Joke for today?

[fishbones]

New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[InTheHole]

90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As
he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
bang, bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do yo u think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[spinncognito]

Touching Story of Love and Marriage

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[eastendlu]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

[Gunpowder]

Funny stuff eastendlu

[InTheHole]

Three Southern Boys
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup,his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm. Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. 'The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba. 'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell? ''Well, Bubba had two a$$holes. ''What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a$$holes.'

[mosholu]

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden this year.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

[InTheHole]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after , another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

[fishaholic18]

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellentjob and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Bubba returns her blankcheck.

'Dere's no cha rge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a'thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was broughtin shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive bluesuit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

[fishaholic18]

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Fort Pierce, school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and
also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from j im today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea
direathe the %$%$%$%$s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his
boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to g o Christmas shopping because i don't
know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was
sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

[BW from AZ]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[gone fishin]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination
man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him Down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."

("Chalk up one for the Blonde!" . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.)

[gone fishin]

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.
A while later he comes across another tennis ball. He puts that in his other pocket. He resumes his jog and meets up with a friend also out for the exercise ,
and they carry on together.
After a while his friend says "What are those lumps in your shorts?
" tennis balls" he replies.
"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had tennis elbow, and that was bad enough..."

[fishaholic18]

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful".
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free hair cut.

And that, folks, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

[eastendlu]

Subject: WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Eliot]

I've waited 9 minutes for the letter "S" to appear in my non scrolling hand.

Did I miss part of the directions??????

[fishaholic18]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy, wide-eyed , said, "You're bull%$%$%$%$tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

[gone fishin]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'Well,' said the pirate, 'We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

The bartender replied, 'Well, OK,, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' The pirate explained, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got> into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about t hat eye patch?' 'Oh,' said the pirate, 'One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew> over. I looked up, and one of them %$%$%$%$ in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender. 'You couldn't lose an eye just from bird %$%$%$%$.' 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[2na]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the fn' dishes!'

[eastendlu]

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[Katie]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At thebeginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took adrink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”. and finally…

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[eastendlu]

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.





In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosu re. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[fishaholic18]

SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[eastendlu]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.



Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."



Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."



John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."





I'm voting for the Pilot

[2na]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What is wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

[InTheHole]

A Jewish congregation in suburban Massapequa Park honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on
the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, 'Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra
that the President of the Temple arranged for you.'

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of
the Temple and shouts, 'Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your
respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry
with you and you have not heard the end of this.'

At Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi
turns to her and asks, 'Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.'

[mekcotuit]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[BigFish]

Mary Ellen....now thats funny!

[gone fishin]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by an assisted living facility.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a touch unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same assisted living facility with the
same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity and perhaps a bit of
concern got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the
Assisted Living Facility Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes. They're having a yard
sale.'

[spinncognito]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

"Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.

Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.

"Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"