Joke for today?

[JohnR]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

OK - so it's a bad joke, but I don't write 'em...

[redcrbbr]

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

[redcrbbr]

> -TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
> > > retire on the income.
> > >
> > > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
> > > letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
> execute
> > > a
> > > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> > > four
> > > cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> > > intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority
> > > shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed
> > > company.
> > > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > > on one more.
> > > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > > you with nine cows.
> > > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > > The public buys your bull.
> > >
> > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> > >
> > > A CANADIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk
> > > to the US market.
> > > The American government decides that you are taking advantage of
> > > federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps
you
> > > with
> > > 25% "countervailing" duties, to protect the interests of the
> > > above-mentioned
> > > American Corporation.
> > > Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer
> > > on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic
> > > gold.
> > > You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for
> > > the outburst and get back to milking your cows
> > >
> > > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
> > > cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > > market them Worldwide.
> > >
> > > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > > and milk themselves.
> > >
> > > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > Both are mad.
> > >
> > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > > A HINDU CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > > the newsman who reported the numbers.
> > >
> > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
> > >
> > > So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the
> > > movie rights.
> > > They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
> > > So, who needs people?
> > >
> > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
> > >
> > > You have two cows.
> > > That one on the left is kinda cute...
> > >

[bloocrab]

...........Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?










.........- To look for "Pooh".

[JohnR]

thanks for the chuckle, needed it this morning

[Spare Spool]

bloo, that is too friggin funny! just had to say that.

[bloocrab]

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter
morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
of snow today. You must park...", then the electric
power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

[redcrbbr]

DEAR EMPLOYEE LETTER

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (#^&#^&#^&#^&). We take pride in the amount of #^&#^&#^&#^& our employees receive. We have given our employees more #^&#^&#^&#^& than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough #^&#^&#^&#^& on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the #^&#^&#^&#^& you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[redcrbbr]

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

[JohnR]

SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY
>
>
>
>
>
>This is good...
>
>
>
>
> > Think of a letter between A and W.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> > Keep going . . . Don't stop . .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Think of a man's/woman's name that begins
> > with the last letter in the animals name.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Almost there........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now count out the letters in that name on the
> > fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Take the hand you counted with and hold it
> > out in front of you at face level.
> >
> > Look at your palm very closely and notice the
> > lines in your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Do the lines take the form of the first letter in
> > the persons name?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Of course not.......
> >
> > Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,
> > and quit playing e-mail games!

[fishsmith]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.#^& Every night Howard
goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening Annabel, aged 87 wanders into the garden.#^& They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.#^& After a
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks "Do
you want to know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims "Why you old buzzard, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head."

"I know" Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for
awhile."

"Well I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.#^& Afterwards they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk
and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then one night Howard didn't show up at their meeting place.#^& Alarmed,
Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK.#^& She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident who was holding his manhood.

Furious, Annabel yelled "You two-timing creep! What does she have
that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Spare Spool]

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..."

[STEVE IN MASS]

Originally posted by Striper on the Brain


The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullsh..." [/B]

......Funny.........

[JohnR]

What movie was that from?


Fishsmith - that one is on the borderline - remember "Family Friendly" site

[redcrbbr]

liked that one john...smack yourself in the head....lol



Children's Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If It's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.

[fishsmith]

You got it John, Don't hesitate to delete it if you want. The only waves I want to make are with my boat.

[bloocrab]

Signs of the 00's


1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with certain friends is that they do
not have email addresses.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
8. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
9. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to get
an outside line.
10. You've sat at the same desk for four years -- and worked for three
different companies.
11. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
12. You have your resume on a diskette.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lost all of your best
jokes.
14. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
16. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'
annual budgets combined.
17. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
18. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
19. You see a good looking person and you know it must be a visitor.
20. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
21. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
22. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff members your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
23. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
24. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving.
25. Your relatives and family members describe your job as "works with
computers."
26. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on
your desktop.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE:
27. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
28. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends
you send jokes to" email group.
29. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

[bloocrab]

a quick riddle???..



Mr. Robinson and his son were driving down the road one day when they were in a terrible car wreck. Mr. Robinson died on impact and they rushed his son Mark to the Emergency Room. When they arrived the doctor came in and said, "I cannot operate on him. He is my son!" How is this possible?

[bloocrab]

ok......heres the answer........






















the doctor was his mother!!!!!!.....

[STEVE IN MASS]

Mom.....
Damn....you posted that 3 seconds before I did...........

[kayaman]

not exactly a joke, but................................





If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[The Dad Fisherman]

Why Math is Taught in School (Written by a very wise man)


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

[Nebe]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said,

"You can write with your other hand."

[fishaholic18]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Bass Babe]

I got a new car radio yesterday, and it is terrific !!

If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll,

If I say "Rap" it plays Rap Music,

If I say "Love" it plays Love Music.

Three kids ran out in front of the car,

And I said F*&%ing Kids,

And it played Michael Jackson.

[fishsmith]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC

[Nebe]

[Iwannakeeper]

A old lady went to the doctors for an extreme flatulence problem. She is seen by the doctor and she explains "Doctor, I do not know what is wrong. I seem to pass wind nearly constantly. I have pass gas 5 times since you came in the room."

She continues, "the good news is it has no smell and no sound, so I assume no one else can tell, but it is very concerning none the less."

The doctor gives her a thorough examination and tells her to take a prescription for 1 week then return to see him.

A week passes and she is back with the Doctor. She exclaims "Doc, what did you give me. I still pass wind constantly, and it still makes no sound, but the smell is horrible. I nearly gag when I smell it."

The doctor replies 'That good dear, now that we have you sinusus cleared up, lets see what we can do about your hearing."

[missing link]

I was putting my boat in at the ramp and I noitced an old guy crying his eyes out at the dock , I launched the boat and tied up hopped out and asked his if he was ok -- he said it's my 75th birthday and I have a 22yr old girlfriend and a couple of VIAGRA, I said to him what wrong with that you should be clicking your heels - he said I forget where I live.
LINK SR

[justplugit]

An elderly Italiian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette

sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his little remaining strenght

he lifted himself off the bed. Leaning against the wall he painfully made his

way,to the stairs and with even with greater effort he gripped the stair rail

with both hands and crawled downstairs. With labored breath he leaned against the door

against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Where if were not for deaths agony he would

have thought himself already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper

on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette

sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from

his wife of 60 years seeing to it he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great last bit of strength he ended crumpled on nis knees on

the floor near the table. His parched lips parted the wonderous taste of the

cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged

and crippled hand trembled on it's way to the cookie on the edge of the table

when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....

"don't touch
she said,
there for the
funeral".