashed it to prove I didnt leave the store with anything . they dont think thats funny at all . "I should arrest you" . "why I didnt remove anything from the store" !
next time Im allowed to go to a store Ill have to try that .
I really like the last one " theres no toilet paper in here" .

[Goose]

What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jack-sin?
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get outa my sun

[chris L]

lol Goose !

[fishaholic18]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......

"Make 'em all ugly again".

[Mr. Sandman]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the Yukon wilderness, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.... Having a New Years Party Friday night..... Thought you might like to come by. About 5:00....."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

Sam says, "Well I get along pretty good with most people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns back from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to this party idea even more. "I've been all alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us."

[Nebe]

Thats a good one.... reminds me of the night I met fishweewee

[fishaholic18]

Think about this:

A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is = 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health &Human Services)

Then think about this:

A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

[NaCl H2O]

God's Country

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Bronco's bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hot line to GOD.

John asked the coach if he could use it and the coach said: "Sure,
but it will cost you $100."
Madden scratched his head and then said: "What the heck, I need somehelp picking the games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.

Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota when henoticed the same kind of phone near the Viking bench. He asked Coach Tice, what the phone was for and Tice said: "It's a hot line to GOD and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100."

Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Once again Madden was perfect.

The next weekend Madden was in Foxboro at Gillette Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Patriot's bench. He asked Coach Belichek if it was a hot line to GOD. Bill said, "Yes it is; do you want to use it? It will cost you 35 cents."

Madden looked at Coach Belichek and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Minnesota to use the same phone! Why in Foxboro do they only charge 35 cents?"

Belichek looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Foxboro, it's a local call."

[redcrbbr]

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with
a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Jimbo]

Redcrbbr, this is great. My 14 year old informed me recently that her friend set her up on a blind date with a 17 year old kid. I said, you will never go on a date unless I meet the kid first, besides the fact that you're too young to go on a date with an older kid right now unless it's in my livingroom watching Bambi on DVD. This joke should hit home!

[The Dad Fisherman]

That absolutely Rocked......My Daughters only 7 but I can't wait to make my her dates Wet Their Pants!!

[fishaholic18]

[Van]

1

[Van]

2)

[Jimbo]

Thought some of you might appreciate this one:

[Van]

Worlds biggest woman..

What would it cost to support this gal??

[The Dad Fisherman]

That just looks like a WHOLE lot of fun there.



Jump Free Willy , Jump as High as you can

[chris L]

some real strong heels ! and a milking machine .

[Van]

Girl meets Chris L

NOW CHRIS,,, I WARNED YOU ONCE LITTLE MAN !!!!!!!!
BEHAVE OR ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

And what exactly is he looking at ?????

[macojoe]

A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice.
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his
camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the
glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!

A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller
Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9
Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have
so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones
twice."

[The Dad Fisherman]

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box

Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."

God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"

[macojoe]

Employee: Boss, I can't come in to work today.



Boss: Why, what's wrong?



Employee: I've been diagnosed with Anal Glaucoma.



Boss: What's anal Glaucoma?



Employee: It means I can't see my ass coming in to work today

[BigFish]

I love it....good one Macojoe.

[The Dad Fisherman]

1. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater

2. Your favorite adjective is "wicked"

3. You remember when the "Fleet Center" was "The Boston Garden" and refuse to refer to it as anything BUT "the Garden"

4. Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie)

5. You go to the "packy" not the "liquor store"

6. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.

7. Know how to claim your space on the T. Know what the T is.

8. You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round

9. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King

10. You know how to pronounce Worcester, Peabody, and Cotuit

11. You know where the Combat Zone used to be and still avoid that area

12. You don't eat dinner; you eat "suppa"

13. Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, etc. are not called "soda", they are "tonic"

14. You order iced coffee in January

15. You can curse in Italian...only you don't say "curse" you say "swear"

16. You don't understand the purpose of a crosswalk and therefore refuse to use them, even outside of Boston

17. You know what candlepin bowling is

18. You know about Evacuation Day

19. You have tried to drive the measured mile in less than 45 seconds.

20. You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

21. The whole 'Big Dig' mess drives you nuts unless you are spooning it from Brighams. You know what Brighams is and it shows.

22. You've used the statement "not fa nuthin" in conversation.

23. You serve bread with every meal.

24. You feel compelled to hear at least one weather report a day.

25. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

26. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.

27. Those "things" you put on your ice cream are "jimmies", not "sprinkles"!

[Mr. Sandman]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, eminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter eturns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"