Joke for today?

[Iwannakeeper]

Not where I thought it was going.

I expected it to involve "his" need to go fishing.

Haven't we all treated our significant other this way for fishing reasons. - I know it is your birthday, but it is the new moon?

-IWK

Originally posted by Eben
Hers:

Dear diary,

I think my husband wants to leave me. Today, when I got home from work, he was distant and uncommunicative. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing was the matter. I knew he was lying but I couldn't get anything out of him. We went to a lovely dinner and I couldn't get him to engage in meaningful conversation, all I got was simple answers and that distant look. On the drive home I could tell something was the matter but I didn't want to push the issue. After we got home I could tell he was still somewhere else, so I thought if I cozied up to him and we made love it would help, but it didn't seem to improve his dour disposition much. I'm sure he must be thinking of leaving me. I don't know what to do.


His:

Dear diary,

Patriots lost today, but at least I got layed.

[Mr. Sandman]

Dear Abby

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and great education.

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?


Thanks, A fisherman


PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.













Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

[MakoMike]

In original versio Sam was nekkid.

[The Dad Fisherman]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob!
How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your! usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have Mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time, huh".

[Iwannakeeper]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Rosie, who was visiting Texas from the West Coast:



"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Rosie) - Holy %$%$%$%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ....
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting %$%$%$%$-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I %$%$%$%$ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like %$%$%$%$ to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it...I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[FishermanTim]

Kind of reminds me of "self proclaimed" chili chefs claiming that their "5 alarm chili is the best, whereas I would claim it was a "false alarm" chili.
My mom used to make my father chili, which he would claim was plenty hot. One tase and I would say "Who made the Sloppy Joes?" I would then proceed to pour on the hot sauce for my bowlful. Some can take the heat and some can't, kind of like Buffalo wings.

[redcrbbr]

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

[fishaholic18]

Where’s My Car?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out, "I'll be damned, My girlfriend's gone, too!"

[fishermom]

You fishermen might want to pass this along....

As we grow old...our priorities change. So.....the other day I came home
and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you
can do anything you want."



So, I tied her up and went fishing

[Van]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"
=====================

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
=======================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=======================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.

"What does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".
===========================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my new wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly........... where is Larry's bar?"
===========================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
======================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
=========================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
==========================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

[Moose Nuckle]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting
all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest
frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a
circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a
voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut
yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far
end of the ice. Then she started another hole and
once again the voice said,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is
that you, Lord?''

The voice answered,

''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

[Nebe]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba".

[tynan19]

Thanks Eben.

[Van]

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she
wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable!

I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman!

Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with
black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple
across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the
arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers.....

"Here. Iron this."

[Moose Nuckle]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bar tender says, hey we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says, that's kind stupid who would want a drink called Larry.

[Nebe]

Good one karl

[TheRattBoy]

Karl

[tynan19]

That was great

[Nebe]

I heard this one at work today

*disclaimer- This joke does not reflect my views on women





Why do brides wear white at their wedding???

So the dishwasher matches the stove

[Starfish]

Nice one Eben... It was pretty funny even though it was sexist!

[The Dad Fisherman]

A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank:

Japanese guy: "Yestoday I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one
hunat eighty, why it change?"

Teller (shrugs): "fluctuations."

Japanese guy: "fluc you white guys too!"

[Goose]

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.

[Iwannakeeper]

outstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Starfish]

Clammer is the joke of the day!

[Iwannakeeper]

Originally posted by Starfish
Clammer is the joke of the day!

thats not very nice

[Starfish]

Originally posted by Iwannakeeper
thats not very nice

Star _____ isn't very nice either...



You're right, I adjusted them both a little.--Fishpart

[Iwannakeeper]

not nice - that is not what I remember from the fitness room....

she never appeared to be 'not nice' in my opinion

-IWK

[reelecstasy]

A blonde is in the middle of a hay field sitting in a row boat rowing like crazy, obviously not going anywhere....A blonde is driving by in her car and stops, and starts yelling to the girl.. " It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, If I could swim I would come out there and beat your azz..."

[Starfish]

ReelE I really like that blonde joke...never heard that one before...

[TheSpecialist]

Reel E what do you o for the phone co? who do you work for?