Joke for today?

[Backbeach Jake]

Sam Donaldson, I believe told this one to the then POTUS Ronals Regan before a press conference:

Mr. President, according to a recent study, 60% of all males sing in the shower and 40% masterbate..

Very interesting, Sam. Was the suspicious reply.

Sir, do you know what song that study says those men are singing?

No Sam , I don't.

I didn't think so , sir.

[BW from AZ]

Two Southern Maryland rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off fishin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

[mekcotuit]

The Female Merit/Demerit System......

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system
is set up.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But
return with Beer. (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a
college buddy. (-2)

Named Tina. (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what

looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.
(+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[daceman63]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[teaser]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[justplugit]

Bill and his friend Ned walk into a fast food chain for lunch.
Bill orders and sits down, Ned orders and the counter guy says'"Hey Ned how you doing, then yells out , hey everybody Neds here" They all yell Hi Ned.
Ned sits down ,and Bill says, your a popular guy Ned. Ned says i'm the most popular guy in the world, everybody knows me.

Bill says i bet you $1000 you don't know the President of the United States. Ned says, your on and they fly to Washington and knock on the White House door. The President answers the door and says Hey Ned how you doing, haven't seen you in awhile. They go, play 3 rounds of golf and leave.

Bill says that was luck, bet you $2000 you don't know the Queen of England. Your on says Ned, and they fly to the Palace and knock on the door. The Queen answers and says, Ned it's so good to see you. They have tea with the Queen and leave.

Bill says you know alot of people, but double or nothing i bet you don't know the Pope. Ned says , your on, and off they go to the Vatican. Ned says, look Bill, go down in the yard and i will walk out on the balcony with my arm around the Pope. A crowd had gathered to see the Pope, and sure enough, Ned walks out with his arm around the Pope. Bill faints flat out on the ground.

Ned runs down, revives him and says Bill what happened?
Bill says ,well i was fine till the guy standing next to me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "hey who's that guy with Ned?"

,

[gone fishin]

Ok - you have to try this one -
Take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else,it's too
funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps," above the search bar...
3. click on "get directions"
4. type " New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type " Paris" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
6. scroll down to step #23

[UserRemoved1]

< Things Kids Shouldn't Say >


IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!


A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"


The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A
couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"


The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.The mother gave him
a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep, beep.


The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

[Nebe]

No joke here... just one funny dude..

[The Dad Fisherman]

Originally Posted by Nebe

No joke here... just one funny dude..

It says I need a password to access....But I laughed anyways so it wouldn't be wasted

[Flaptail]

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
















Well hung.

[2na]

popular.

What's the difference between a lesbian and a whale???












20 lbs and a flannel shirt.

[gone fishin]

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

Weeks later, in court, the tr#^&#^&#^&#^&#^&g company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel: "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.
I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

[nightfighter]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' She said, 'Wear sun-block.'"

[fishsmith]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. And while
they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he'd just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[BW from AZ]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed “Yes” for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed more enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers”.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs on how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. The chiefs explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that is so full of %$%$%$%$ it can no longer fly!!!

(It made me smile. BW)

[johnny ducketts]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk soon turns to their adventures. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg" he asks.
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, " the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off me leg."
"Wow" replied the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Argh, an enemy cut it off with a cutlass during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A Seagull %$%$%$%$ in my eye"!
"You lost your eye to bird %$%$%$%$?", replied the sailor.
"Yar, it was me first day with the hook!"

[2na]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca...We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You Gay ?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

[fishaholic18]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/isabella.asp

[Bishop169]

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

[Bishop169]

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

[Bishop169]

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

[Bishop169]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

[fishaholic18]

> Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
> him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
> driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
> The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of
> hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
> gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
Claudia
> put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She
> opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Chuck is not yet well enough
> to have visitors.

[HighTide]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length o f the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

[2na]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

[2boxers]

Never Ask a Gunny!!!

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no F%&%&%&% ears."

[spinncognito]

QUESTION:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.







ANSWER





This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is injured
and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys
to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the box."


HOWEVER,

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers!

[eastendlu]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says,” I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says,"No, I am from Africa!!

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

[Katie]

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and asks, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. "

she asks "What the hell is a piñata?!"