Joke for today?

[bloocrab]

Jesus's Ethnicity ~


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.


Amen

[Fishpart]

Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (long version)


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.......

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the
state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your grandma falls over in the back of your pickup while your making a turn
because the folding chair wasn't secured to the truck bed.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
came in."
You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor
to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your
car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You picked your false teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your family tree does not branch.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge- clearance
restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time call..."
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four-letter words have two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You own a three-pound belt buckle.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet
paper.

[redcrbbr]

> A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
> quarter.
> Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
> realizes
> the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
> help.
> A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
> suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
> sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
> puts
> her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places
> it
> on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way
> unhurried,
> across the market.
> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
> and
> starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
> few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which
> the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
> hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
> bar without
> saying a word.
> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects
> the
> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
> never
> seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a
> doctor?"
>
> "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
>

[Scotch Bonnet]

My brother-in-law married a divorce attorney. He's now HALF the man he used to be.

[bloocrab]

Adam and Eve

After spending time with Eve,
Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.





Adam began to ask questions about her.


Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord,
and I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

[JohnR]

Proof that Vodka is good for your brain:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface#^&including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

[NaCl H2O]

I'm no golfer but I thought this was good....


One day this guy was out playing a round of golf with his wife.
He was not having a very good day. On the third hole he tees
off, the ball slices way to the right, bounces off a tree and
lands in the rough behind a barn.

As he is standing there scratching his head, trying to think of
what to do, his wife says "I have an idea! Why not open the
doors on both sides of the barn; that way you can hit the ball
straight through the barn and you'll be back on the fairway
without having to take a penalty stroke."

Sounds like a good idea.

So he opens the barn doors, lines up and swings at the ball.
The ball flies up, richochets off the rafters of the barn, hits
his wife in the head and kills her.

Ten years later he is out playing golf again, this time with his
new wife, and he does the same thing; bounces the ball off a
tree and into the rough behind the same barn.

His new wife says "Why don't you open the barn doors and hit the
ball right through?"

"Nah," said the golfer, "last time I tried that something
terrible happened."

"What was that?" said the wife.

"I shot a double bogey."

[Van]

>A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem
>and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam
>the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis
>were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he
>could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that
>might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.
>
>The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's
>trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The
>thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was
>just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would
>be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to
>go for it.
>
>A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use
>his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic
>evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
>restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a
>stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being
>extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and
>immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the
>table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was
>stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said:
>
>"That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
>
>With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure
>if I can fit another roll up my ass."
>

[redcrbbr]

Subject: Date rape drug for men




Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by
females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost
anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units
of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered helpless against this approach. After several"beers" men
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
ever town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

[redcrbbr]

From the Maine Department Of Tourism

Maine seems to be on everyone's vacation wish list. Hence the slogan on
Maine license plates, "Vacationland." This list of rules will be handed to
each person entering the state. Vehicles with New Jersey, New York and
Connecticut plates will receive two copies:

1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work
before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it.
Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your
butt kicked...by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time!

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar
and a long spoon.

9. If you bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really
want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and they are cows. That's what they smell like. Get
used to it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 & the Maine Turnpike go two
ways....get in the Southbound Lane!

15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season.
They are religious holidays. You can go get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish.

18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red
chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains, NY.


Welcome to Maine - The Way Life Should Be

[maine/rifisherman]

A blonde woman was driving down the road when she saw another blonde in the middle of a corn field in a row boat rowing for all she was worth,so she slammed on the breaks and got out of her car. She yelled to the blonde in the boat saying" its stupid blondes like you who give the rest of us a bad name!!!!!!!! and if i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ass".........................

[Mal Greene]

How are blondes and turtles alike.........

If they get flipped over on their backs they're scr
ewed.........


(2) A blonde goes into a department store, walks up to a clerk and asks to see about the colored t.v. on the display case. The clerk looks at her and syas " lady we don't serve blondes here." Enraged the woman goes home, dyes her hair brown and goes back to the store. She goes to the same clerk and demands to see the colored t.v. . The clerk looks at her and says"Lady I told you before we don't serve blondes here."

Now the woman is really ticked off and says to the clerk,"Look at me I'm not Blonde!", the clerk assures her that she is blonde and only dyed hewr hair. The blonde says,"How did you know I was a blonde?" The clerk responds,"well, first off that's a microwave oven..........

