Losing a close friend is never easy. Time heals your wounds a little bit, but speaking from experience the pain never goes away. There is a good book called "why bad things happen to good people" - forget who wrote it - read it back in early 80s.
Don't make any "big" decisions right now - wait a yr or so before you decide to do it. This can translate into quiting your job, leaving your family, or whatever. People don't think rationally for a while so it is just a warning.
You will go thru phases of anger, hate, fear, pain & just about every other imaginable emotion. Don't let the guilt part ruin your life.
Some times people find "God" during an emotional experience like this. You will come to some road like that and then you chose the path you go down.
There is one given in life: we will ALL eventually die. Everything else in between is extra.
We get sometimes hung up & bent out of shape about little things in life. Life is what we want it to be. If we want to be happy we can be happy. If we want to be miserable we will be miserable.
Look at the positive aspects of his life and your friendship. Your memories will last forever in your heart. He died only in body not in spirit. I gave up fishing for over a decade because I was angry at life. Eventually I went back to doing the things I enjoyed. I pushed people away and didn't want to talk about it.
It harbors inside of you and eats away at your soul - don't do that. TALK to some one - any one about it. More you talk about it the better you will feel.
Sorry for your loss. Prayers for all.
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