Joke for today?

[Jimbo]

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. (I like
it!)

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

[Van]

This is how a blonde prints e-mail.....

[JohnR]

Only Your Bartender Knows.......



The Meanings Behind What People Drink

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

[JohnR]

Ahhh what the hell, here is another:

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq - by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq

__________________________________________________ _____

The Saddam and George show

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met

Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for President Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

[Katie]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHEN...
1: You wake up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and you stop and check your e-mail on the way through.
2: You get a tattoo that reads: This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or better.
3: You name a child explorer, mozilla, or outlook express.
4: You turn off your computer and get this empty lonely feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one's life support system.
5: You spend 7 hours driving around trying to find a 12 volt adapter for your laptop so going shopping will be more productive.
6: You stay in college for an additional year or two for the free internet access.
7: You laugh at people with 28.8 modems and wonder how evolution actually occurred.
8: You start using smileycons in your responses at the other tech site (which shall remain nameless).
9: You find yourself typing com after every period when using your word processor.
10: You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading or streaming audio.
11: You start introducing yourself as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net.
12: Your friends all have @ in their names.
13: Your family pet has it's own web page.
14: Your excuse for not calling your relatives is: they don't have a modem.
15: You check your e-mail, it says you have no new messages, so you check it again.
16: Your phone bill is the lowest in the neighborhood because you cant get off the computer long enough to make long distance calls.
17: When filling out applications you write your address as johndoe@alwaysfreakingonline.net, and your qualifications as your system's components.
18: You get to know your tech support agent better than your own wife.
19: You dream in 16-bit color.
20: You spend most of your honeymoon formatting your hard drive and reinstalling Windows.
21: You take your laptop to the Ball Game.
22: You refer to Microsoft using an uncomplimentary name.
23: You buy your toothpaste and toilet paper on-line.
24: You wonder if they'll ever bring back the Commodore 64.

[JohnR]

What happened? I just edited the pic anyway:

[fishsmith]

I didn't notice the F***, until I looked again. And with the recent nightmares you've been dealing with, I don't want to add more fuel to the fires you're putting out.
Good job editing it, thanks.

[IFG]

Two guys are fishing in a boat and one guycatches one of those fishes that grant wishes and he says " I wish this whole lake was full of beer" The fish grants his wish and says friend says "Great now we have to piss in the boat"

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

[Van]

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00
a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller
time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he
would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He
also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had
just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there
anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these
people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."


Now don't you feel better?

[Katie]

LUNCH AT HP

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...



MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

[Jimbo]

> A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
> night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
>
> "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor
> asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
> replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
> suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde
> said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just
> paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting
> myself in the chest."
>
> "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth,
> and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
> I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the
> gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.
> So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Van]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or "don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.

"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

[nightfighter]

> CORPORATE LESSON 1: A man is getting into the shower just as
his
> wife is
> finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
> seconds of
> arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife
> gives
> up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When
> she
> opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to
drop
> that
> towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
> drops her
> towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds,
Bob
> hands her
> 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good
> fortune, the
> woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
> shower, "Who
> was that?"
>
> "It was Bob the next door neighbor", she replies.
>
> "Great", the husband says, "Did he say anything about the 800
> dollars he
> owes me?"
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information
pertaining to
> credit
> and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a
position to
> prevent avoidable exposure.
>
>
================================================== ===============
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 2: A priest was driving along and saw a nun on
the
> side
> of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted.
> She
> got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a
> lovely
> leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
> controlling
> the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
Psalm
> 129?"
> The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
> himself to
> remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from
her
> leg.
> Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
> again.
>
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>
> Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is
> weak."
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
> glance and
> went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to
> retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth
and
> seek.
> Further up, you will find glory."
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
> might miss
> a great opportunity!
>
>
================================================== ================
>
> CORPORATE LESSON 3: Usually the staff of the company plays
> football. The
> middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top
> management
> usually has a preference for Golf.
>
>
> Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
> reduce in
> size.