[maine/rifisherman]

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks. The first blonde says "wow look at the deer tracks."
the second blonde says "those arent deer tracks there moose tracks"..........they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why dont blondes make cool aid? ..............they cant fit 2 and a half quarts of water in that little packet.

[NaCl H2O]

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Central
Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving
a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have
a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These
are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the
lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment,
and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT
to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by
and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the guy and said,"Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game
warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked....

[Van]

A blonde approaches a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank, So she yells to her "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
To which the second blonde replies, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"

[maine/rifisherman]

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and
the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here
is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

[JohnR]

Just when you thought you knew everything...

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* The three most valuable brand names! on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

* Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

And, the best for last.....

* Turtles can breathe through their butts.

[JohnR]

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, " What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, ''Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to
work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, " No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[STEVE IN MASS]

Lesson nine:

An engineer was fishing on the beach. A guy came by in a hot air balloon, obviously having trouble. The fishing engineer shouted up to him "What's the problem?"

The guy shouts back "My compass is broken...I'm lost....do you have any idea where I am?"

The engineer shouts back, "Yes you are at 53 degrees north lattitude and 78 degrees west longitude!"

The man shouts back "You must be an engineer!"

"Why is that?", the fisherman asks.

"Because I ask you a question to help me out, and you give me an answer that doesn't help me at all! If it wasn't for guys like you, I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place."

The fisherman yelled back "And you must be a manager.....you get yourself in trouble, come to me to bail you out, and when I do, you then blame me for your problem!"

[Van]

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with
the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish,
you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied
the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law
against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with
that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[Van]

> A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
> rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it..
> Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
> said, "Well that's great, just great.....some arsewhol's got my pen."
>

[Homerun04]

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What do the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

[Homerun04]

Q: Why can a head never be 12" long?
.
.
.
A: Cause then it would be a foot.


Q: What did the pony say when he coughed?
.
.
.
.
A: Sorry, I'm a little hoarse (horse).


My kids love these two....

[Scotch Bonnet]

Where do cows go on dates?.................To the mooooooovies. Alright, alright its funny when he says it. Then he's got this whole schpeel of Knock-Knock jokes that make absolutely no sense, but make him pi$$ his pants every time he tells them. Man I wish I was 4 again..........

[Scotch Bonnet]

These two fishermen were standing on a bridge bottom fishing for stripers, when one of them gets a solid take. The fisherman sets the hook and imediately he knows its a big fish. As the man is fighting this large bass he notices a funeral procession coming tword the bridge. As the cars get closer he reaches for his knife, cuts the line, puts down his pole, and places his hand on his heart. The other fisherman is amazed and says ''thats the most beautiful and touching thing I have ever witnessed". The first fisherman replies "well, I was married to her for 35 years".

[redcrbbr]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:


1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.

2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.

8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

12.) Crying is blackmail.

13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just SAY it!

14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.

22.) Check your oil.

23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.

31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing"; we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping out!

[redcrbbr]

Subject: New viruses



Beware of:

THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus ... (Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus ... (Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus ... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus ... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE LEWINSKY virus ... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus ... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus ... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus ... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus ... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus ... (Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus ... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus ... (Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus ... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

and last, but not least ...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus ... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

[NaCl H2O]

A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the
proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.

"Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow
like me to sell alcohol to a nun?" was the reply.

The woman leaned over the counter and whispered
conspiratorially, "It's really for the Mother Superior's
constipation."

The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to
her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition
that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.

An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside,
only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench, roaring
drunk.

"Sister," he said angrily, "you know I only sold you that
whiskey because it was to ease Mother Superior's constipation."

"It ish," slurred the nun. "When she sees me, she'll
sh*t."

[redcrbbr]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle
of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened
to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately
starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With
all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have
you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[NaCl H2O]

Originally posted by redcrbbr
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant.

hahaha... great joke...



>THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
>
>
>
> >From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport,
>
>comes a True story from TEXAS.
>
>
>
>Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
>
>Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
>
>Intoxicated that he could barely walk.
>
>
>
>The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer
quietly observing.
>
>
>
>After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
>
>vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
>
>
>
>He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
>
>
>
>Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
>
>(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off,
>
>tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
>
>
>
>He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
>
>reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patrons left in their vehicles.
>
>
>
>At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
>
>the street.
>
>
>
>The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
>
>now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
>
>promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
>
>
>
>To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all.
>
>
>
>Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
>
>Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
>
>
>"I doubt it," said the man, " Tonight I'm the designated decoy....".
>
>
>