Dropping the Last One Off at College.

[Jimbo]

I don't know how it was for anyone else dropping off the last cherub at college, but for me yesterday was sheer he!!.

At least they don't make it easy on parents (make that fathers) of freshman girls going off to Bloomsburg University. I had my truck packed to the hilt, there was just enough room for the three of us to get in and 3 hours later when we got to the dorm there were kids unpacking the truck and hauling it up to Hannah's room on the fourth floor for us. One nice young man even formally welcomed us..."Welcome to Tampon Tower..."...SAY WHAT MY YOUNG COLEGIATE WISE ASS? AND LOOK AT ME NOT MY DAUGHTER, PLEASE! Apparently Hannah's dorm is 7 floors of freshman girls 2 floors of boys. So that was when the torture began. After unloading the person who stayed with the vehicle had to move it. Move it meant down a steep hill on a narrow, windey road to an overflow lot that's part of a nearby hospital. No problem, Heck I even thought of putting it in 4WD for effect. Then reality set in. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I just drove down a STEEP HILL to make room for other parents dropping off kids. That means I have to hike back up But I made it, slightly winded, knees aching a bit, of course when I got in sight of students I had to stand straight up as though I enjoyed being a billy goat. Walking into the dorm there was even a cool breeze. I walked over to the elevator and was just about to press the button and found myself face to face with who appeared to be one of the leaders of the move-in help crew and she informed me the elevator was reserved for freshmen and their belongings and pointed to the stairs. I said, "Whoa! I'm 56. I just parked my truck where you told me to and I survived the billy goat climb challenge back up, now I have to climb 4 flights of stairs? "Yes, sorry, but if you don't mind." Good lord help me! I make it to the 4th floor, scanning the walls to make sure there's one of those portable defibrillators, damn, well hopefully someone will punch me in the chest a few times if I need it. The rest of the day I could tell which of the fathers in the stairwell had been forced to march up "the hill" just by that dazed, zombie like look in their faces.
Ah here it is, room 411, and look at all the activity, and oh my, Hannah's roommate brought even more "stuff" than Hannah, well, I'm sure they'll make it fit. Among the flutter and noise in the room I see Jen speaking at me. My heart's still pumping wildly from my earlier mountain climbing experience, but I think she's saying, "Did you bring Hannah's paperwork?" "Well, no I didn't, it's in that plastic folder back in the truck. Why do you ask?" My lower lip started tremble uncontrollably, my eye might have twitched I don't recall, but suddenly I sensed what was coming next and in my then near perfect lip-reading skills I read, "You need to go back and get it quick because the health office closes for a while around noon. Didn't you get my text?" "Text? My phone is in the car. I don't have time for no stinkin' text I was too busy climbing Mount Killafreshmansparent, out back. PLEEEEAASSSEEE don't make me go back down there?" I got a "look". I turned, head hung low. "OK, I'll go, but if I don't come back just check at the bottom of the mountain where the other missing parents are probably lying."
I got to the truck and saw my bottle of ginger ale inside. Ahhh, my good old favorite thirst quencher. Then I panicked for a second when I couldn't find my keys and quickly realized I had been squeezing them in my other hand on the trek down. The soda was warm. This just wasn't going to be my day. I grabbed the folder and headed back up K2. Luckily there was some bright orange on the folder so if I ended up dead in a pile of rip-rap someone might one day find me. Halfway up I stopped and steadied myself holding onto the bottom of a staircase railing, sweat dripping off me like rain, my knees shaking and my legs feeling like they were still walking up steps even though I was stationary. Two f***ing co-eds had the nerve to jog by me up the trail and out of sight, actually having a calm discussion as they passed. "You freaking kids disgust me." Finally, I made it to terra flatta, staggered into the dorm, the elevator nazi pointed toward the stairs, I didn't even argue (maybe I gave her the finger, I was a little loopy at that point). I fall into the room and handed Jen the folder. "Oh, didn't you get my text? Hannah said she'd take the forms this afternoon or tomorrow." That woman will never know how close she came to being the first woman to fly out of a 4th story window in Tampon Tower.
Then it was time to go out for lunch, which was nice. We got back to the dorm for a final "make sure everything was all set". Probably take half an hour, but do you think those help mover-in bastards would let me park for that short amount of time? "Sir what you need to do is follow this windey one way street down and park in the..." "I know where to f***ing park you lousy...say, you aren't by any chance related to the elevator nazi are you?" Well I made it up Kilimanjaro one last time and then a foreign exchange student, I think, made me a licensed sherpa, or maybe we're engaged I really don't care. We said our goodbyes and we were on our way. I no longer have to worry about the mountain, only when will the floods of my Indian bride, "Mothermissingdaughter" subside? Come Parent's Weekend I'm hiring a limo.