[Jimbo]

Take some target practice on Bin Laden. This is pretty fun. It's called Bend Over Bin Laden.

http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

[mrmacey]

You think a gallon of gas is expensive? This may help put things into perspective!
> >
> > a.. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29..................$10.32 per gallon
> > b.. Lipton Iced Tea 16 oz $1.19....................$9.52 per gallon
> > c.. Gatorade 20 0z $1.59..................$10.17 per gallon
> > d.. Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25...................$10.00 per gallon
> > e.. Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15...................$33.60 per gallon
> > f.. Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35.................$178.13 per gallon
> > g.. Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.................$123.20 per gallon
> > h.. White Out 7 oz $1.39...................$25.42 per gallon
> > i.. Scope 1.5 oz$0.99...................$84.48 per gallon
> >
> >and this is the REAL KICKER:
> >
> > a.. Evian Water 9 oz for $1.49................$21.19 per gallon
> >$21.19 FOR WATER!...and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name "Evian" is "Naive" turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.
> >
> >So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, White Out or (God forbid) PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
> >
> >Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump!

[Fish_n_Dive]

Guy walks into a pizza stor, and orders a medium pizza for lunch. the guy at the counter asks the guy if he wants it cut into 4 or 8 slices. the guy answeres








4 i cant eat 8!!!!!!

[Fishpart]

THE "BAD AMERICAN"!!!



YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and
my family, not some mid-level governmental
functionary, be he Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way,
damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer,
it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble
or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to
do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college,
you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or
her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers,
and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time
arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all
those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off
during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years In the desert after getting
chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you! So, shut the Hell up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where
the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he
gets his money, and why he is always part of the
problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN
on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your
sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass
over if you're breaking the law, regardless of
what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot
works, I don't want you deciding who should be
running the most powerful nation in the world for
the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections
trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their
cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child,
it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a
BAD American.

[Scotch Bonnet]

What does Iraq have in common with the Irish








Both will be BOMBED on St. Patricks day!

[Jimbo]

All Wal-Mart and K-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing on or before
March 15th.
After that, they will all become Targets.
Thank you; that is all................

[MountainBreeze]

Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and
shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of
Four."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the
Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she
took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the
woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around
and
you didn't wave once."

[Katie]

50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, and go back to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

[redcrbbr]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks

stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight
up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want
your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of
money you could have one of my finest ladies and a
three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't
horny, I'm homesick."

[Van]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,

"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[redcrbbr]

Inspection Teams....Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection
teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!How in the name of the
United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that
men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud!
Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until
it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the
people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass
destruction?I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of
dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the
rafters.They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can
tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can
smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can
smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother
knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an
answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide
detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an
inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men
who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand,
grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap,
"Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"
And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some
secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what
do you call this, mister?"Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some
stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home
in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for
lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn
summer.Inspectors my fanny...
You want the job done? ......... Call my mother.

[Katie]

A man was surf fishing along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around but didn't see anyone so he opened it

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that really is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie thought for a while and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"







2.
Old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and
Joke Rating:




An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

[Amythefish]

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but
I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it
hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and
if I touch my head here it hurts, and if I
touch my foot here, it hurts."

And the Doctor says, "I know what the problem is
You've broken your finger."

[redcrbbr]

> > Subject: What is in a name?
> >
> >
> > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around,
> > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
> > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out,and froze.
> > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
> himself
> > a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
> > searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could
> > disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
> > "Jesus is watching you."
> > He Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the
> > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
> beam
> > came to rest on a parrot.
> > "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
> > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
> > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
> > "Moses," replied the bird.
> > "Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
> > Moses."
> > "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
> >

[redcrbbr]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

NEW 2003 VERSION

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. (OR INSERT
STATE/NATION OF CHOICE)

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

6. She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS
- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10. He is not HORNY
He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

[FishermanTim]

If you have a friend who is a complainer, tell them that they should look into getting a "Rectal Optomoligy: done.
It's a delicate operation where they sever the nerve that runs frommthe back of your eyes to your a$$hole, thus getting rid of their shi**y outlook on life.

[JohnR]

That condition is known as "Optical Rectumitis"